He Leaves in 6 Days!!!!!! :(

I cannot believe how time has been rushing by!
Things have been so strange, surreal, and hard. Very hard.
Amazing to me how people can be so insensitive with things they say and do during hard times like these. Suddenly I realize how much people's own lives revolve around themselves. They're mindless of how their words and actions can really hurt others.
I've had many people say hurtful things to me lately, as if they know better or even know what they're talking about. Sometimes they've only meant well, but when they don't really know what they're talking about and only say things that can be offensive and/or hurtful then you know they don't understand and don't have the Spirit directing their words and/or actions.

I don't know how other women do it when their husbands are gone so much. Tyler and I are SO close. So very, very close. Very best friends, and practically inseparable, we tell each other everything. We really are "one". It seems most people don't understand this. I see lots of couples who aren't very close and they are calloused about our separation. And I see many who are used to being separated and they forget what it's like the first time to be apart for so long.
It honestly feels like I'm preparing for his death!! That is how hard it's been on me, on us.

We also have been seeing very clearly who are true friends and who are not. It's been hurtful and joyful at the same time. Amazing "angel-like" friends are appearing out of no-where and some who we thought were good friends are dropping like flies.

Another thing that's been hurtful are those that have no faith in me as a mother. No faith in God. No faith in anything. I believe in God and I believe He has all power. I also know that he doesn't allow us to go through anything that is too much for us to be able to bear. I know that He provides a way. We know this is right what we are doing and when we are obedient to God then He provides a way to help us accomplish whatever He's asked or commanded us to do. (1 Ne 3:7).
In my Patriarchle Blessing it says that my many talents and abilities will come out while I am a mother in Zion, and I really feel this is the time for those to start coming out.
I just KNOW that Heavenly Father is going to help me and take care of us.
The ONLY thing I worry about is discouragement, depression and people who will continually lack faith in me and put me down. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to feel too tired and discouraged to try my hardest or keep plugging along. I pray I have the strength, energy, health, stamina and desire to be awesome while Tyler is away. I really hope that my memory improves!! Pray it does!

Also, I need to clear something up. I heard from a direct source that people think Tyler joined the Army to use it to pay off our debts. NO. N-O!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did it because it was RIGHT. We desperately needed the health benefits, we needed the steady income and pay-checks, and, Tyler had always wanted to be a Soldier in the U.S. Army and we were literally directed straight into this path. It was the ONLY door that opened for us.
We did NOT get ANY bonuses for signing up!!!!!!!!!!!! They don't hardly do that anymore!! It's not a "enlist and get rich" thing at all!! This is purely sacrificing for us right now. It really is!!
We aren't even getting paychecks for almost 2 months!!!!!!! Nothing!!
WE ARE PAYING OFF OUR DEBTS ALL ON OUR VERY OWN. We are greatly struggling to do this, and we are not filing bankruptcy or anything like that.
And our debts are NOT consumer except one at RC Willey. It's ALL for medical.

whew. I hope people who need to see this actually do, or someone forwards it to them because, frankly, I'm SICK AND TIRED OF JUDGMENTAL, KNOW-IT-ALL PEOPLE!!!!!
Heavenly Father please help me not let people get to me so easily!!

I'm so sensitive and trusting, accepting, loving, naive in lots of ways, forgiving, and more. because of this I get hurt a LOT and very easily. Especially with GOSSIP. Lies, exaggerations, wow. They've hurt me and tarnished my reputation forever with friends and family both.

Okay, now to end this. I'm getting irritable now and I'm SUPER tired and very emotional. I think I'm emotional for a good reason, hopefully others will understand and remember that, too, instead of jumping down my throat.

HE LEAVES IN 6 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Tyler's farewell party is THIS SATURDAY. If you want the details to it please write me. He would love to see anyone who knows him. He, and us, need any support we can get right now.
thank you!!!

