So here I am finally updating my blog again! I haven't been able to get on here much to update so I'm sorry for the major delay.
Lots has been happening around here and most of it has been excruciatingly stressful for me, and my girls, and my family that I'm living with.
I have been deeply and painfully hurt more than I can ever think of before in my life just in the last day and I don't see any efforts in this being rectified. I just wish SO MUCH that Latter Day Saints would truly try to be beings of true Integrity, Loyalty, and strictly keep the sacred covenants they've made in holy Temples with God.
People who choose to rationalize their behavior cause so much hurt and pain for others, especially those closest to them, and they don't see the hurt hearts of their loved ones as the real issue but that the hurt loved ones must be out of line to feel that way.
Anyway, that's all I'll say about that. I just have been thinking a LOT lately about Integrity, Honesty, and Obedience.
I've been looking for every opportunity to teach my little girls these most important and essential virtues. I enjoy teaching my girls, and I always feel directed by the Holy Ghost when doing so, and I know just what to say. It's the most amazing feeling.
Reminds me of when I was serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to the people of Buenos Aires Argentina. I love teaching the Truth and WITH THE SPIRIT.
Last week I had surgery. It was highly recommended by two of my doctors so I finally had it done. The pain I experience daily is more than one can bear without help from outside sources (such as a pill or two, or three). I know that I complain a lot, and I know I seem pathetic to many, but the fact is people don't REALLY CARE what you're experiencing and going through unless they've been there before and understand exactly what it's like or they're currently going through the same things right now.
I am finding so many good friends online that understand and support me and it's been a huge blessing!
Other Army Wives and other women who suffer from Interstitial Cystitis have become a HUGE strength to me! And a vast resource of information as well. It's been wonderful and I don't feel as alone as I could be.
The surgery went well. When I was coming to from the anesthesia I remember dreaming that Tyler wasn't there and I was frantic for him to be there. I was so distraught over his absence that I did not realize that I was thrashing around and they had to hold me down. How embarrassing is that? I've NEVER woken from anesthesia in such a horrible state!
So I bruised my knee and tore my stitches a little, making them bleed, and only causing myself further pain. I guess I wasn't breathing at all because I vaguely remember them making me use an inhaler a couple of times and them giving me more meds and yada yada.
Then my mom came in and I was totally groggy. In and out. I remember them saying every time I fell asleep I'd completely stop breathing. It's funny cuz I always warn the nurses that I have Sleep Apnea and they assume that keeping me propped up with help. lol. NOPE. I don't have the obstruction type that most people have (cuz they're fat or they have tiny air passages or enlarged adnoids, etc), but cuz my brain does not send the signal for me to breath. It sucks royally. I will never sleep well, or at all, without a CPAP machine or oxygen. Kinda a bummer huh? lol oh well!!
Then I was super pleasantly surprised that my best friend Kristen showed up!! I had hoped she would be able to but wasn't counting on it since she's such a super busy lady working so much and taking care of her kiddos, but she came!!! It was SO NICE seeing her and she immediately cheered me up!! I was so grateful that two of the most important people in my life were there with me. I felt safe and comforted and finally could calm down enough that they could release me.
Well, since the surgery my pain has only worsened. Honestly it's MUCH worse than I even let off it to be. I feel so awful that I'm not up and about and helping do anything. I do feel I'm doing well with the girls considering my state, but I wish I could do better. I'm especially distraught, still, over my husband not being home with me.
Anyway, I've had a fever for 5 days now since I've been checking and my abdomen swelling won't go away. I've lost a couple pounds, too. It's hard to eat because it hurts and I get nauseated easily.
So the doc had me come in a week early to check me out. He said to just keep an eye on myself to make sure the pain doesn't get worse or doesn't get better at all and if my fever stays or gets higher that it's a possibility that I have a little internal bleeding going on. Wonderful huh? lol.
Now on another interesting and sad note for me, my brother, Erik, is leaving for the Army in 3 days!!!!! I'm going to miss him terribly! I'm sad I probably won't see him again for YEARS. He's going to training. Okay he'll be back for Christmas that lucky dog since my husband isn't allowed the same privileges (nor do we have the money for it even if he COULD come home) so I will see him again for a couple of days at least.
He's doing infantry, the crazy man. hahaha. But I'm sure he'll do so great and that he'll love it! Erik's such a stud! But I'm very sad he's leaving.
Lacie is having a hard time with kids in school. The boys around here seem to be a little perverted or something. They relentlessly tease Lacie trying to kiss her or pretending to kiss her, trying to look up her shirt, spanking her bottom, throwing things at her, and calling her names. I don't want to tell her that boys do that if they like you because I don't think it's fair for her to accept this mean trait from boys and be okay with a jerk later on in life thinking "it's cuz he loves me that he's such a jerk". Nope. So I tell her to ignore them, walk away, tell them to grow up, and to go tell her teacher right away. At any rate I keep her teacher well informed of the happenings at her school.
Sophie has bad dreams still and asks me sometimes if her daddy is dead. It's awful! Even though she sees him sometimes on the internet talking to her, she still fears this. She's becoming more used to him being gone now, which is good, but she's still very clingy and emotional.
Both my girls are emotional.
And suffering from depression that I'm not quite sure how to combat at this time. Especially since I can't drive and hardly walk or play or do anything.
I do read to them a lot and encourage their cute picture drawing and have them in dance class and hopefully starting music classes soon.
So I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
I'm still living at my parents home and they're pretty much all that I have family-wise that's been supportive to me and my girls.
My ward has been WONDERFUL, too! They've taken the girls so much to help and it's so wonderful and the girls love it and need it!
So there's the update for you.
NO we don't know if we're going to Korea yet. Apparently we were misinformed of being approved to go over there. WE HAVE NOT. It's NOT been approved and they're not any where near approving it either. So we're just sitting here frustrated beyond words and Tyler's lonely without us and depressed and everything else. I pray he clings to the Church and it's members while there. They'll be a huge support and blessing in his life.
Please pray for us. We need the prayers again, very desperately.
I cannot divulge everything on here, but I shared quite a bit already and try as I may to be positive and count my blessings every single day, life pretty much is the pits right now.
