So Tyler is working for the 2nd night in a row as a PLUMBER!!!! lol He got the job from our next door neighbor! He referred Tyler and they called him and had him start emmediately. It's so cool! Only thing is it's alllllll night long! UNGH! I hate having him gone at night. It's hard to go to bed without him and hard to get the girls to bed without him. There went our nightly routine as a family. I still do my best, though, and it's only been two nights.
He works like 10-18 hour shifts!! So it's super insane. He doesn't work every night, though. We'll see how that goes. We're not sure what they're going to pay him, either. He's doing the job of a certified plumber so that's really good. He's not just the grunt man. He knows what he's doing and he's a hard worker. I'm so proud of him!
He's taking 1 month off of school. This would've been his CNA module but he's taking his EMT course still and the CNA teacher wasn't willing to work with him since he'd be missing one night a week. It was a annoying, but it worked out perfectly anyway for him to get this job. When he's done with the EMT in Sept then he'll go do his CNA and go from there.
We really hope they pay him decent at this plumbing job. It's very hard work and very demanding and all night long. We have thousands and thousands in medical bills and we're starting to drown in them. We thought we were starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel then more health problems arose and we're starting to get the bills for them. They're in the thousands. It's just so overwhelming! If it continues on like this we'll have to do medical bankruptcy and never get into a house then. I hope it doesn't have to go down that way!!!
So because of our medical bills I'm unable to see doctors I desperately need to see. I saw a Uro-Gyn last week and he did some tests. I have to see him two more times for him to look in my bladder for tumors or endometriosis or polyps to see why there's blood in my urine and why I'm in so much pain most of the time. I'm worried about this because we don't have insurance, and this job doesn't offer insurance, and if I get diagnosed with something WOW we're just really screwed and I'm scared to death! I already have so many other diseases and problems that I don't think insurance will ever cover me again since we lost ours when Tyler got laid off.
I'm also supposed to see my Endometriosis/PCOS Specialist to see if I need surgery for that or whatever. I'm going to have to cancel that appointment. We cannot afford it. I'm also supposed to see a Fertility Specialist that my Uro-Gyn referred me to. I cannot afford that, either.
I possibly have a heart problem/disease and so if I were to get pregnant now anyway it could probably kill me, so everything has to be on hold for now.
I also have run out of my thyroid meds and my migraine meds so I'm REALLY suffering right now. Doctors who were never really poor don't seem to get it. They think of they squeeze and squeeze you until you're near death or something they'll finally get some money but when there's NO money there's NO money, life or death, that's just the way it is. So meantime I'm really suffering. The pain I'm in is nearly intolerable, how sick I feel, the depression, everything, it's almost too much to handle.
Also we're carless. We have our old truck but I can't drive it. And it's a gas hog. So no-where we'll be going. We hope to find a junk car for around 500.00 for me to use. That's the plan anyway. And we'll have to use money from Tyler's new job for that, of course.
Also, Lacie has an appointment with a bone specialist at Primary Children's Medical Center. Thank Heavens she has Medicaid!!! She's seriously pidgeon-toed and her feet and legs are always hurting her. I remember that pain when I was growing up. I had to have braces and she will too, or surgery to correct it. Hopefully the braces will be good enough. She has a hard time and trips a lot, poor girl!!
Lacie starts school next week!!!! She's going to our local elementary school for Kindergarten and I'm SO excited!!! I'm also really sad. I've already cried a bit about her going and I just know that first day I'll be crying! My baby is growing up!!! She's getting so old now! :( At least I'll have 3 hours every day with just Sophie and I, so that's good. Sophie REQUIRES lots of one-on-one time. She's exactly like her daddy. Without constant mommy attention she's getting into lots of trouble, just like her daddy did (and still does if I'm not giving him lots of attention hahaha). It's not a bad thing, just requires lots of motherly love, and that's what God blessed us mothers with, right? :)
Okay, back to my awful migraine that will not go away and my awful cramps and sickness and BLAH lol!
PS I am happy, and I am positive, and I am counting my blessings and am very hopeful. I don't walk around all gloom and doom. Sorry if I seem to complain so much, I'm just open and honest and like to let those who care know what's going on so when you see me you'll know why I look so worn down, fat and miserable HAHAHAHA ;)
Okay so I've been waiting to write in here again for hopefully some good news for a change, but there's not been a LOT of that, but there is definitely new things that have happened.
The stress Tyler and I BOTH carry is so huge right now. Sophie has been very difficult to deal with and we're not sure if it's a phase or if it's more serious than that. She's been seeing a Child Psychologist and that's great. She's so good with Sophie and she gets to play the entire time. It's cute.