Overcome With Emotion

So I realize that a lot of my blog postings are of a negative nature or feeling. I really try not to do that. I really try to be positive, as much as is possible for me anyway.
Well the last two days have been humbling, painful, inspiring, and a learning experience for me.
First, some people will never, ever see what they do wrong. They will never acknowledge when they've done wrong, caused major harm to others, and never will be sorry or repent of it. Either they just don't get it or they actually do mean harm. Or both. I know that someone can do both because both of these reasons came from one and the same person in direct attack against me and my family.
Somebody who was a friend several years ago caused a fight with spreading rumors to all of her friends and it came back to her. She blamed it on everybody else but herself, putting herself as the victim when in fact, she was the instigator and made it worse than it should've been.
Instead of getting an apology for the hurt she caused between many of her friends she retaliated.
Now, years later, when she learned of another friendship I have with someone else she stepped in and made it a point to contact this person and vomit her lies and stories to her about me. Only this time it was horrendous lies and stories that left both Tyler and I shocked beyond words. When it started to sink in after I heard what she'd been saying about me, I broke down and sobbed. She said awful things about some of our family and about my dear Tyler, and about my own little girls. She twisted the very few facts she knew about and added complete and full stories and lies. It was, just, WOW.
To think that somebody can carry a grudge that was self-inflicted for this many years, and then at first chance they have at continuing an attack after so much time, is very unfortunate on many levels.
She has caused my family much harm. And we don't even know the extent of her evil and lying gossiping and we're afraid to ever find out. She went out of her way to try to make our life more miserable than it already was. She possibly ruined a little job I had making a little extra money a month that was paying for a few things like gasoline, food, and some of my medication. But now it's gone, and it's hard not to blame it on this person.

I learned that when you give someone an extra chance that has lied and gossiped in the past that you are taking a great risk.
There is a difference between forgiveness and befriending someone who's caused serious harm. You can forgive someone but that does not mean you have to be friends with that person or even ever talk to them again. You don't have to have any contact at all and still forgive them. Here's how you do it. You forgive and never forget. And that's not wrong. The Lord never, ever told us to forgive AND forget. Only HE does this for us. He has commanded us to forgive all men their "trespasses", even 70x7 times that they offend you. But he has never commanded us to forget what they've done.
There's a saying, and I know I have this wrong so correct me here, but it goes something like this:
"Fool me once, shame on YOU. Fool me twice, shame on ME".
Well, I learned this first hand over the last 3 days. And it hit me HARD. And my family. It has caused irreversible damage. It's going to take me a while to completely forgive this confused, deranged person for what they've done to me and my family. But I will eventually. But I will never, ever have anything to do with them again. And may God forgive her for what she's done.

Also the last 2 days I have been in a lot of pain, physically. It comes in waves, but it's almost constant. My I.C. has flared up and it's almost more than I can bear. I can understand how untreated I.C. can land someone in a wheelchair and bedridden. I can barely move, barely walk, and it's seriously like I'm in labor plus a tearing, sharp pain. I feel like broken glass is being mixed in my pelvis. Just remember that Interstitial Cystitis is NOT caused by weight, it's 100% INCURABLE so please people stop telling me to lose weight and it'd go away. Even eating "right" won't heal it. Nor will exercise. Believe me. There are thousands of people who've tried all of this. It flares up from time to time. The cause is unknown, and there is little treatment for it. I do need medication for it. 3 pills a day. But 1 pill is around 150.00 a month, another is around 65 a month and I didn't figure out the 3rd one cuz I was too disgusted and discouraged with the first two prices. We don't have insurance or any money for this. So I suffer. And I don't get much compassion for it. I wish I could do something about it, but I cannot.
It's like telling someone who has MS or type 1 diabetes to "suck it up" or "lose weight and you'll get better" or "eat right and it won't bother you", etc. um WRONG.
So yeah, I've been in a LOT of pain.
The reason why I brought this up and talked forever about it is that there is something about pain that can bring one to being humble.
I find it interesting that the same weekend that this enemy of ours attacked us again was the same weekend my I.C. has flared up, and also the same weekend as General Conference.
I tell you what it's made me extremely emotional. Crying over being hurt by someone's poisonous vomit called gossip, then hurting from my disease flaring up, then feeling the spirit in huge overwhelming waves has caused a lot of different emotions to surface for me.
But, through all of this, it's humbled me a little bit, just enough to sit and listen to our Prophets & Apostles and soak up their profoundly inspired messages to the world; to me.