Thanks for reading another novel by me, if you read it.
Things are going so well right now! Well, as well as they can be haha. I believe that we're seeing blessings now after the trial of our Faith.
Tyler is doing really well at Basic Training, even though his Platoon is full of immature whiners that are making it hard on the entire Platoon (they're the worst out of 4 Platoons), but besides that he's doing so well and having fun, in between the boredom of repetition haha. He's so funny.
School is almost over for me and I'm so excited! I can finally get some time to start going through all our things. I have to book our flights for Tyler's graduation, reserve the hotel on base some time, rent a car, pay the bills, help Lacie finish up with school, and MAYBE think about starting my writing back up! But we'll see, we'll see.
Right now I'm reeling really good. I'm happy, I'm blessed, I'm VERY grateful and I'm remaining Faithful forever to my God and my hubby.
I'm so proud of Tyler!!! He's working SO hard for us to take care of us! He's a REAL MAN and I am so happy to have one, they're so rare!!! (I know some men don't have the opportunities that Tyler has had so please don't be offended, I don't think less of you at all, ever! We all do the best with what we have and that's what matters the most!).
I am also so proud of myself! I've lost over 20 lbs now in 2-3 weeks. It's so wonderful! But I'm not done yet. I'm bound and determined to get to my goal weight that NOTHING'S stopping me! I'm getting exercise and eating RIGHT and staying 100% true to it.
I am just so grateful for everything the Lord's blessed us with and we have been through sooooooo much already and right now this peace I feel makes it all worth it!
To know I can go to the Temple when I want to, that I do what I know is right, that Tyler and I are both doing the very best we can and we're seeing actual results this time around, it's just such a blessing and such a remarkable feeling!!
Now back to my late-night movie. Finally a few minutes to myself! haha!
Well I might as well update y'all and stop putting it off, right?
Things have been changing a little bit at a time around here and I really hope they continue to change for the good for us.
Tyler passed his EMT and is not officially certified as an Emergency Medical Technician in the State of Utah. RAD!!!!! SO exciting!!! He did so well and I totally knew he would!
And,
he's been very seriously considering and pursuing the Military, specifically the United States Army Active Duty! He's thinking about being a Combat Medic or something else in the medical field. I don't want him to do a job that will put his life in danger, and being a Combat Medic would do just that. But there are so many other medical jobs in the military I'm sure he'll consider a much safer route.
Tyler and I strictly believe that nobody should make such huge decisions in their life without first consulting the Expert. Who might that be? God, duh ;). He knows all, knows what's best, loves us and will never lead us astray, and we really have faith in Him and whatever he has planned for us.
So why stick our noses up at his commandments (or as more popularly called "suggestions") when he's not going to lead us into a path that brings sorrow and pain and regret? It's laughable, really. Only he knows what's best for us and he's made is incredibly easy to figure it out. i.e. follow his commandments, ALL OF THEM, repent when you mess up and YOU WILL MESS UP, and when in doubt ask Him, which is what we're doing right now.
Tyler and I started a fast last night about this decision. We know it's a HUGE one and will determine in a huge way the course in where our lives will lead us.
So far we BOTH feel good about it! Neither of us have felt that it's wrong. We're excited, we're happy, we're hopeful. Sure we're scared. Who wouldn't be??? It's a HUGE deal! But if it's right then that's what we're going to do, just like when we got married.
A lot of people that should have been supporting us when we got married were fighting us tooth and nail, especially against Tyler, and it only made it harder on our relationships with these people to not have their support, but we both knew it was right to get married so we did it anyway, having faith in God that he knew what he was doing. Now we're going through it again. Tyler is going through some adversity and a bit of negative feedback from the very people that should be giving him full support, but hey what can you do? Cry about it? Okay sure we can, but we will not because what matters MOST is TYLER AND LISA. Nobody else. Okay, TYLER AND LISA AND GOD. hee hee. And our family. Just us. Period. That's it. End of story. lol j/k.
Anyway, if it's not right he will not pursue it, hence the reason for the fast. We want to know for sure if it's the right course to take. I mean gosh, Tyler's putting his life literally on the line here!!! And, he'll be leaving me a single mother for many months and quite possibly YEARS as well!!!
The Army recruiter that we both met with a week ago spoke to me very frankly and directly and said that it's the WIFE that's giving the sacrifice in every way. It's HER that will suffer, HER that will be lonely, HER that gives up, HER that has the hard time. The guy gets to play Army and even though he might have a hard time he will not hate it. He might have one bad day out of thousands, but besides that he's playing Army like he always wanted to, gets to shoot guns, jump out of airplanes, save lives, play in the dirt, get strong and muscly, and do just about anything else he wants to, away from his family. He won't have to change diapers, help clean the house, take out the trash, babysit the kids, or ANYTHING.
He really laid it on thick to me. He said that I am going to be miserable most of the time and feel very lonely. He said the only thing that will keep me sane is my family's support and making friends with the other military wives.
SIGH!!!!!!!
I HIGHLY DOUBT I'll get any support from _________. They hate my guts. They hate how outspoken I am. Boo on them. They're missing out I say! lol
Okay, so those are two cool things going on with us right now.
I also reapplied to go back to school at UVU. I'm still not sure what I want to do there. I REALLY want to do Interior Design and get a Real Estate License, but I don't have the money out of pocket to do either and Utah sucks for Interior Design. Everybody here has such a bland taste (sorry!!! But it's true! Nobody thinks outside the box where design is nor will they pay for good design the cheapos!!).
Wow am I being blunt or what?
So I was thinking of Forensics or being a Police Officer. Any other ideas or suggestions? I can't do business or accounting. I'd go literally nuts with boredom!! lol
If the Army thing isn't right for Tyler then he'll be going back to UVU come January to do his pre-nursing classes. He's already doing so well! I'm really proud of him! He's such a strong man and he knows what he wants and he stands by it and I love that.
On the down side. The girls have been getting sick A LOT. My mom says it's cuz they have low immune systems and I tend to agree with her. Especially Sophie. Ideas on what to do to help them?? No, we are NOT getting any stupid flu shots so don't even go there (hahaha, sorry!) but I'll be open to any other suggestions at all!!