Still no job for Tyler. He's been applying for jobs EVERY SINGLE DAY and I've been looking for him and so have other people. I've been applying for jobs, too.
I did get a part-time job working for Women in Business Magazine selling advertising space. I've had NO luck with that whatsoever!! I've spent hours calling people and emailing people with nothing coming from it. My boss has encouraged me to go door-to-door but I just haven't been able to do that in this last week at all!
Well, y'all know that I have lots of health issues. Not one of them are made up or exaggerated as I KNOW that some people think they are. I don't lie about my health. I'm just not used to being unhealthy and fat. Think about that for a second, k? I grew up very healthy, energetic, super skinny and athletic and never took a break from all my activities. I was a go-getter and worked my butt off. Being sick, having surgery, being hurt, NOTHING slowed me down. Of course I'd bounce right back from that stuff cuz I was in such good and healthy shape.
Then I got pregnant with Sophie and that all came crashing down.
Having Gall Bladder Disease is different than gall stones or slush/mud or whatever in the gall bladder. It's a disease, not something brought on by poor eating habits or being overweight. I was underweight. Anyway, I had that while pregnant with Sophie. It made me very ill. I lost lots of weight. So I HAD to have it out during my pregnancy. After getting it out I developed a serious form of Acid Reflux Disease. Not just little bitty heart burn. Acid Reflux feels SO MUCH WORSE than heart burn!! Trust me, I know cuz I have both and always had heart burn.
Then my thyroid went south. Try going along life with a malfunctioning thyroid all of a sudden. It's a shock!!! It's still up and down like a yo-yo and it's very taxing. I'm losing all my hair and that's the least of the problems it's caused.
My health problems have been coming steadily since I carried Sophie. A broken hand, thumb, foot. Mono twice. Pneumonia. Daily migraines. Sleep Apnea. Now Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and my endometriosis is worse. You realize that endo. is messed up, right? It can cement your insides to each other and can be excruciatingly painful and debilitating. PCOS causes all sorts of problems!!! Anyway, the list is HUGE. Sure I don't have Diabetes or Cancer or Multiple Sclerosis, but you know what? I'd rather have ONE health problem like that than multiple ones like mine that hit me all at once!!!!
Plus the weight gain. Wow. Try gaining like 50 lbs in 3 years, people, on a small frame. It's very taxing and painful! It puts so much pressure and strain on your body. It's different than always having been heavy, ya know? My body is not used to this!!!
Sorry I complain so much. Just try to see where I'm coming from!!! All of this IN 3-4 YEARS!!!! It's VERY SUDDEN and a LOT to handle!!!
To top it off Tyler lost his job, I can't make hardly a penny to help out, we lost our car, we almost got evicted, we've been sued............ okay I can go on but you all have heard all that before. It's just been a lot!
I know those who haven't been through what we're going through can judge and say we brought it on ourselves or that we're doing something wrong.
NOT. Sorry to let you down, but it's nothing stupid we've done. I promise.
I prayed about all of these things we've been going through and Heavenly Father told me as plain as day that Tyler and I are BOTH REQUIRED to go through it. There's NO OTHER WAY. So that helps me to know that.
Okay, so all of this has been giving both Tyler and I major chest pains and headaches and migraines.
Tyler's chest pains were bad when he was in his EMT class so the paramedics said, "no screwing around where chest pain is" and sent him via ambulance to the Emergency Room!
So I get this phone call from a fairly calm Tyler saying they think he might be having a heart attack or something else and to come to him. He wanted me there. He didn't say to call anyone else. All I could think of was MY ETERNAL COMPANION WAS IN THE ER POSSIBLY DYING!!!!!!!! I'm NOT going to be thinking of anyone else except maybe mine and his parents.
Really sucky thing was his parents were in Idaho celebrating Joe's (Tyler's little brother) graduation from PA school. Which was totally narly!!!! But they couldn't be here!!
Anyway, I had NO way of getting to Tyler so I called my dad first to tell him and ask for a ride. Dad said to call Daniel cuz he was here in town near me so I called Daniel to get a ride. Then I called Tyler's dad. While Tyler and my dad were talking to me I was already on Facebook and so I felt impressed to write my status letting my friends and family know that way. There was NO WAY I was going to call his siblings or mine or our friends about this cuz I'm Tyler's number 1 and he's my number 1 and my first priority was to get myself to my husband's side. Well, I knew that our dads would let our siblings know, cuz that's just how that works out right?
Anyway, it took FOREVER for my bro to get to me!!!! I waited 45 minutes. I was such a wreck!!!!! I finally got to my husband's side and when he saw me he just teared up and I held him and we cried.
It was so scary and really shook us both up so much!!!!!
I was so glad that my parents and sister and two of tyler's siblings could get there to be with him while he waited for me.
