I've been thinking about this lately and I just feel like I need to write down what little impressions/thoughts I've received about this topic.
You know when a mother loves her children when she's willing to do anything for them to keep them safe and cared for. The more she's willing to do the more she must care, because it requires sacrifice and selflessness to do so. Even if it means that they have to go through a hard life to obtain growth, wisdom, strength and development of character.
Then there are mothers out there that don't care so much for their children and we see what happens to those kids. The list is endless and it is tragic.
Besides the mothers that don't do much or anything at all for their children there is the other extreme as well. It's called smothering or enabling.
You can tell these moms apart from others because they're overprotective. I mean to the extreme.
If their child wishes to do something that will take them "out of the box" or has any amount of risk or "hardness" attached to it the mom will do whatever it takes to keep them from doing it, even if it means discouraging them or even demeaning or belittling them, causing great feelings of doubt, depression, and a bad self-image. They begin to think that they can't "do it", whatever the "it" may be.
Mom's can be overbearing and smothering without meaning to. They can over-do their mothering, if that makes sense.
They can keep their children back, keep them from progressing, growing, learning, exploring and figuring out who they really are.
I don't mean that mothers who teach their children a certain religion or ideal are smothering. Not at all. They are educating their children when they do this. The more education you have the more power you have over your choices and free agency. What I am saying is that when a mother tries to keep education from their children and keep them from hardship in any way they are hindering them. They are hurting them, not helping them.
Of course when a child is very young they must have this type of attention from their mother to keep them from causing serious harm to themselves or others, but it's got to slow down and eventually stop. Sure a mom can give her "opinion" or "counsel" to their child, but it needs to stop there.
For example, if your grown child wants to go to a certain college you don't approve of as a mother you can say "I don't like such-and-such college because _____" and leave it at that. If they want to know more they can ask. But telling them "I don't want you to go there because I don't think it's right for you, I think it's a bad idea, and I don't think you can do it" or "that's too hard for you" etc., that's discouraging, among other things.
There's a time when you have to allow your child to grow up. A time when you have to cut the apron strings, so to speak. A time when you need to let them govern themselves and trust they'll make the wisest of choices.
I know there are certain times when a mother's advice is needed, ESPECIALLY when their child is making very bad choices (i.e. drugs, alcoholism, adultery, and other serious sins/choices). Of course they need to know what is right and what is wrong. Saying "I don't think that taking drugs is a good idea because of this and this" is a great way to help a wayward child. It's better than to just ignore the problem as if it weren't there and hope it'll go away. But when it's a choice that isn't spiritually killing them and that is hard on them, let them go! Let them do it and learn for themselves.
(Okay I'm totally babbling. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense here cuz it's almost 2:am).
I was just thinking about how a mother, when good intentions are her desire, she can actually start smothering instead, causing more harm than good and then an example popped into my head I'm sure you've all heard before.
A mother can teach and train their children, but they cannot live their lives for their children, they cannot shelter them from a hard life and they cannot always be there when bad things come along. They have to trust that their children will be able to handle it on their own and also realizing that their children will probably come out stronger in the end because of the hard things that come along.
Think about the chick in the egg. The chick must struggle it's way out ALL BY ITSELF or it will die. If the mother was to worry about the chick going through something too hard and help that chick out of it's egg it would kill it in doing so. The chick will not have the necessary muscles built up by breaking through the egg shell in order to survive. The mother must let the chick struggle and work hard on it's own.
Trying to protect your children from a hard life is causing them more pain and suffering than anything else. Life is hard. That's the way it's supposed to be.
It helps us grow and progress. We learn wisdom. We learn long-suffering and patience. We learn how to rely on God and on the wisdom of others who have gone on before us. We also learn a great deal about ourselves in the process.
Just because you're afraid your child is going to have a tough marriage doesn't mean you should try to stop it. That's going over the line.
Just because you think college will be too hard on your child doesn't mean you should discourage them from attending. Think of the damage that will cause! They won't be educated, they won't have a good career. They won't be smarter. They won't have as much confidence. They won't grow.
That's just one example.
There are many things that we must go through in life and some things are different for one person than for another and it may be through specific hard things that you can learn important lessons in life that you can learn in no other way.
Like, going on an LDS mission. It is very difficult on many levels. It can even be scary. But not going on one because you're too afraid for the pain and hard work and being away from family are very bad reasons not to do it. There are missionaries that die every year serving their missions. Does that mean we all should not go on one? NO way!! I know that me serving my mission was the best decision I ever made and that the lessons I learned on my mission could not have been learned in any other way. My mom was sad to see me go. She even feared for me. But did she try to stop me? Did she discourage me, scare me, demean me, give me doubts? HECK NO!! She was proud of me! She was proud that I was willing to put my life in God's hands, make major sacrifices, and trust that I will do well and learn from it. Was it hard? Oh yes it was very hard!! Was it worth it? Of course it was worth it and more!! I cannot place a price on that experience!
I know that mothers can get really worried and over-protective of their children. I know this because I'm a mother myself. But if I was to follow my girls around and faced all their problems for them and discouraged them from doing something that was "scary" or "hard" then I would be hindering their growth, making forever babies out of them. I would keep them from reaching their potential and from discovering their true selves and seeing what they are capable of.
Let your children live their lives, hard or harder or hardest as they may be! You will see them grow and learn in ways you could not have imagined! And you will be proud of them and amazed at their abilities and wisdom that they gain from their experiences. Just teach them right while they're young and they'll make more wise choices as they grow and one day they will thank you for it.
That's a promise!
After all, isn't that how God does it? He allows us all to struggle through our trials and hardships. The more the better, in all reality. It helps us grow in countless ways that nothing else could have done for us. Forcing us to be or live a certain way does the opposite. It softens and weakens us, eventually killing us. Of course God teaches us and gives us everything necessary to help us have the most successful life possible. God must know what he's doing so we should take a lesson from that and follow it ourselves in order to be successful in life. It is the only way we can have true peace, happiness and joy. We have to know the bitter from the sweet, the easy from the hard, the sorrow from the joy, or we will never appreciate it, never understand it, never know it or become who we can become, and without those hard experiences in life we will never be truly happy.
(this goes for wives, too, who choose to enable their husbands and take their "jobs" away from them!)
Zoram, an individual noticed and blessed by God
6 years ago