Right now we think Sophie has bronchitis. You should hear her cough! Poor girl coughs all day and all night long and it won't go away! Their fevers won't go away either. I'm worried about them. Poor little things!
We've missed SOOOO much church for being sick literally every single weekend!!! Okay there have been a weekend here and there that they've not been sick, but that's been rare. It's really discouraging because I really miss church and the HUGE PEACE I feel there.
I DO NOT go for the people. Who cares what they may or may not think about us? I go because I know it's the Lord's church and you can feel his spirit there and it's so refreshing. It's like filling up your battery. I love it!
Oh and I just wanted to mention a few things I'm grateful for.
1. My friends.
I have some REALLY REALLY REALLY good friends. You guys are amazing and so supportive and so good! You are true friends and I love you guys so much! No matter where we go in life I know you'll always be there for me and I'll ALWAYS be there for you! If there's one thing that I value more than I can express it's a true friendship. I am so loyal.
Anyway, my friends have been a HUGE support for us. I have really and truly needed every one of you. Sure, there have been a few that have misunderstood me/used me and hurt me and are slowly disappearing, but it's their loss, right? I truly believe so. One day, and even now, I believe that those who choose to be our friends God blesses. I really believe this. I feel it's true. So thank you so much for being there!!
2. My family.
We've had a bumpy road with some family but the family that is TRUE family has stood by our sides no matter what!!! I may have a big mouth on me and can easily offend others and those who are TRUE FAMILY know this and forgive me for this. They know that I do not mean to offend; they know I have a tender and loving heart, so they forgive. I consider a lot of my family some of my best friends and I absolutely love that. There is no better relationship you can have in this life than to be best friends with a family member. Tyler is my best friend in the whole wide world and he's also my husband i.e. a family member. I am really grateful for a few really good family members and I love you guys so much! Thank you for everything!!!
3. My girls & husband (my FAMILY family).
My girls are such bright lights in my life. I was told that I only had 30% chance of ever having a child. I was told that I would miscarry most of my babies and if any of them ever made it to birth and survived it would be a miracle. Well I have two amazing miracles!!!!
I know that I was HARSHLY and wrongfully judged when I was pregnant with both of them and had to quit working, but if I had not quit working THEY WOULD HAVE DIED. My body has an incredibly difficult time being pregnant. I was SO blessed to even get pregnant with my little girls. I know for SURE they are supposed to be here and they're supposed to be mine and Tyler's children. I feel a special connection with my two girls. And I am very very grateful I have two girls. To me they are perfect. And they're mine. And I am very lucky to have them!
And my husband. He has been through SO much. I feel like his life as been unfair for the most part but he's been so positive and even more-so he's been persevering. He has overcome some of the hardest obstacles out there and come out on top! He is a very hard worker, dedicated, and he follows what he knows to be right. Sure he's not perfect, but WHO IS in this life? What matter is that he's made it so far and has really grown into a very strong and stable man who I am so proud of and so in love with!!!!
He has faced so much adversity in his life and always chooses the right in the end. I also know that if I had taken over his job as the "bread winner" that he would not be as far as he is right now. There's just something in it for a man when he can truly be a MAN and be allowed to be the MAN and make the money like he wants to and seeks to further his education. Tyler has grown more and more into a MAN every day and it's been AMAZING to watch!!! He's really learning self-respect and self-confidence this way.
It actually has been a blessing for Tyler to have a wife with many health problems. I have not been able to go further my education and get a career that I KNOW I would have if I had been able to and if I'd done this then Tyler would not have had to "step up". I hope I'm making sense without coming across as offensive at all. But it's something that we both have realized, and I'm really so VERY grateful for it.
4. The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
This has literally SAVED ME. Saved my life, saved my happiness, saved everything. Because I believe in my religion I am strong. Not just any religion, but in the specific religion I belong to. Believe me when I say that I know this is God's one and true religion and that there is ONLY ONE WAY back to Him and Eternal Life. I'm getting tired of hearing from people that there are many ways and that every person has their own way to get to God and Heaven and that God will accept everybody into Heaven, blah blah blah. People who believe this way DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Anyway, I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for my testimony. I sincerely and thoroughly and very thoughtfully believe in This church with ALL of my heart and mind and feel indebted to God every day for being allowed to be a member of His kingdom and His church and to partake of his Eternal blessings every single day of my life. I am so happy and satisfied with where things are with my religious part of life and what and how I believe. I have no doubts; there is nothing that I can think of that could ever deter me from this faith that I have. I AM NOT PERFECT, and I can falter, and I do make LOTS of mistakes every day, but what does matter is that I have a true testimony and I keep that by working at it every day, and that I repent of my MANY "transgressions" and errors.
Okay those are just 4 things I am very grateful for at this time. They aren't in the order of what's most important to me at all, just so ya know.
Let's just say that life has been hard and rough etc etc etc., but we're not giving up. Sure, we have enemies. Sure, we have problems. Sure, we have trials. Who doesn't????
What matters is how we choose to be at the end of the day. How we choose to react. How we choose to live.
And we're choosing to live the way God has asked us to, no matter how much rebuttal we can get, because we know that he wants what is the absolute BEST for us and wants our happiness and joy to be full because he loves us that much, and more.
Okay so I've been waiting to write in here again for hopefully some good news for a change, but there's not been a LOT of that, but there is definitely new things that have happened.
The stress Tyler and I BOTH carry is so huge right now. Sophie has been very difficult to deal with and we're not sure if it's a phase or if it's more serious than that. She's been seeing a Child Psychologist and that's great. She's so good with Sophie and she gets to play the entire time. It's cute.
Still no job for Tyler. He's been applying for jobs EVERY SINGLE DAY and I've been looking for him and so have other people. I've been applying for jobs, too.
I did get a part-time job working for Women in Business Magazine selling advertising space. I've had NO luck with that whatsoever!! I've spent hours calling people and emailing people with nothing coming from it. My boss has encouraged me to go door-to-door but I just haven't been able to do that in this last week at all!