Anyway, that was so taxing on me.
I mean I could've lost my husband of almost 7 years and my Eternal Companion and father of my children and my best friend!!!!!!! I was so upset!!!
Okay, so that happened.
Then just like two or three days later a very inconsiderate and VERY MISINFORMED AND GOSSIPED TO person told me basically that it was my fault that Tyler had those chest pains and told me to make sure it would never happen again.
OH MY GOSH I ABOUT DIED!!!!!!! I was SO SHOCKED and hurt and taken aback and disgusted. Wow. HOW COULD SOMEBODY SAY THAT TO SOMEONE??????????
I can only assume this person was greatly misinformed about how things run at my house AND it was NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!
They wouldn't even tell me what they were talking about... no details, no explanation, nothing. I'm still left guessing what they were getting at. I'm still bothered by it, and I shouldn't be! I should just forget it and let it go!!!
Well, with that weighing me down then having problems with me sharing about MY husband to my own family and friends (a couple people didn't like me talking about MY husband and publicly humiliated me) and then my husband being pressured by people....... WOW. It was way too much.
I hit my breaking point.
I really did.
Tyler is doing okay now. He still has some chest pain but it's not heart attack. He's undiagnosed for now. When we get insurance BOTH Tyler and I will be seeing my dad's cardiologist who is just EXCELLENT. Gary Symkoviak I think in SLC. Anyway, it's really expensive, but I've been told by my reg doc and other docs I see to get my heart checked ASAP. I just haven't because it costs so much!!! So we'll just have to wait.
Anyway, all of this was just too much. TOO MUCH!!!!
I haven't had a break or vacation in such a very long time. There hasn't been a break of breathing room or good news in such a long time for us that it's just been too much. Then on top of that I have all these people from a specific group that really despise me and blame me for everything and have no compassion, empathy, understanding, love, charity or anything for me and they just constantly go up and down with me and when it's down they really beat me!!!! It's more than anyone can take.
I'D HAD IT.
I hurried upstairs on Monday afternoon to cry where Tyler and the girls wouldn't hear me. But I'd also started having an asthma attack. I'm not sure if it was from allergies or from the stress/anxiety, but I have a feeling it was the latter.
The asthma made it very difficult to breath and so I hid my face in my bed to sob. I couldn't help it. I was more upset than I realized and I sobbed very hard and loudly so I tried to keep myself quiet. I don't cry very often. I feel pathetic when I do.
So while I was sobbing and trying to breath I kept coughing and coughing anc crying harder and harder. I got more and more upset. I'm sure the adversary was playing with me. Using others as tools to pull me down and using my own insecurities to make it all worse.
I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't stop!! It got worse and worse. I remember thinking "i can't breath! I can't get air in!" and I couldn't stop!! I tried but could not. I kept coughing and sobbing and gasping for air and felt trapped. I couldn't even move. I was seeing stars and black around my eyes and soooo weak and cold. I remember Sophie coming in and saying, as if I'd called for her, "What mommy?" I know that Heavenly Father sent her in to me to save me. She went and got daddy cuz suddenly Tyler had put me on my side. He was talking to me but I don't know what he was saying. I remember he asked me if I wanted him to call the paramedics and I shook my head NO! I did NOT want that attention or embarrassment!!! Esp after Tyler had already been hauled in the ambulance just a few days before!!
I remember Tyler helping me stand and walk. I couldn't hardly even move my own feet! It was so weird and hard! I felt weak, heavy, uncoordinated, and confused. He managed to get me to the ER and I guess a neighbor lady took the girls.
At the ER I remember a lady saying my name and looking me right in my face and forcing my eyes open. There was a mask on my face and it made it harder to breath and it was so hard! I couldn't even move my hands to take the mask off! I wanted it OFF my face! I was so cold and I remember the room was really bright. Then she was telling me to hold my breath. It was so hard!!! I would try but would cough instead. But I guess it did help. After what seemed like an Eternity my gasps of air weren't so strong and hard and I was soooooooooo tired!!!! I felt like I'd just run a marathon! And YES I know what it's like to run a very long distance, people. Remember I used to be in top notch shape and used to run very fast in very long distances.
Then I think I fell asleep. Then I remember seeing Tyler and I was okay. I could suddenly breath. I was just soo exhausted. Then the pain came.
It started in my neck, head and back. And then my legs, arms, then finally my chest then my lungs. WOW it hurt!! I was so sore I felt like I'd been beat up. I also realize at that time that I was soaking wet with sweat!! Yuck!
All I could do was apologize to Tyler over and over again. I felt like such a fool.
Tyler later told me that at home my respirations were at 84 a minute which is like what a newborn breaths. And my pulse was at 104. My heart was super racing. I couldn't even feel my heart during all of this so that surprised me.
