I LOVE Easter & General Conference!!! (Missing Tyler, Feeling Overwhelmed).

I am happy that Easter is here. It's one of my most favorite holidays. I love the bright and happy pastel colors. I love the egg-hunting and candy, of course, and the new dresses and dressing up all pretty. But the part that I love the absolute most is that it's Christ's true birthday and his Resurrection. It reminds me of Springtime, renewal, a new year, life, beauty, and a happy, bright, celestial place. It's the exact opposite of Halloween, and what's funny about that for me is that Halloween is tied with Easter for me with favorite holiday!! haha. Next comes Christmas for me. I know, I'm weird. :) lol
Before Tyler left he and I picked out the girl's Easter dresses, shoes, and hair stuff so I can make their hair things like I did last year and I think the year before, too. I love making things, I feel so proud of my creations when they're done, especially when they're for my loved ones, whoever they may be.
It's also my friend's deceiced baby's 4th birthday today, too. I sure miss that little Angel! She'd sure cheer me up right now, and I could sure use it! I miss you Allie! Happy Birthday!

I'm feeling so sad tonight. I think it's so much harder because it's General Conference weekend and my favorite holiday weekend and Tyler and I always love this time of year and have a lot of fun together. It's like missing Christmas for me not having him here.
It's been 2 weeks now!!! Oh man I miss him, my heart aches. I've been a little emotional today. Luckily no out-of-control crying or anything, but Sophie could tell I was sad. She's very intuitive like that. She told me if I cry in the car then she'll sing a happy song to help me feel better. It was really sweet.
Listening to Elder Holland's talk in the afternoon really kicked off the emotion for me. It was about our sacred relationships with our spouses, staying away from porn, and running away from enticing and tempting situations that could potentially harm our relationships. If we have a relationship with the opposite sex that coule be even remotely inappropriate or even viewed as such we should sever that emmediately, etc., etc. I don't have issues like that, thank Heavens! I view my marriage with Tyler as highly sacred and special and I work very hard at it every day. I work very hard at making him happy and satisfied, loved, appreciated, uplifted, encouraged, accepted, and more. I work very hard at keeping the Covenants I've made with him and God every day, and I try my best not to disappoint either Tyler or God. I know I'm not perfect, and I need the Atonment just as much as everyone else does, but I know that I've done my best.
Knowing all this makes it that much harder being away from Tyler. It almost feels like a punishment being separated from him, and I know it's not from anything I've done wrong, so it's not a punishment of course, it's just a very hard requirement to go through.

Right now I'm watching Super Nanny while I put together the girl's Easter stuff. Might as well be doing something productive while doing something else productive, eh? haha. I'm totally multi-tasking, as mothers have to learn to do! Writing a blog, watching a beneficial show, and making things for my daughters. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, huh?

I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. I know that wives go without their husbands quite frequently, but how many of them have to go through every single item they own and either shred it, throw it out or give it away, or inventory it and organize it within a set time, plus keep the house clean, take care of kids, school and school work, and everything else mothers already have to do, plus replace daddy? UGH!! I can handle the basic stuff, better than I realized I could, but I have not been able to even crack open one box or open a closet to start the necessary sorting. I DO need help from anybody who is willing to give it! I cannot do everything, it's impossible. I wish that I had more support/help from others. My two sisters-in-laws, Andrea & Alicia, have been WONDERFUL. Alicia keeps me happily preocuppied to not be able to dwell on missing Tyler and Andrea takes wonderful care and love of my children while I do things I can't take my kids with me to. Thank you to both of you, if you read this!! Know I'll do the same for you any day!

Anyway, right now I'm praying that we can move out of this place. My landlady is not very honest and it's disappointing. Our neighborhood isn't safe and there's nobody for my kids to play with but either out-of-control children who are neglected and their parents are druggies and partiers, or children who, well, I won't say here. It's just not a good situation. But we've hardly been home anyway since Tyler's been gone, so I guess that doesn't matter right now. I do have a good babysitter for my children and the girls love it there, especially Lacie. I'm very happy for that.
Okay, I'm tired. Gotta get back to my project.
Good night, and please pray for us and Tyler.