Well, y'all know that I have lots of health issues. Not one of them are made up or exaggerated as I KNOW that some people think they are. I don't lie about my health. I'm just not used to being unhealthy and fat. Think about that for a second, k? I grew up very healthy, energetic, super skinny and athletic and never took a break from all my activities. I was a go-getter and worked my butt off. Being sick, having surgery, being hurt, NOTHING slowed me down. Of course I'd bounce right back from that stuff cuz I was in such good and healthy shape.
Then I got pregnant with Sophie and that all came crashing down.
Having Gall Bladder Disease is different than gall stones or slush/mud or whatever in the gall bladder. It's a disease, not something brought on by poor eating habits or being overweight. I was underweight. Anyway, I had that while pregnant with Sophie. It made me very ill. I lost lots of weight. So I HAD to have it out during my pregnancy. After getting it out I developed a serious form of Acid Reflux Disease. Not just little bitty heart burn. Acid Reflux feels SO MUCH WORSE than heart burn!! Trust me, I know cuz I have both and always had heart burn.
Then my thyroid went south. Try going along life with a malfunctioning thyroid all of a sudden. It's a shock!!! It's still up and down like a yo-yo and it's very taxing. I'm losing all my hair and that's the least of the problems it's caused.
My health problems have been coming steadily since I carried Sophie. A broken hand, thumb, foot. Mono twice. Pneumonia. Daily migraines. Sleep Apnea. Now Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and my endometriosis is worse. You realize that endo. is messed up, right? It can cement your insides to each other and can be excruciatingly painful and debilitating. PCOS causes all sorts of problems!!! Anyway, the list is HUGE. Sure I don't have Diabetes or Cancer or Multiple Sclerosis, but you know what? I'd rather have ONE health problem like that than multiple ones like mine that hit me all at once!!!!
Plus the weight gain. Wow. Try gaining like 50 lbs in 3 years, people, on a small frame. It's very taxing and painful! It puts so much pressure and strain on your body. It's different than always having been heavy, ya know? My body is not used to this!!!
Sorry I complain so much. Just try to see where I'm coming from!!! All of this IN 3-4 YEARS!!!! It's VERY SUDDEN and a LOT to handle!!!
To top it off Tyler lost his job, I can't make hardly a penny to help out, we lost our car, we almost got evicted, we've been sued............ okay I can go on but you all have heard all that before. It's just been a lot!
I know those who haven't been through what we're going through can judge and say we brought it on ourselves or that we're doing something wrong.
NOT. Sorry to let you down, but it's nothing stupid we've done. I promise.
I prayed about all of these things we've been going through and Heavenly Father told me as plain as day that Tyler and I are BOTH REQUIRED to go through it. There's NO OTHER WAY. So that helps me to know that.
Okay, so all of this has been giving both Tyler and I major chest pains and headaches and migraines.
Tyler's chest pains were bad when he was in his EMT class so the paramedics said, "no screwing around where chest pain is" and sent him via ambulance to the Emergency Room!
So I get this phone call from a fairly calm Tyler saying they think he might be having a heart attack or something else and to come to him. He wanted me there. He didn't say to call anyone else. All I could think of was MY ETERNAL COMPANION WAS IN THE ER POSSIBLY DYING!!!!!!!! I'm NOT going to be thinking of anyone else except maybe mine and his parents.
Really sucky thing was his parents were in Idaho celebrating Joe's (Tyler's little brother) graduation from PA school. Which was totally narly!!!! But they couldn't be here!!
Anyway, I had NO way of getting to Tyler so I called my dad first to tell him and ask for a ride. Dad said to call Daniel cuz he was here in town near me so I called Daniel to get a ride. Then I called Tyler's dad. While Tyler and my dad were talking to me I was already on Facebook and so I felt impressed to write my status letting my friends and family know that way. There was NO WAY I was going to call his siblings or mine or our friends about this cuz I'm Tyler's number 1 and he's my number 1 and my first priority was to get myself to my husband's side. Well, I knew that our dads would let our siblings know, cuz that's just how that works out right?
Anyway, it took FOREVER for my bro to get to me!!!! I waited 45 minutes. I was such a wreck!!!!! I finally got to my husband's side and when he saw me he just teared up and I held him and we cried.
It was so scary and really shook us both up so much!!!!!
I was so glad that my parents and sister and two of tyler's siblings could get there to be with him while he waited for me.
Anyway, that was so taxing on me.
I mean I could've lost my husband of almost 7 years and my Eternal Companion and father of my children and my best friend!!!!!!! I was so upset!!!
Okay, so that happened.
Then just like two or three days later a very inconsiderate and VERY MISINFORMED AND GOSSIPED TO person told me basically that it was my fault that Tyler had those chest pains and told me to make sure it would never happen again.
OH MY GOSH I ABOUT DIED!!!!!!! I was SO SHOCKED and hurt and taken aback and disgusted. Wow. HOW COULD SOMEBODY SAY THAT TO SOMEONE??????????
I can only assume this person was greatly misinformed about how things run at my house AND it was NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
They wouldn't even tell me what they were talking about... no details, no explanation, nothing. I'm still left guessing what they were getting at. I'm still bothered by it, and I shouldn't be! I should just forget it and let it go!!!
Well, with that weighing me down then having problems with me sharing about MY husband to my own family and friends (a couple people didn't like me talking about MY husband and publicly humiliated me) and then my husband being pressured by people....... WOW. It was way too much.
I hit my breaking point.
I really did.
Tyler is doing okay now. He still has some chest pain but it's not heart attack. He's undiagnosed for now. When we get insurance BOTH Tyler and I will be seeing my dad's cardiologist who is just EXCELLENT. Gary Symkoviak I think in SLC. Anyway, it's really expensive, but I've been told by my reg doc and other docs I see to get my heart checked ASAP. I just haven't because it costs so much!!! So we'll just have to wait.
Anyway, all of this was just too much. TOO MUCH!!!!
I haven't had a break or vacation in such a very long time. There hasn't been a break of breathing room or good news in such a long time for us that it's just been too much. Then on top of that I have all these people from a specific group that really despise me and blame me for everything and have no compassion, empathy, understanding, love, charity or anything for me and they just constantly go up and down with me and when it's down they really beat me!!!! It's more than anyone can take.
I'D HAD IT.