Just try to breath in and out as fast as you possibly can and hard and that's what it was like. Then do that for AN HOUR STRAIGHT.
My blood pressure was 143/84 or something like that. VERY HIGH for me. I'm normally 115/72 or less. Over time these dropped, of course.
If I hadn't gotten control with the mask and trying to control it myself they would've intubated me and knocked me out to save my life.
Tyler said I was hanging by a thread pretty much. It was very serious.
So yeah, there you go. I had an adventure.
That let me know that I've reached my limit. Or hopefully I have or hopefully I haven't. I know that the Lord doesn't put us through more than we can handle, so I am just praying that things will start to work out for us now.
Now, one bit of possible really good news that we just got tonight!!
Tyler got a letter back from the University of Utah Cardiology Department saying that his resume and application have been submitted to the hiring department!!!!!!!!!!!!! So he is so close to getting the job!!!!! Of course they let him know that this can take weeks, but that's okay because our contract is up Oct 1 and if it all works out just right we could move up to SLC at that time if Tyler gets this job. WOW it would be sooooo wonderful!
This job is an on-call job but full time. Pretty narly, eh? He'd be an EKG Technician. (heart monitoring stuff).
You know what? I'm really soooo proud of my Tyler!!! I KNEW he had it in him!! And you know what also? If I'd gone to work full time and gone to school I don't know if he would've realized his strength and potential. We BOTH followed the spirit when it came to making these decisions. You know that in each family and marriage that choices they make are between the two and with God, not anybody else, and these are the decisions we made based on following the Spirit. It's been hard, but it's been worth it so far.
I am proud of both of us for remaining faithful in the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout all of this. Our faith has been greatly tried and we've been tempted and toyed with and ridiculed, rejected, backstabbed, hurt, attacked, and so on and so forth enough that I think it could've caused anybody to lose their faith and fall away. But our testimonies remain firm, we continue in faith, and that brings peace and happiness into our home. That brings strength to ride these currents that we could not have gained in any other way. I know this with all my heart!!
So there's our latest update as of now.
If any of you don't like what I write, too bad, cuz this is about MY PERSONAL EMMEDIATE FAMILY! lol
And I feel impressed to share our story, as personal as some of you may find it, I'm going to continue to follow impressions I receive, even if it includes posting updates on Facebook and Twitter, etc. lol
Anyway, I am so grateful for marrying Tyler. He's grown by leaps and bounds and has turned into such a strong and good man!!! He truly is my "knight in shining armour"!!! I try my best at supporting him in everything as he does for me. I let him pretty much do whatever he wants because I know he'll always make the righteous and smart choice. He's such a good man and has come through so much. I am so grateful for the Gospel and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The people are NOT PERFECT!!!!! But the church is, period. I know that the commandments and "rules" God gives us is for our good and if we follow them faithfully we'll be happy and feel fulfilled and satisfied. If we keep our faith and endure we are blessed and Christ literally helps carry our burdons so that they don't feel as heavy as they really are. I know that Christ is living and that he loves me and that he KNOWS my heart and what I'm going through. I know he's here for me. And I love how I was brought up in the truthfulness and shown the correct way to go. I am so happy for such righteous parents that follow the commandments and have NEVER fallen away. They are so amazing to me in that way. And I know we all owe it to their parents for raising them so well, and so on and so forth. I hope to do the same for my dear daughters that God has entrusted us with to teach the truth and show the way to.
Anyway, I know these things in my heart. And I know anybody can if they want to and if they seek for it.
Good night y'all. Have a good one, and if you feel so inclined, pray that Tyler gets this EKG Tech job at the U of U. It'd be such a relief!!!!!!!
Well, so, I'll give an update although I've been putting it off for a while waiting to put on here any GOOD news for a change.
Not much good has happened, quite honestly, but I'll try to note the positive things first, k? :)
Tyler's doing excellent in school. I'm so proud of him! He truly has found his niche. It's great. All the years of hard work and major struggling is paying off in his good grades. It's REALLY lifted his self esteem and confidence. My smart Tyler is really blooming and I ALWAYS knew it was in him! Sure some thought I was too hard on him, but I KNEW he was there. He just hesitated too much, doubted himself, etc. But now he has no need to doubt himself. He just is awesome. :)
I'm proud of myself for keeping my kitchen CLEAN! Yay! A clean kitchen makes me feel so happy. Oh, and I'm also now officially hired by my sweet sister-in-law Alicia to clean her house for her. She's pregnant and soooooo sick the poor girl!! She's quite the trooper and almost never complains but is just more sick than I think I could ever handle! I wish my bro would get his bum in gear and help her out more. I'm a little disappointed in his unhelpful attitude. I want to pay him a piece of my mind LOL. Perhaps he's suffering from depression. That I can understand.