I was very touched this weekend with a feeling of peace and calm, of love and patience. Of understanding. Of hope and healing. I am grateful for the trials that I have gone through.
Not that I'd do it all over again (HAHAHA) but that they've taught me more than I could have ever learned in any other way. They've really humbled me; softened me! They've made me rely on my testimony and on Jesus Christ.
I've been tested in so many ways.
My testimony was tested on many different levels. My loyalty was tested, my understanding, patience, endurance, faith, stability, strength. And more that I am sure that I do not even realize.

I have found that I do not waver in my testimony. I questioned some things for a time, for sure, but I cannot deny what I know to be true and what I've seen my whole life and more importantly, what the power of God has spoken to me through the Spirit. Everything always brings me back to what I know to be true. It all brings me back to truth, to hope, to faith. And I don't give up. I can't. No matter what happens, I just cannot give up or give in.

There is a lesson to be learned in everything.
Whether you're the victim or the instigator. Whether you're wrong or right. Whether you're being very tried or the one watching someone else being tried. There's always something important to be learned.

I just hope that I can continue to see the lessons in all that we have been going through and have yet to go through.

Meantime I'm sure I'll do some more crying until this weekend is completely over and my physical pain lets up, and I can officially get over the immense pain that this old "friend" of mine caused, and hopefully I'll never stop crying over the powerful influences of the Spirit of God that touches my life every single day.

A Personal Blog About ME

So I wanted to write a blog a little bit about me and how I feel and stuff.

While growing up I didn't have many friends. I had a few and I loved them dearly and kept them as close as I can. Those friends were: Molly Hosmer, April, Kristin, Kathy & Karen Subashe, my cousins Emily Hegerhorst and Jeni Hegerhorst, and then later Trina Thompson. I had other good acquaintances and what-not, but no close friends. Especially when I was younger.
I was SO SO skinny that I used to be bullied by family and peers alike. It wasn't my fault and I didn't have an eating disorder. People hated me for it.

I was always made fun of, picked on, devided from everyone else, the brunt of everyone's joke, etc. It was really, really bad.
I was really shy and kept to myself for the most part. Whenever I did talk or laugh I got horribly dirty looks. It was really hard.

Then I moved to Lehi and went to American Fork High school and actually made lots of friends! It was great! I finally had a life and enjoyed it, too.
I was a very good girl. I never even kissed a boy (on purpose) until I was 19 years old!! lol!!

Then I got a scholarship to Utah Valley State College and did really well, except in Spanish! lol. I failed that and half-way through stopped going, esp after the teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class. That was the 2nd time I've been told that in front of a class. It's sooo humiliating and degrading!!

While in college I did Reserve Officer Training Corp which I LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!
I went from not being able to do ONE push-up to doing 200 a day!!! I'd do 100 every morning and 100 every night, EASY. I did 400 sit-ups a day, too.
I joined a community swim team and every morning got up at 4 and picked up one of my best friends, Dori Grange, and we'd go swimming for 2 1/2 hours STRAIGHT with no breaks. That was a great workout!
With another friend I did Kick-boxing and another martial art every other day. That was the best work-out ever!!
Then I went with another friend to the gym 1-2 times A DAY!!
I'd eat salads, donuts, rolls, mashed potatoes, and just plain ol' fiber and protein pastes (YUCK).
I was in SUPERB shape!
I could run up and down Provo canyon no problem at all and then jump into the damn with no breaks, swim out easily, and continue to run.
I could do over 20 pullups in a matter of seconds.
I could live off of only 4 hours of sleep a night and do all of this the next day!
I could go to a dance club allll night long and NEVER get tired at all! I'd dance NON-STOP, no sweat!
I was super flexible, had lots of energy, so much strength, and felt great!
I was doing a little bit of modeling here and there.