I hurried upstairs on Monday afternoon to cry where Tyler and the girls wouldn't hear me. But I'd also started having an asthma attack. I'm not sure if it was from allergies or from the stress/anxiety, but I have a feeling it was the latter.
The asthma made it very difficult to breath and so I hid my face in my bed to sob. I couldn't help it. I was more upset than I realized and I sobbed very hard and loudly so I tried to keep myself quiet. I don't cry very often. I feel pathetic when I do.
So while I was sobbing and trying to breath I kept coughing and coughing anc crying harder and harder. I got more and more upset. I'm sure the adversary was playing with me. Using others as tools to pull me down and using my own insecurities to make it all worse.
I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't stop!! It got worse and worse. I remember thinking "i can't breath! I can't get air in!" and I couldn't stop!! I tried but could not. I kept coughing and sobbing and gasping for air and felt trapped. I couldn't even move. I was seeing stars and black around my eyes and soooo weak and cold. I remember Sophie coming in and saying, as if I'd called for her, "What mommy?" I know that Heavenly Father sent her in to me to save me. She went and got daddy cuz suddenly Tyler had put me on my side. He was talking to me but I don't know what he was saying. I remember he asked me if I wanted him to call the paramedics and I shook my head NO! I did NOT want that attention or embarrassment!!! Esp after Tyler had already been hauled in the ambulance just a few days before!!
I remember Tyler helping me stand and walk. I couldn't hardly even move my own feet! It was so weird and hard! I felt weak, heavy, uncoordinated, and confused. He managed to get me to the ER and I guess a neighbor lady took the girls.
At the ER I remember a lady saying my name and looking me right in my face and forcing my eyes open. There was a mask on my face and it made it harder to breath and it was so hard! I couldn't even move my hands to take the mask off! I wanted it OFF my face! I was so cold and I remember the room was really bright. Then she was telling me to hold my breath. It was so hard!!! I would try but would cough instead. But I guess it did help. After what seemed like an Eternity my gasps of air weren't so strong and hard and I was soooooooooo tired!!!! I felt like I'd just run a marathon! And YES I know what it's like to run a very long distance, people. Remember I used to be in top notch shape and used to run very fast in very long distances.
Then I think I fell asleep. Then I remember seeing Tyler and I was okay. I could suddenly breath. I was just soo exhausted. Then the pain came.
It started in my neck, head and back. And then my legs, arms, then finally my chest then my lungs. WOW it hurt!! I was so sore I felt like I'd been beat up. I also realize at that time that I was soaking wet with sweat!! Yuck!
All I could do was apologize to Tyler over and over again. I felt like such a fool.
Tyler later told me that at home my respirations were at 84 a minute which is like what a newborn breaths. And my pulse was at 104. My heart was super racing. I couldn't even feel my heart during all of this so that surprised me.
Just try to breath in and out as fast as you possibly can and hard and that's what it was like. Then do that for AN HOUR STRAIGHT.
My blood pressure was 143/84 or something like that. VERY HIGH for me. I'm normally 115/72 or less. Over time these dropped, of course.
If I hadn't gotten control with the mask and trying to control it myself they would've intubated me and knocked me out to save my life.
Tyler said I was hanging by a thread pretty much. It was very serious.
So yeah, there you go. I had an adventure.
That let me know that I've reached my limit. Or hopefully I have or hopefully I haven't. I know that the Lord doesn't put us through more than we can handle, so I am just praying that things will start to work out for us now.
Now, one bit of possible really good news that we just got tonight!!
Tyler got a letter back from the University of Utah Cardiology Department saying that his resume and application have been submitted to the hiring department!!!!!!!!!!!!! So he is so close to getting the job!!!!! Of course they let him know that this can take weeks, but that's okay because our contract is up Oct 1 and if it all works out just right we could move up to SLC at that time if Tyler gets this job. WOW it would be sooooo wonderful!
This job is an on-call job but full time. Pretty narly, eh? He'd be an EKG Technician. (heart monitoring stuff).
You know what? I'm really soooo proud of my Tyler!!! I KNEW he had it in him!! And you know what also? If I'd gone to work full time and gone to school I don't know if he would've realized his strength and potential. We BOTH followed the spirit when it came to making these decisions. You know that in each family and marriage that choices they make are between the two and with God, not anybody else, and these are the decisions we made based on following the Spirit. It's been hard, but it's been worth it so far.
I am proud of both of us for remaining faithful in the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout all of this. Our faith has been greatly tried and we've been tempted and toyed with and ridiculed, rejected, backstabbed, hurt, attacked, and so on and so forth enough that I think it could've caused anybody to lose their faith and fall away. But our testimonies remain firm, we continue in faith, and that brings peace and happiness into our home. That brings strength to ride these currents that we could not have gained in any other way. I know this with all my heart!!
So there's our latest update as of now.
If any of you don't like what I write, too bad, cuz this is about MY PERSONAL EMMEDIATE FAMILY! lol
And I feel impressed to share our story, as personal as some of you may find it, I'm going to continue to follow impressions I receive, even if it includes posting updates on Facebook and Twitter, etc. lol
Anyway, I am so grateful for marrying Tyler. He's grown by leaps and bounds and has turned into such a strong and good man!!! He truly is my "knight in shining armour"!!! I try my best at supporting him in everything as he does for me. I let him pretty much do whatever he wants because I know he'll always make the righteous and smart choice. He's such a good man and has come through so much. I am so grateful for the Gospel and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The people are NOT PERFECT!!!!! But the church is, period. I know that the commandments and "rules" God gives us is for our good and if we follow them faithfully we'll be happy and feel fulfilled and satisfied. If we keep our faith and endure we are blessed and Christ literally helps carry our burdons so that they don't feel as heavy as they really are. I know that Christ is living and that he loves me and that he KNOWS my heart and what I'm going through. I know he's here for me. And I love how I was brought up in the truthfulness and shown the correct way to go. I am so happy for such righteous parents that follow the commandments and have NEVER fallen away. They are so amazing to me in that way. And I know we all owe it to their parents for raising them so well, and so on and so forth. I hope to do the same for my dear daughters that God has entrusted us with to teach the truth and show the way to.