I also got a part-time job!!! YAY!!!!!!! I guess that's really good news, eh?
I get 8 an hour with max 15 hours I can work a week. So far I've only been able to squeeze in 6 hours a week. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's hard to work when the girls are all around me and Tyler has to study for school and the house needs cleaning or the yard needs watering or I'm having a bad period (which is the case right now HAHAHA).
I am technically called the Marketing Director. It's for Women in Business Magazine. It's an excellent magazine and I need to sell advertisement spaces in it!! ANYBODY, PLEASE, ADVERTISE WITH THEM!! I get commission off of it and that's our only hope of help right now financially. Anyway, the prices are very reasonable and I can make almost any deals I want or discounts. It goes to 10,000 people in Utah County and it's a free magazine. It's mailed to them. So it's like one of the most effective ways to advertise. It's a great magazine. Even my mom likes it :). www.WBMagazine.org
Okay, so that's what I'm doing right now.
I just need to get out and go solicit business in the area and what-not. Anybody have businesses they know of that could be interested? You can just pass along the info and I won't tell them who sent it if you don't want me to.
Sophie's been sick the last couple of days. Fever, throwing up, being tired, all that. She just woke up now and it's 4am. UGH!! Tyler and I are both up. He was doing homework and I was catching up with things online.
I'm going to go see a Uro-Gyn. That's a specialist that's in Urology & Gynocology. I'm sooooo not happy to see a man AT ALL. I'm so against men doctors doing women things. It just really grosses me out and freaks me out so bad!!! I've had bad experiences with two docs so I have ligit reasons to be freaked out of them. I think they're all perverts. Period. You can't convince me otherwise so don't even try.
Okay, anyway, I'm going to see this guy cuz my midwives don't know what to do for me or my reg doc (who I can't see anymore anyway cuz I can't pay the man). I have been having MAJOR pain when I go potty. Like BAD pain. Like it feels like my insides are ripping out when I go. Perhaps it's just a really bad pulled muscle, but whatever it is it HURTS. I've been tested a couple of times and one time there was blood but no infection and another time infection and another time just minerals. Okay, I was tested 3 times lol. I can't count at 4 in the morning! :)
Anyway, then another thing that's kinda bothering me. Perhaps it's my diet, or my endometriosis is causing all of these problems, which is very likely, but I go from diarreah to constipation. And it's BAD. Like I cannot go at all and I sit there. And the stomach pain is sooo awful. SO bad. I feel soooo sick. The pain is a mixture between feeling like I have the stomach flu with diarreah pain to gas to cramps and to some other feeling I haven't felt before. So I have no idea what's going on.
I've been putting off telling anyone these problems just cuz I always have so many. And it's so tiring to hear about, I know.
I know a lot of people don't even care and are really calloused and like to think that they'd handle these problems better than I do so I just don't like talking about it sometimes cuz I don't want heartless, cold people around me to make fun of me (which I've been told happens when I write blogs). I want loving, supportive people.
But most importantly, I want ANSWERS and SOLUTIONS!!!
I'm really really really really tired of getting fatter and fatter and FATTER all the time!! And not just fatter, but everything else. My thyroid is screwing up again. It's going more and more hypo, AGAIN, and I'm getting harrier and harrier and losing all the hair on my head. I'm SOOOOOOO UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!
OH GREAT. Lacie just threw up right now!!!! oh man. WE DON'T EVER EVER GET A BREAK!!!!! It's over and over and over again. one thing after another.
you know I was praying about this CRAP that we go through and you know the answer I got? WE ARE REQUIRED TO GO THROUGH IT. Just like when you're required to take a final to get your final grade, or required to pay your taxes, or required to put gas in your car in order to drive it. Something like that. WE HAVE to go through this. So we just have to endure.
But Heavenly Father did not say we have to do it alone.
That's why we have family, and friends. And thanks to Heavenly Father we have some good family and LOTS of really good friends. :)
You can't pick the fam but you can pick your friends and sometimes you can pick some family to be your friends! hee hee. And we have. (we love you guys so much!).
So anyway, I didn't have a period for two months and was in LOTS of pain. I finally started my monthly joy last weekend (Friday I think) and it's still going strong. Like I'm talking having to change every single hour. It's AWFUL. Tyler wants me to go to the ER tomorrow cuz it's so bad. And it's not letting up. It's getting worse.
SOMEONE PLEASE FIX ME!!!!
*sigh*
I just feel like sobbing right now. I'm sooooo tired. Tired of everything.
One more thing. A nosey neighbor called the police on me.