Then I got offered a HUGE opportunity!
I was offered to be one of the finalist auditioners to go to LA and audition for the future new hit TV show, Friends. Dead serious! I was told to tell NO ONE for a long time.
When I got my mission call I had to turn it down and my agent was FURIOUS. She yelled and yelled at me.
Then almost 100% of my friends turned their backs on me for deciding to serve a mission.
They'd ridicule me at school, at work, everywhere public and private. It was horrible, but it didn't sway me at all.
So I gave up all my dreams and went on a mission.

I was constantly exhausted on my mission and my periods were getting worse and worse and worse. I'm talking about EXTREME pain here.
Also before my mission I got infected with E-Coli, the BAD and very dangerous and deadly kind. I was the only case that year in the country let alone my state! I had state health dept calling me and the country's health dept calling me and this big ol' investigation made to find the source of my illness.
The pain was more than any I've ever felt. It was like childbirth but worse because the pain was constant.
I couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink or anything.
All my veins collapsed, I was severely dehydrated, and bleeding out of my bum and mouth.
I was hospitalized and the only thing they said they could do for me was drug me up and remove my large colon cuz it was so damaged.
I got a Priesthood blessing and my colon improved that very night so it was saved.
The Morphin I was on didn't make one bit of difference for the pain. I didn't even care if I was naked I hurt so bad.
The doc asked if there was anything he could do for me and I was DEAD SERIOUS when I whispered to him to gut me.
I broke my leg playing soccer and I would rather my worst enemy break both their legs than go through E-Coli!!
After my mission I got a cyst on my ovary caused by Endometriosis and it ruptured and I hemoraged for hours. Stupid doctors didn't help me. I should've gone to the ER.
I ended up having a D&C and then later a Laporoscopic surgery for the Endo.
Since then my health has steadily and increasingly gone down-hill drastically.

Both of my pregnancies were high risk. I almost lost both of them! I won't go into detail but it was very serious and I could NOT work or I'd lose my babies. hardly worth it don't ya think? lol.

I remained really skinny, even after having Lacie. Even while pregnant with Sophie.
I got really sick with Sophie and NOBODY believed me! for FIVE LOOONG MONTHS I was so super suffering. Nobody believed it and just kept saying it was just pregnancy pains. WHATEVER!
Finally after seeing like 8 doctors one referred me to a specialist and they got me right in.
I had Gall Bladder Inflammatory Disease. NOT caused by being over-weight like most cases, or by eating bad, like most cases, or by my age, like most cases. Mine was a VERY RARE case they said.
It was so severe they HAD to take it out while I was pregnant. It was deadly for both Sophie and I to not take it out ASAP.

After I had that out I gained so much weight!
We could never figure out why!
But my body was having a hard time digesting everything.

After that I got Hypothyroidism, which took like 1 1/2 years to figure out, severe Acid Reflux Disease. It was so bad that the acid would go up my throat and into my lungs! They say that pain is like having a serious heart attack. I can vouch for that! It was so severe that I couldn't even dial 911, which I tried to cuz I was sure I was dying.
Then Migraines came on. And more Endometriosis that's caused multiple problems.
And now a severe magnesium deficiency.
I've had mono at least twice now.
And a broken foot I walked on for 3 months without knowing it but suffereing silently. It's not permanantly damaged and hurts every single day of my life.
I got into a car accident that threw my back and pelvis out and broke my right hand, which they didn't believe the jerks.

Also due to family issues (I just have to say it because it's so true) and my health issues and financial issues, I got bad depression. Mostly from Post-Partum. It was so severe I won't even say how bad it was cuz it's just sad and embarrassing. I then got serious Anxiety issues, severe Insomnia, and some paranoyia.

I've been on many medications now.
My weight WILL NOT got down and I've been SO judged by it.

I've been severely exhausted.
I probably have heart disease and my doctor's all want me to get my heart checked but I've had so many other issues come up now that I just have been putting it off.