When It Rains It Pours

So things just don't seem to be looking up any time soon. I say everything happens for a reason and something's bound to give, but right now we're right smack dab in the middle of a deep, black puddle of tar, I swear!
Not only have we lost our car but the bank called Tyler today and said if we don't pay 1200.00 by the end of this month then the truck is getting repossessed, too!!! And we have NO INCOME.
They said we HAVE to pay 600.00 by the 16th. That's only a few measly days away.
We have no money for food or gasoline now. That last of our tax return went to PART of our utilities so they wouldn't shut it off on Monday (today is Wednesday) and our one utility bill covers everything in our apartment. There is no gas or furnace.
We just put 500.00 into the truck with our tax return so that it can keep on running (the exhaust was broke) and so it'll pass inspections later for registration.
The only extra money we spent was for the hotel for our Anniversary (and that was cheap-ish. Cheap as we could find without going to stay at a place dumpier than our own) and Guitar Hero and that wasn't even 100.00. So that's it. Oh, and out to dinner for our Anniversary. But all the rest of it went to bills! It hardly even made a dent. I cannot believe it. Should we have filed for Bankruptcy instead? I just think of the long-term consequences to bankruptcy and it just seems so foolish to me.
Our landlord said she'd work with us as best as she can but she is a stickler for rent being paid on time.
We've both been applying for jobs all over. Me more than Tyler. He's depressed and so doesn't really want to get a job yet. That kinda ticks me off. It's not improving our situation to put off the inevidable. Also we haven't been paying for his schooling so I'm afraid they'll kick him out even though he's on the Dean's List!!
Right now I'm so nauseated with stress and discouragement and depression and anger and jealousy and not understanding that yeah, I'm sick. I feel like I'm going to puke any minute!
I also got my CPAP machine today and they wanted over 100.00 right then!! I have to pay 280.00 for it within the next two months. Oh my gosh I have no idea how we're going to do that!!

My only hope right now is working my Mary Kay. Unfortunately most my friends and family aren't interested in buying any from me, even if it would help us out hugely. They'd rather buy from someone else or buy more expensive make up elsewhere or from Walmart. Whatever.

If you all are annoyed by this post then just ignore it and stop being annoyed by me sharing my concerns and worries and thoughts and feelings on here. Just go away if you're not going to be supportive. I don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY who is not going to be supportive of us right now. I do not have the energy or tolerance or patience or even strength to cope with people who are negative, especially towards us or anything about us.

God, where is the pavilian that covereth they hiding place?

Pray for change or pray for strength?

So lately a realization hit me. Tyler and I have been through a lot since before we got married and are still going through some really hard times. I've always prayed that my problems would go away or change or something would make the problems better or something like that. I was always thinking, "God never answers my prayers!!!" I got mad and blamed God and even started to doubt him and even his existence.

Well, in the last few weeks, or months I guess, actually, I changed my prayers for the most part to include something like this instead: "Please bless me with the strength, faith and encouragement to withstand these hard times"... etc. I don't repeat all my prayers. They're not memorized. I pray with my heart and mean every word I say.

So instead of praying for something to go away or change, I prayed for strength to deal with what I had to go through. Well, I shouldn't have to say this but I will anyway, it worked!
I have been at more peace and a lot happier since I've started praying like this.

I recently lost one of my best friends. I feel completely used by her and taken advantage of. I cried myself to sleep a few nights and couldn't sleep the rest of the time, even woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep cuz I was just so upset over the entire ordeal.

I was super upset about all of this. So finally I prayed and asked Heavenly Father if he would help me shoulder this heartache. I knew I couldn't change any of it. I did the absolute best thing I could do to rectify and clear things up, but relationships never work if both people aren't willing to give their all to it. So I knew I had to go through this. And also to learn a lesson or two, or twenty, so instead I prayed for strength to go through it. Well, the next morning I woke up happy, refreshed, and not feeling all depressed or feeling any despair! I felt good!

I've found that instead of trying to get God to feel sorry for me and change my circumstances and praying for strength and faith to withstand or remain strong then my prayers are answered!!!
It makes me happy to know God IS THERE!!!!!! He DOES listen!!!!!

He CANNOT take choices away from people. So people will always be bad and mean, people will always be selfish and hurtful, people will always lie and steal, kill and abuse. People will always have their own choices to do whatever the heck they want!! So that will always directly or indirectly affect us.

Our own choices determine to an enormous extent the situations in which we find ourselves on a daily basis and they change the course of our lifetime all the time! So... God CANNOT take these choices away from us or anyone else. But what he CAN do is give us the strength to get through them!

He can "carry our crosses", so to speak, through all the hard times we have.
I mean, that's one of the blessings WE ALL HAVE thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I love my Heavenly Father.... but I'm sure not even close as much as he loves me!!!!