Why?
Because they assumed I lock my girls outside and won't let them back into the house!!!!! Isn't that AWFUL???
I was sitting on my lawn chair when two cop cars pulled up and said a neighbor called and said I NEVER watch my kids and I ALWAYS lock them out and they'll be banging on the door crying to come in and I won't let them. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? I was SHOCKED. Either Tyler or I are ALWAYS out there with them!!!!
I was more than pissed. I was FURIOUS. So mad that I went to two separate neighbors to ask if they called. Of course both said no.
But Tyler's 100% sure it was the ones across the street. Nosey people that they are. I am soooo mad about this and so is Tyler so we're not letting our girls play with that kid of theirs anymore unless we can see everything that's going on. This mother across the street told Lacie that I should be watching her and not Tyler.
I mean I had to give Sophie a bath cuz she peed her panties and that was FIVE MINUTES and Lacie went back outside and she called the cops. OH MY GOSH.
I HATE this place. :(
The cops were embarrassed to have been called out. They said it was a waste of their time but the have to when someone calls, esp about children. They saw me sitting out there watching my girls and were like, "uh, you obviously are watching your kids". DUH you think? lol
Okay, there's the latest update.
I hope I figure out what the heck is wrong with me before I get too heavy that I'll need bipass surgery and have heart disease and not be able to have any more kids and have a body of a 50 or 60 yr old instead of the 30 yr old. Cuz frankly what I'm going through shouldn't be happening to someone as young as I am.
Oh, it's my birthday next week. I'm going to be so old lol. At least I FEEL super old. (read above for why that is).
I want something pleasant and nice and sweet to surprise me on my birthday. Anything to cheer me up!!! :(
So I didn't get the job at Convergys. Tyler and I both had a feeling that it wouldn't happen. I gave it my best and my all, but they chose another candidate. I just don't have Excel 100% down. I think I sucked on that part of the test lol.
Tyler's also been turned down for a LOT of jobs he's applied for. We've both applied for countless jobs already!! They all want SPECIFIC skills and stuff and some of it was just do not have. And the skills we do have the job had just been filled! Just bad timing.
So we are having a yard sale tomorrow at our place. We're selling our entire bedroom set, dining set, some shelves, a TV stand, a crib, clothes, vases, magnet board I made (it's so nice. I'll miss it), a printer, DVD rack that cost a lot, an amp, and more! I just think this is absolutely necessary. We have no other choice.
Even if either of us or both of us got a job right now it wouldn't be in time to pay the 1200.00 our bank wants. They'll repossess our truck next week and then sue us for everything we have, they said.
We really are in a bad spot. I know some people just don't believe that or realize that. It's the worst I've ever seen personally, at one time.
No money for food or gas, no money for phones, utilities, rent, internet, NOTHING. We HAVE to have internet for Tyler's school. And Tyler quitting school right now is NOT an option. He's on the Dean's List and is doing so well! With this schooling he'll be able to get valuable certificates to hopefully work at a hospital or doctor's office soon. That's his goal, anyway.
Getting a job that pays more than State benefits allow will screw us!! The only way we can survive is if Tyler or I are making a lot more than what we were making before. People don't seem to understand that.
They really don't.
We have THOUSANDS of dollars in medical debt that they all want paid immediately!! We've been sued FOUR TIMES in a month's time!!! Threatened to be sued two more times right now. 1 by the bank. The other Mountainland Collections. So yeah. We can't do it. We just can't.
Here's what we've been hoping for and planning for and working for:
Tyler and I are looking for part-time jobs for both of us. Not paying too much so that we can still get State benefits. It seems the wisest route for us for right now. Then we'll get on Housing (Section 8) in about 8-18 months. That'll help sooo much! Tyler will get certificates in 2-4 months that'll help him get a better job.
We're going to go to his school and speak with Financial Aid and see if we can't get more student loans to pay for our medical debt. We really don't know what else to do. Like paying 50.00 a month to like 25 different places is a LOT of money, ya know? But that's what they all want, or full payment, or they'll sue us. Get it?
Our bishop is offering absolutely NO help at all. Not for food or anything. I think he has the wrong opinion of us so we're going to meet with him on Sunday and explain to him EXACTLY what's going on.
I'm really tired of being misunderstood and misjudged by people who should understand.
You take one look at our situation and you automatically think, "they must be doing something wrong or did something wrong".
People have looked at my parents this same way.
It's just not right, period.
Some people CANNOT help their situation, no matter what!
Anyway, we're doing the best we can to better our circumstances and working hard to get ourselves into a better circumstance. I know there are MANY who are in much better circumstances than our own and what they're doing is more important than what we need. And still people judge others who struggle, like us.