My teeth are rotting and in super pain but nobody even cares. I'm supposed to get at least one root canal. It's so bad it's given me this rotting stenchy breath!

My Neurologist says that my migraines, if they go untreated, WILL result in a stroke they're so bad and also due to my family medical history.
I have high cholesterole, too.

And now I, about 98% sure, have skin cancer. Not serious kind, but having it none-the-less is NOT cool! I have spots all over my face and head. ONe is growing rapidly and I'll be getting that removed on Monday.

This is NOT fun.

People wonder why I don't work and why I don't exercise and get thin again and seem so negative.
I really am very positive considering all of this and more that I've been through.

There's a reason for everything. And there's a reason for why I suffer through so much. I take it all in stride and I really believe I handle it very well considering.

I have been HARSHLY judged by friends, family and others alike. Still some hate me and stay away from me. They think I make things up or think that I'm a mean or bad person. It's like WHAT???? They do NOT know me at all.

One day all who have talked bad about me, thought bad about me, and treated me bad will regret it. That's a promise. I know in my heart that I am a very good and decent person and they're making mistakes.
Being rejected by family is the hardest, esp when they don't have good reasons, or if they just go by what others have said to them about me that are lies, exagerations, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.
I'm not talking about ONE family in particular, okay?

I'm a good mommy and a good wife and I love my family more than anything else in existence!! I nurture my children and my husband.
I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give them compliments. Like all the time!! I'm very loving and passionate towards them and I listen to them.

I TRY AND DO MY ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!!!

I used to be so top-notch healthy and now look at me. And I'm blamed for it!!

How could anyone blame me for how I am now?? HOW?? It's NOT my fault but my calling in life, obviously.
I don't bring on these problems. They just come. Right after another, and on top of each other.

I now have pneumonia and I'm so exhausted, yet again!

I'm SO grateful for a husband who helps me out so much around the house and with the girls! He might lack compassion or understanding about 99% of the time (thanks to negative things said to him all the time about me), but he does take super good care of my babies and responsibilities around the house and even for me when I ask.

I really realy really hope that this crap will pass!
I'm seriously considering going back to school full-time to do R.O.T.C. again to kick my butt back but I'm afraid that it might kill me. I really am. I know something's wrong with my heart.
The constant pain and pressure I feel on a daily basis. The hard time breathing. The really heavy and hard pounding of my heart beats. The severe exhaustion and NEVER getting enough sleep!!
Even with my CPAP machine for my Sleep Apnea isn't good enough!!

My Sleep Apnea is really bad. I stop breathing from 10 second to over 1 minute at a time, and do this all night long.

I have SEVERELY disturbing and horrifying dreams every time I sleep so I HATE going to sleep.
I mean my dreams are GORRY and horrifying. Doesn't matter what I watch or what I listen to or anything. i've had them almost all my life, but they're getting worse and worse.

They don't scare me so much, they're just very disturbing and I don't understand why I have them.

I have serious anxiety when I have to go around ANY family at all pretty much because of the harsh judgments I've recieved and harsh things that have been said about me and to me. It's really not fair. It's hurt me.

But I am very forgiving and accepting and really really can love EVERYBODY sooooo easily!!
This is good and bad. Bad because it ALWAYS comes back and bites me in the butt! I'm too loving and caring and accepting and trusting.
I trust everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Because of this I am constantly being hurt and disappointed and taken advantage of.

I've made a few bad decisions in my life like everyone else, but only ONE serious choice that I've had to pay the consequences to for years and probably for the rest of Eternity. But I know I've been forgiven.

because of what I've been through I will NEVER EVER EVER forsake the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know for SURE and complete CERTAINTY that it is God's church. I KNOW because of the things I've personally witnessed that are way too sacred to tell anyone except maybe my husband.

So no matter what goes on in my life, or what others say or think about me, or what happens with my health or anything, I know where I stand.
I know my God and his church come FIRST, my family SECOND, myself THIRD, my country FOURTH. And so on and on.