Anyway, I know these things in my heart. And I know anybody can if they want to and if they seek for it.
Good night y'all. Have a good one, and if you feel so inclined, pray that Tyler gets this EKG Tech job at the U of U. It'd be such a relief!!!!!!!
So I wanted to write a blog a little bit about me and how I feel and stuff.
While growing up I didn't have many friends. I had a few and I loved them dearly and kept them as close as I can. Those friends were: Molly Hosmer, April, Kristin, Kathy & Karen Subashe, my cousins Emily Hegerhorst and Jeni Hegerhorst, and then later Trina Thompson. I had other good acquaintances and what-not, but no close friends. Especially when I was younger.
I was SO SO skinny that I used to be bullied by family and peers alike. It wasn't my fault and I didn't have an eating disorder. People hated me for it.
I was always made fun of, picked on, devided from everyone else, the brunt of everyone's joke, etc. It was really, really bad.
I was really shy and kept to myself for the most part. Whenever I did talk or laugh I got horribly dirty looks. It was really hard.
Then I moved to Lehi and went to American Fork High school and actually made lots of friends! It was great! I finally had a life and enjoyed it, too.
I was a very good girl. I never even kissed a boy (on purpose) until I was 19 years old!! lol!!
Then I got a scholarship to Utah Valley State College and did really well, except in Spanish! lol. I failed that and half-way through stopped going, esp after the teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class. That was the 2nd time I've been told that in front of a class. It's sooo humiliating and degrading!!
While in college I did Reserve Officer Training Corp which I LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!
I went from not being able to do ONE push-up to doing 200 a day!!! I'd do 100 every morning and 100 every night, EASY. I did 400 sit-ups a day, too.
I joined a community swim team and every morning got up at 4 and picked up one of my best friends, Dori Grange, and we'd go swimming for 2 1/2 hours STRAIGHT with no breaks. That was a great workout!
With another friend I did Kick-boxing and another martial art every other day. That was the best work-out ever!!
Then I went with another friend to the gym 1-2 times A DAY!!
I'd eat salads, donuts, rolls, mashed potatoes, and just plain ol' fiber and protein pastes (YUCK).
I was in SUPERB shape!
I could run up and down Provo canyon no problem at all and then jump into the damn with no breaks, swim out easily, and continue to run.
I could do over 20 pullups in a matter of seconds.
I could live off of only 4 hours of sleep a night and do all of this the next day!
I could go to a dance club allll night long and NEVER get tired at all! I'd dance NON-STOP, no sweat!
I was super flexible, had lots of energy, so much strength, and felt great!
I was doing a little bit of modeling here and there.
Then I got offered a HUGE opportunity!
I was offered to be one of the finalist auditioners to go to LA and audition for the future new hit TV show, Friends. Dead serious! I was told to tell NO ONE for a long time.
When I got my mission call I had to turn it down and my agent was FURIOUS. She yelled and yelled at me.
Then almost 100% of my friends turned their backs on me for deciding to serve a mission.
They'd ridicule me at school, at work, everywhere public and private. It was horrible, but it didn't sway me at all.
So I gave up all my dreams and went on a mission.
I was constantly exhausted on my mission and my periods were getting worse and worse and worse. I'm talking about EXTREME pain here.
Also before my mission I got infected with E-Coli, the BAD and very dangerous and deadly kind. I was the only case that year in the country let alone my state! I had state health dept calling me and the country's health dept calling me and this big ol' investigation made to find the source of my illness.
The pain was more than any I've ever felt. It was like childbirth but worse because the pain was constant.
I couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink or anything.
All my veins collapsed, I was severely dehydrated, and bleeding out of my bum and mouth.
I was hospitalized and the only thing they said they could do for me was drug me up and remove my large colon cuz it was so damaged.
I got a Priesthood blessing and my colon improved that very night so it was saved.
The Morphin I was on didn't make one bit of difference for the pain. I didn't even care if I was naked I hurt so bad.
The doc asked if there was anything he could do for me and I was DEAD SERIOUS when I whispered to him to gut me.
I broke my leg playing soccer and I would rather my worst enemy break both their legs than go through E-Coli!!
After my mission I got a cyst on my ovary caused by Endometriosis and it ruptured and I hemoraged for hours. Stupid doctors didn't help me. I should've gone to the ER.
I ended up having a D&C and then later a Laporoscopic surgery for the Endo.
Since then my health has steadily and increasingly gone down-hill drastically.
Both of my pregnancies were high risk. I almost lost both of them! I won't go into detail but it was very serious and I could NOT work or I'd lose my babies. hardly worth it don't ya think? lol.
I remained really skinny, even after having Lacie. Even while pregnant with Sophie.
I got really sick with Sophie and NOBODY believed me! for FIVE LOOONG MONTHS I was so super suffering. Nobody believed it and just kept saying it was just pregnancy pains. WHATEVER!
Finally after seeing like 8 doctors one referred me to a specialist and they got me right in.
I had Gall Bladder Inflammatory Disease. NOT caused by being over-weight like most cases, or by eating bad, like most cases, or by my age, like most cases. Mine was a VERY RARE case they said.
It was so severe they HAD to take it out while I was pregnant. It was deadly for both Sophie and I to not take it out ASAP.
After I had that out I gained so much weight!
We could never figure out why!
But my body was having a hard time digesting everything.
After that I got Hypothyroidism, which took like 1 1/2 years to figure out, severe Acid Reflux Disease. It was so bad that the acid would go up my throat and into my lungs! They say that pain is like having a serious heart attack. I can vouch for that! It was so severe that I couldn't even dial 911, which I tried to cuz I was sure I was dying.
Then Migraines came on. And more Endometriosis that's caused multiple problems.
And now a severe magnesium deficiency.
I've had mono at least twice now.
And a broken foot I walked on for 3 months without knowing it but suffereing silently. It's not permanantly damaged and hurts every single day of my life.
I got into a car accident that threw my back and pelvis out and broke my right hand, which they didn't believe the jerks.
Also due to family issues (I just have to say it because it's so true) and my health issues and financial issues, I got bad depression. Mostly from Post-Partum. It was so severe I won't even say how bad it was cuz it's just sad and embarrassing. I then got serious Anxiety issues, severe Insomnia, and some paranoyia.