"For behold, ye do love money and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted"
-Mormon 8:37
"But wo unto the rich, who are rich as to the things of the world. For because they are rich they despise the poor, and they persecute the meek, and their hearts are upon their treasures; wherefore, their treasure is their god. And behold, their treasure shall perish with them also."
-2 Nephi 9:30
"And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you - that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sings from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God - I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants."
-Mosiah 4:26
AND THEN THE MOST POINTED, STRONG AND UNMISTAKABLE SCRIPTURES OF ALL on this subject:
"And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
"PERHAPS THOU SHALT SAY: THE MAN HAS BROUGHT UPON HIMSELF HIS MISERY; THEREFORE I WILL STAY MY HAND, AND WILL NOT GIVE UNTO HIM OF MY FOOD, NOR IMPART UNTO HIM OF MY SUBSTANCE THAT HE MAY NOT SUFFER, FOR HIS PUNISHMENTS ARE JUST -
"But I say unto you, O man, whosever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdon of God.
"For behold, ARE WE NOT ALL BEGGARS? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and gold, and for silver, and for all the riches we have of every kind?
"And now, if God, who has created you, ON WHOM YOU ARE DEPENDENT FOR YOUR LIVES AND FOR ALL THAT YE HAVE AND ARE, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.
"AND IF YE JUDGE THE MAN WHO PUTTETH UP HIS PETITION TO YOU FOR YOUR SUBSTANCE TAHT HE PERISH NOT, AND CONDEMN HIM, HOW MUCH MORE JUST WILL BE YOUR CONDEMNATION FOR WITHHOLDING YOUR SUBSTANCE, WHICH DOTH NOT BELONG TO YOU BUT TO GOD, TO WHOM ALSO YOUR LIFE BELONGETH; AND YET YE PUT UP NO PETITION, NOR REPENT OF THE THING WHICH THOU HAST DONE.
"I say unto you, wo be unto that man, for his substance shall perish with him; and now, I say these things unto those who are rich as pertaining to the things of this world."
Mosiah 4:16-19, 21-23
These are scriptures from God. I don't care what or who you believe in, these are true and good things that we should follow.
I know I was raised to believe and feel this way, especially since I was raised in such a poor home with caring parents who did everything they could to provide for us.
I was also shown what it's like to have very rich people surround me and my family who will not help except conditionally. They loan things. And then expect repayment and sometimes even with interest attached. How is that charitable? How is that what Heavenly Father would want for us to do to each other? How can you feel right about doing that, especially if it's family??
How can you watch people suffer so much and say "it's their fault, they shouldn't have boughten that car" or "they did it to themselves, she should've been working to help instead of staying home with their children, so it's their fault" or "they just want attention and an easy way out" or "they're only going to go spend it on something stupid, like go out to eat or alcohol or to pay for that new couch they have".
How do you KNOW that?
And it's not up to you to judge to whom your money goes to with all these conditions. If someone NEEDS it GIVE IT!!
I hate hearing people, especially Christian's, say, "That beggar is a worthless SOB. He's just a lazy drunk and probably makes more than I do" and then walk on by him and ignore him while he sits in the dirty street with a sign or a cup, imploring our help.
My husband and I, and my family, have always been charitable to give to others, even if it's all we had in our pockets to give, we still give it. We know what it's like to be poor and needy! We're here right now!!!
I also remember that story from the Bible that says that lady who gave her two coins and it was ALL she had. It was worth far less than what others were giving, but to God it was worth waaaaay more than what the others were giving because it was all she had!! The other wealthier people only gave some change pretty much, in comparison to their incomes or posessions.
You know, until you know exactly what is going on in people's lives and with their circumstances and especially what's in their hearts and minds, then don't judge them! Don't think or say to yourself that they deserve it or ask for it or NEED it or this is "their learning time" and leave them alone thinking they'll work it out or they deserve it for their choices they've made or whatever!!!
How do you justify that?
Anyway, there you go. I have much deeper thoughts about this and can be sooo much bolder with it in my opinions and thoughts.
I've seen too much to be ignorant on this topic.
okay, back to our life.
Here's to hoping God has mercy on us before we end up homeless.
Okay so Tyler and I are looking for jobs in Boise and Utah Counties and even in Oregon right now. Depends on where his school is that will determine where we go, though.
Also, we are selling all the furniture we possibly can! We are keeping my couch and chair I inherited from my grandma (love them, don't want other old, used ones) but our whole bedroom set is going, our dining set, maybe our desk, maybe our TV Armoire, all of it. We'll see, though. It's really, really hard to sell in Utah because people here are super DIRT CHEAP!! I HATE that. Especially in Utah County!
So we have to sell everything so that we can pay our bank that's going to sue us and take our truck, our only mode of transportation that we have.