I wish so much that problems people have with me that they'd just LISTEN to me and get to know me by heart and know what type of person I am.
I wish they'd give me a CHANCE.
I'm a very rational, reasonable, and understanding person and am always filled with deep compassion for anyone.

I don't like it when people outright reject Jesus Christ and his Gospel and church, but I still will love everyone despite their beliefs. Even that crappy, dishonest, dark and misleading and lying and scary, evil scary, Obama.

I am very, very confident with my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the church. And I am very VERy confident in my standing with my beliefs and morals and ideas, etc.

I feel so SO bad about how I've been physically. It really is so hard on me when I was SO out there with everything and in such perfect shape and form.
I've NEVER EVER been known to be lazy!
Now I've been told that people think I am because I don't go out and do Tyler's job at being the bread-maker or whatever you call it.
I've been told I'm lazy cuz my house isn't spotless and I'm not gone all day doing things, like working or whatever.
Poeple, if you only knew!!!!!!!!!

I know God does. And in the end that's ALL that matters.

Meantime my life goes on and I'm dealing with it the best way that I can.

I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am NOT seeking pity and attention.
I am NOT trying to embarrass anybody or make anythign worse.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight.
I am NOT whining!!

I'm just sharing and explaining.

I am very open and very sharing because I'm very trusting and believe it's BETTER to be open and honest about everything but that which is SACRED.
Anyway, that is another topic altogether!! lol

Okay, any questions? Comments? Whatever... please write them here on my blog, whoever you are.

Now back to chatting with Amy, one of my best friends

Ugh! I'm so frustrated!!

Ugh! I'm so frustrated! I'm frustrated that we only have ONE set of friends helping us move tomorrow, and I'm so frustrated that we won't have internet until October 8th, and I'm so frustrated that I have to memorize TWO monologues perfectly by Oct 10th, and I'm so frustrated that a best friend of mine's husband is being a piece of shit and being mad at ME for his problems, and I'm so frustrated that people have gossiped about us so now they have totally misconstrued perceptions of us, and I'm so frustrated that we have half the house still to pack and it's almost 12:30 am, and I'm so frustrated that we can't move our stuff right into the new place cuz of possible bugs, and I'm so frustrated that they didn't clean the new place, and I'm so frustrated that the new neighborhood is the ghetto, and I'm so frustrated that I can't even sleep tonight..... I can go on and on and on.... but I'll stop for a minute and take a breather.
ah phew!!
I really hope that Mollee & Tau come tomorrow to hang out with us, unless Tau wants to be like a teenage girl some more and be mad at me for really lame-ass crap that's HIS problems. Of course Mollee is very pregnant and VERY tired and sore. I wish she could just come relax at our place and chill. I need the company!
Most family & friends won't even come over because of the cockroach crap we have to deal with! It's not fair. It's not like they're going to carry any home with them! It's not THAT bad!
I really, really, REALLY, hope we like this new place better! One problem is that the utilities are going to be really high! No A/C and really old heating system. There aren't even any vents in that place! yipes!

Tomorrow we have to pick up the washer & dryer and who knows what else from my grandma's house in Murray, we have to get the couch and filing cabinet and who knows what else from Glenn & Andrea's, (who aren't talking to us right now thanks to my mother's twisted gossip), and we have to leave stuff in our apartment to fumigate and then figure out where we're going to put it for the yard sale we're going to have next week. We have to paint, we have to clean, we have a TON left to pack, we have to de-bug, we have to buy more crap at the store, we have to give my beautiful and perfect washer & dryer to a guy that bought them this week, we have to pay rent soon and it's more than we're paying here which is murder, and we have to unload everything on our front lawn at the new place since we might be carrying bugs with us.
Someone has to stay with our stuff there, someone has to stay here, someone has to watch the girls (thank goodness that's taken care of! My mom & Tyler's mom are taking them THANK YOU).
I'm just incredibly overwhelmed and stressed!!!!!!
I need some strength, hope, encouragement, energy, comfort, & some support! Where is my support & comfort? I guess I'll have to pray for it.
ttfn