I've been on many medications now.
My weight WILL NOT got down and I've been SO judged by it.
I've been severely exhausted.
I probably have heart disease and my doctor's all want me to get my heart checked but I've had so many other issues come up now that I just have been putting it off.
My teeth are rotting and in super pain but nobody even cares. I'm supposed to get at least one root canal. It's so bad it's given me this rotting stenchy breath!
My Neurologist says that my migraines, if they go untreated, WILL result in a stroke they're so bad and also due to my family medical history.
I have high cholesterole, too.
And now I, about 98% sure, have skin cancer. Not serious kind, but having it none-the-less is NOT cool! I have spots all over my face and head. ONe is growing rapidly and I'll be getting that removed on Monday.
This is NOT fun.
People wonder why I don't work and why I don't exercise and get thin again and seem so negative.
I really am very positive considering all of this and more that I've been through.
There's a reason for everything. And there's a reason for why I suffer through so much. I take it all in stride and I really believe I handle it very well considering.
I have been HARSHLY judged by friends, family and others alike. Still some hate me and stay away from me. They think I make things up or think that I'm a mean or bad person. It's like WHAT???? They do NOT know me at all.
One day all who have talked bad about me, thought bad about me, and treated me bad will regret it. That's a promise. I know in my heart that I am a very good and decent person and they're making mistakes.
Being rejected by family is the hardest, esp when they don't have good reasons, or if they just go by what others have said to them about me that are lies, exagerations, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.
I'm not talking about ONE family in particular, okay?
I'm a good mommy and a good wife and I love my family more than anything else in existence!! I nurture my children and my husband.
I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give them compliments. Like all the time!! I'm very loving and passionate towards them and I listen to them.
I TRY AND DO MY ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!!!
I used to be so top-notch healthy and now look at me. And I'm blamed for it!!
How could anyone blame me for how I am now?? HOW?? It's NOT my fault but my calling in life, obviously.
I don't bring on these problems. They just come. Right after another, and on top of each other.
I now have pneumonia and I'm so exhausted, yet again!
I'm SO grateful for a husband who helps me out so much around the house and with the girls! He might lack compassion or understanding about 99% of the time (thanks to negative things said to him all the time about me), but he does take super good care of my babies and responsibilities around the house and even for me when I ask.
I really realy really hope that this crap will pass!
I'm seriously considering going back to school full-time to do R.O.T.C. again to kick my butt back but I'm afraid that it might kill me. I really am. I know something's wrong with my heart.
The constant pain and pressure I feel on a daily basis. The hard time breathing. The really heavy and hard pounding of my heart beats. The severe exhaustion and NEVER getting enough sleep!!
Even with my CPAP machine for my Sleep Apnea isn't good enough!!
My Sleep Apnea is really bad. I stop breathing from 10 second to over 1 minute at a time, and do this all night long.
I have SEVERELY disturbing and horrifying dreams every time I sleep so I HATE going to sleep.
I mean my dreams are GORRY and horrifying. Doesn't matter what I watch or what I listen to or anything. i've had them almost all my life, but they're getting worse and worse.
They don't scare me so much, they're just very disturbing and I don't understand why I have them.
I have serious anxiety when I have to go around ANY family at all pretty much because of the harsh judgments I've recieved and harsh things that have been said about me and to me. It's really not fair. It's hurt me.
But I am very forgiving and accepting and really really can love EVERYBODY sooooo easily!!
This is good and bad. Bad because it ALWAYS comes back and bites me in the butt! I'm too loving and caring and accepting and trusting.
I trust everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Because of this I am constantly being hurt and disappointed and taken advantage of.
I've made a few bad decisions in my life like everyone else, but only ONE serious choice that I've had to pay the consequences to for years and probably for the rest of Eternity. But I know I've been forgiven.
because of what I've been through I will NEVER EVER EVER forsake the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know for SURE and complete CERTAINTY that it is God's church. I KNOW because of the things I've personally witnessed that are way too sacred to tell anyone except maybe my husband.
So no matter what goes on in my life, or what others say or think about me, or what happens with my health or anything, I know where I stand.
I know my God and his church come FIRST, my family SECOND, myself THIRD, my country FOURTH. And so on and on.
I wish so much that problems people have with me that they'd just LISTEN to me and get to know me by heart and know what type of person I am.
I wish they'd give me a CHANCE.
I'm a very rational, reasonable, and understanding person and am always filled with deep compassion for anyone.
I don't like it when people outright reject Jesus Christ and his Gospel and church, but I still will love everyone despite their beliefs. Even that crappy, dishonest, dark and misleading and lying and scary, evil scary, Obama.
I am very, very confident with my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the church. And I am very VERy confident in my standing with my beliefs and morals and ideas, etc.
I feel so SO bad about how I've been physically. It really is so hard on me when I was SO out there with everything and in such perfect shape and form.
I've NEVER EVER been known to be lazy!
Now I've been told that people think I am because I don't go out and do Tyler's job at being the bread-maker or whatever you call it.
I've been told I'm lazy cuz my house isn't spotless and I'm not gone all day doing things, like working or whatever.
Poeple, if you only knew!!!!!!!!!
I know God does. And in the end that's ALL that matters.
Meantime my life goes on and I'm dealing with it the best way that I can.
I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am NOT seeking pity and attention.
I am NOT trying to embarrass anybody or make anythign worse.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight.
I am NOT whining!!
I'm just sharing and explaining.
I am very open and very sharing because I'm very trusting and believe it's BETTER to be open and honest about everything but that which is SACRED.
Anyway, that is another topic altogether!! lol
Okay, any questions? Comments? Whatever... please write them here on my blog, whoever you are.
Now back to chatting with Amy, one of my best friends 
So Tyler and I decided that a fast would be a good thing to do for our situation since we could see no other alternatives to our situation.
We'd contacted those who we could and tried to do what we could and nothing worked out.
We had to pay 600.00 for our truck TODAY in order to not get it repossessed like our poor little car (that I miss terribly. It was like losing one of the family lol).