If either of us got a job RIGHT NOW it wouldn't be enough to pay these debts to keep them from taking our truck. They want 1200.00 RIGHT NOW. It's stressful sick. And not fair.
People don't care if you lost your job or if you're sick or anything. They want their money. I have a hard time with people who want their money when they don't NEED it like we and others do.
We don't even have our own house and have lived in crappy, tiny places with our two kids for 6 years!! Our money situation hasn't gotten better but worse, and it's not from us spending money, it's from us LIVING and not having perfect bodies!
We got into debt in the first place to buy gasoline, food, rent, utilities, insurance, etc., and from going to doctors after doctors, surgeries, you name it! It wasn't from us going and getting nice things unless we paid CASH for those things.
So here we are.... what do we do?
Right now we want to get away from this place and from some people. We want to be our own family unit, hence one of the reasons why we want to move AWAY. We also want to be able to get into a place that we fit in and better serves our family's needs and in Ogden, Logan & Boise the housing is more affordable.
So, we'll see what happens and see what options we have.
Right now we've applied for all sorts of State assistance. It's all we can do! Housing, Food Stamps, Medicaid, WIC, HEAT, etc. We've been applying for jobs night and day, running from office to office, appointment to appointment, and since we don't have ink for our printer we have to drive to Lehi to use my dad's printer and computer to get paperwork from offline or from our laptop then drive to Department of Workforce Services to fax it (by 5pm of course) and then hurry home so that Tyler can get to school that he's not paying for.
It's keeping us very busy.
Meantime we don't get much understanding from people, still. It's really annoying and calloused of them and so we just don't really want to be around these people. Can you blame us? If you do you're one of them lol.
Here is another option. I work until I get pregnant or have a baby. It will only be part-time because I CANNOT leave my children allll day long if I can help it, esp since Tyler has to get to school at a certain time every night. Or, he can work part-time during the day until he can get a job doing something medical with upcoming certificates he's close to getting. Or, I'll work until he gets a job. So yeah, we'll see. I have an interview tomorrow and the next day. Do NOT want to work at either place. I know I'll be miserable cuz they're desk jobs, but a job is a job and knowing I don't have to keep it forever gives me some peace and hope.
So things just don't seem to be looking up any time soon. I say everything happens for a reason and something's bound to give, but right now we're right smack dab in the middle of a deep, black puddle of tar, I swear!
Not only have we lost our car but the bank called Tyler today and said if we don't pay 1200.00 by the end of this month then the truck is getting repossessed, too!!! And we have NO INCOME.
They said we HAVE to pay 600.00 by the 16th. That's only a few measly days away.
We have no money for food or gasoline now. That last of our tax return went to PART of our utilities so they wouldn't shut it off on Monday (today is Wednesday) and our one utility bill covers everything in our apartment. There is no gas or furnace.
We just put 500.00 into the truck with our tax return so that it can keep on running (the exhaust was broke) and so it'll pass inspections later for registration.
The only extra money we spent was for the hotel for our Anniversary (and that was cheap-ish. Cheap as we could find without going to stay at a place dumpier than our own) and Guitar Hero and that wasn't even 100.00. So that's it. Oh, and out to dinner for our Anniversary. But all the rest of it went to bills! It hardly even made a dent. I cannot believe it. Should we have filed for Bankruptcy instead? I just think of the long-term consequences to bankruptcy and it just seems so foolish to me.
Our landlord said she'd work with us as best as she can but she is a stickler for rent being paid on time.
We've both been applying for jobs all over. Me more than Tyler. He's depressed and so doesn't really want to get a job yet. That kinda ticks me off. It's not improving our situation to put off the inevidable. Also we haven't been paying for his schooling so I'm afraid they'll kick him out even though he's on the Dean's List!!
Right now I'm so nauseated with stress and discouragement and depression and anger and jealousy and not understanding that yeah, I'm sick. I feel like I'm going to puke any minute!
I also got my CPAP machine today and they wanted over 100.00 right then!! I have to pay 280.00 for it within the next two months. Oh my gosh I have no idea how we're going to do that!!
My only hope right now is working my Mary Kay. Unfortunately most my friends and family aren't interested in buying any from me, even if it would help us out hugely. They'd rather buy from someone else or buy more expensive make up elsewhere or from Walmart. Whatever.
If you all are annoyed by this post then just ignore it and stop being annoyed by me sharing my concerns and worries and thoughts and feelings on here. Just go away if you're not going to be supportive. I don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY who is not going to be supportive of us right now. I do not have the energy or tolerance or patience or even strength to cope with people who are negative, especially towards us or anything about us.
God, where is the pavilian that covereth they hiding place?