This morning Tyler got up really early and went to school to figure out why his school was charging him right now, every month, and why he didn't get the discount for his dad going to school there, too, and check on other financial aid issues.
Luckily he talked to a lady there who knew what she was doing and fixed Tyler's financial aid and credited us 5,000.00!! And took off all the late payments we've had and deferred his loans until July and then when we get to that point they'll probably be able to defer it another 6 months.
Cool eh???
Well, then that super rude chick from America First Credit Union called Tyler and said, "where's the money? You have until 6:00pm tonight to get it here". Tyler said, "let me talk to your supervisor or manager". So he talked to the manager at their collections dept and told her our situation.
Said he'd just lost his job, this was our only vehicle, we couldn't buy another one, and we wouldn't have a way to get another job let alone have a way to get there without the truck. So anyway, she understood and after Tyler said we want to pay them and want to make this work but give us a chance. So she did. WOW she did! We only have to pay 400.00 by Tuesday instead and then they'll work with us for the rest and let us continue regular payments. THANK GOODNESS!!!
Tyler was incredibly relieved and on cloud 9 when he came home. I have missed him like that.
Then the mail came.
Tyler brought the mail to me with a big smile on his face. One letter was from his previous employer, Gunther's Comfort Air in American Fork. There was a check inside.
He read a letter that explained that there are certain employees that have been there a long while and work hard and Tyler was one of them.
So Tyler got a check from them for 300.00!!!! It was part of his Profit Sharing that they were NOT going to give out this year.
So here's what we think.
Blaine, his boss and owner, felt so bad about having to lay Tyler off and when he found out our car had been repossessed and I wasn't working he felt worse. His direct boss, Lance, also knew about our circumstances and the laying off was a complete shock. And he was getting a Profit Sharing. Only the Project Managers were getting them. So we think the two of them talked and decided to give Tyler a cut from Lance's Profit Sharing check.
So we were saved!!!!
We'd had a talk last night about our situation and know that God will bless us more when we're being obedient. Honestly, we haven't been that obedient. Nothing too serious for being temple recommend holders, but they were sins of omission, which can be more devastating than anything at all. It has deep spiritual consequences that can cause any strong member of God's church to lose his faith and slowly but surely fall away.
God wants to bless us but CANNOT when we are not obedient. It's just as simple as that. He is bound when we do what he says but when we don't we have no promise.
This is a trial of our faith, pure and simple.
We started the fast with prayer. It was our last resort.
And our prayer and fast was answered. We believe it was a miracle. Pure and simple. And we feel so much relief!!
Originally published on Special Bulletin on January 31, 2009, here's Quit The Mormon Church:I have been thinking of quitting the “Mormon Church.” Yes, if I can, I am going to get even with that church. As soon as I can find another church that teaches about the Gathering ofthe House of Israel; the return of the Ten Tribes and their mission; there turn of the Jews to Palestine and why, and how they are going to build the temple; the building of temples and what to do with them; the mission of Elias, the prophet, as predicted by Malachi; the method for the salvation of the people that died at the time of Noah in the flood; the origin of the American Indian; the complete explanation of why Jesus of Nazareth had to have a mortal mother but not a mortal father; the explanation of the three degrees of glory (three heavens) as mentioned by Paul; the complete explanation of why Elias and Moses did not die but had to be translated (since they both lived before the resurrection was introduced by Christ); the restoration of the gospel by modern revelation as promised by Peter and Paul and Jesus himself; the belief in eternal marriage and the family, and the knowledge and the place to seal for eternity; that teaches abstinence from all harmful drugs and foods ; and that sells the best fire insurance policy on earth, for the last days, for only a 10th of my income. Yes sir, as soon as I can find another church that teaches all that, or even half as much, I will say good-bye to this Mormon Church. The church that I am looking for must also be able to motivate 50,000+ youth, and adults, for the first, second or third time, to leave their homes for two years at their own expense and go to far-away places to teach and preach without salary. It must be able to call, on a frosty day, some 5 or 6 thousand professors, students, lawyers, doctors, judges, policemen, businessmen, housewives and children to go and pick apples at 6 a. m. It must be able to call meetings and get the attention for two hours of more than 150,000 men. Yes, it must also teach and show why salvation isassured for children who die before eight years of age. Could you help me find a church that teaches all that and hundreds of other doctrines and principles, which I have no room to mention here, and which brings solace and comfort to the soul; peace, hope, and salvation to mankind, and above all, that answers the key questions that all the great philosophers have asked; questions and answers that explain the meaning of life, the purpose of death, suffering and pain; the absolute need for a Redeemer and the marvelous plan conceived and executed by Jesus Christ the Savior? Yes, as soon as I find another church that teaches that, and also that has the organization and the powers to make that teaching effective, I am going to quit the Mormon Church. For I should not tolerate that “they” should change a few words in the Book of Mormon-even if those changes simply improve the grammar and the syntax of the verses - for, after all, don’t you think the Divine Church should employ angels as book makers, and clerks, to do all the chores on earth? Don’t you think, Mr. Editor, that the Divine Church should also have prophets that don’t get sick and don’t get old and die, and certainly, that don’t make a goof here and there?No, sir! A Divine Church should be so divine that only perfect people should belong to it, and only perfect people should run it. As a matter of fact, the Church should be so perfect that it should not even be here on earth! So, I repeat, if any one of the kind readers of this imperfect letter knows about another church that teaches and does as much for mankind as the Mormon Church, please let me know. And please do it soon, because my turn to go to the cannery is coming up. Also, “they” want my last son (the fifth one) to go away for two years and again, I have to pay for all that. And I also know that they expect me to go to the farm to prune trees, and I have heard that our ward is going to be divided again, and it is our side that must build the new chapel.And also, someone the other day had the gall of suggesting that my wife and I get ready to go on a second mission, and when you come back, they said, you can volunteer as a temple worker. Boy, these Mormons don’t leave you alone for a minute. And what do I get for all that, I asked? “Well,” they said, “for one, you can look forward to a funeral service at no charge!” Do you think you can help me to find another church? Thomas D. Clark [KLP: Check out http://mormon.org for more information about "ThisMormon Church" or more specifically, The Church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-Day Saints.]
