I LOVE Easter & General Conference!!! (Missing Tyler, Feeling Overwhelmed).

I am happy that Easter is here. It's one of my most favorite holidays. I love the bright and happy pastel colors. I love the egg-hunting and candy, of course, and the new dresses and dressing up all pretty. But the part that I love the absolute most is that it's Christ's true birthday and his Resurrection. It reminds me of Springtime, renewal, a new year, life, beauty, and a happy, bright, celestial place. It's the exact opposite of Halloween, and what's funny about that for me is that Halloween is tied with Easter for me with favorite holiday!! haha. Next comes Christmas for me. I know, I'm weird. :) lol
Before Tyler left he and I picked out the girl's Easter dresses, shoes, and hair stuff so I can make their hair things like I did last year and I think the year before, too. I love making things, I feel so proud of my creations when they're done, especially when they're for my loved ones, whoever they may be.
It's also my friend's deceiced baby's 4th birthday today, too. I sure miss that little Angel! She'd sure cheer me up right now, and I could sure use it! I miss you Allie! Happy Birthday!

I'm feeling so sad tonight. I think it's so much harder because it's General Conference weekend and my favorite holiday weekend and Tyler and I always love this time of year and have a lot of fun together. It's like missing Christmas for me not having him here.
It's been 2 weeks now!!! Oh man I miss him, my heart aches. I've been a little emotional today. Luckily no out-of-control crying or anything, but Sophie could tell I was sad. She's very intuitive like that. She told me if I cry in the car then she'll sing a happy song to help me feel better. It was really sweet.
Listening to Elder Holland's talk in the afternoon really kicked off the emotion for me. It was about our sacred relationships with our spouses, staying away from porn, and running away from enticing and tempting situations that could potentially harm our relationships. If we have a relationship with the opposite sex that coule be even remotely inappropriate or even viewed as such we should sever that emmediately, etc., etc. I don't have issues like that, thank Heavens! I view my marriage with Tyler as highly sacred and special and I work very hard at it every day. I work very hard at making him happy and satisfied, loved, appreciated, uplifted, encouraged, accepted, and more. I work very hard at keeping the Covenants I've made with him and God every day, and I try my best not to disappoint either Tyler or God. I know I'm not perfect, and I need the Atonment just as much as everyone else does, but I know that I've done my best.
Knowing all this makes it that much harder being away from Tyler. It almost feels like a punishment being separated from him, and I know it's not from anything I've done wrong, so it's not a punishment of course, it's just a very hard requirement to go through.

Right now I'm watching Super Nanny while I put together the girl's Easter stuff. Might as well be doing something productive while doing something else productive, eh? haha. I'm totally multi-tasking, as mothers have to learn to do! Writing a blog, watching a beneficial show, and making things for my daughters. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, huh?

I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. I know that wives go without their husbands quite frequently, but how many of them have to go through every single item they own and either shred it, throw it out or give it away, or inventory it and organize it within a set time, plus keep the house clean, take care of kids, school and school work, and everything else mothers already have to do, plus replace daddy? UGH!! I can handle the basic stuff, better than I realized I could, but I have not been able to even crack open one box or open a closet to start the necessary sorting. I DO need help from anybody who is willing to give it! I cannot do everything, it's impossible. I wish that I had more support/help from others. My two sisters-in-laws, Andrea & Alicia, have been WONDERFUL. Alicia keeps me happily preocuppied to not be able to dwell on missing Tyler and Andrea takes wonderful care and love of my children while I do things I can't take my kids with me to. Thank you to both of you, if you read this!! Know I'll do the same for you any day!

Anyway, right now I'm praying that we can move out of this place. My landlady is not very honest and it's disappointing. Our neighborhood isn't safe and there's nobody for my kids to play with but either out-of-control children who are neglected and their parents are druggies and partiers, or children who, well, I won't say here. It's just not a good situation. But we've hardly been home anyway since Tyler's been gone, so I guess that doesn't matter right now. I do have a good babysitter for my children and the girls love it there, especially Lacie. I'm very happy for that.
Okay, I'm tired. Gotta get back to my project.
Good night, and please pray for us and Tyler.

Missing Him Terribly

I am missing Tyler right now so much it hurts and makes me feel physically ill. Crying so much today is making me so tired I'm feeling exhausted. It hit me like a storm last night and it hasn't subsided since.
I guess the initial shock is wearing off.
I know Sophie is hardly parting from her pacifier and "silky". I've never seen her dependent on them so much. She misses her daddy's tickling and kissing and cuddling. He was so sweet to her and Lacie. I cannot be their dad, too, as hard as I try.
I'm finding nearly no time for myself at all. I'm being drowned by homework and assignments due, housework, Lacie's schoolwork and projects, doctor visits for Sophie's broken foot, cooking, bills and budget, and people pulling me this way and that.
I can keep busy because I have no other option right now, not really, and even though I'm busy I cry right through what I'm doing.
It's not just that he's been gone for nearing two weeks now and this is the FIRST TIME we've been apart like this in over 7 years, but knowing he's going to be gone HALF A YEAR!!!!
I hurt remembering his voice and crying over the phone when he got to call me on Monday. That was incredible that I heard from him. But I knew I would. I felt he would be calling me. He told me he'd sent a letter as well but I have yet to see it and I'm hardly holding myself still while waiting for the mail lady every day. I can't wait to get his address so I can send him his 20 page letter I've hand-written for him and the Easter cards the girls and I made for him. I know he's anxious to get it and I don't blame him in the least. He's having a really hard time, too.
I don't think people understand how close Tyler and I are. I know we haven't had the most perfect marriage or lives, but we are truly best friends and are sealed for Eternity and we know and feel this together. It's hard being without him so suddenly when we were together nearly 24/7 before because he and I didn't have jobs. It's a huge shock and a huge adjustment.
When Tyler called I told him how proud I am of him and how much I love him and think of him every minute of every day and this brought a big emotional response from him that I didn't anticipate. I'm praying so hard for him, and so are the girls.
I wish that someone could help me around the house and playing with the girls. I'm so swamped and I'm not being able to do everything I need to do. I'm so stressed. No income at all, no unemployment, nothing. I have 100.00 to last for all of April. That's my gasoline alone, not including food, utilities, co-pays, medicine, rent, bills, and everything else. I need a miracle, or several.
I have a few good friends giving me emotional support right now that I desperately need and appreciate, but it seems like my ward and most family have dropped off the face of the planet. I know people think that their distance from me is for my own good, but isn't that up to Heavenly Father to decide? Why keep your compassion and charity from someone who needs it when that's not your call to make?
I'm not mad or bitter, just overwhelmed, sad, lonely, surprised.
Well, now I better go shower while Lacie's in school since I haven't even had the chance to do that for myself in 3 days!!

Lacie's First Day of School!!!!!!!

Lacie's first day of Kindergarten!!
She's been SO excited!!! August 27th, 2009

Here is her class and her teacher Mrs Vitters getting started as us parents slowly wandered out of the room. (right picture).

Lacie is sitting next to Kioni and says bye-bye to mommy on her first day! (left picture).

Here is Lacie with one of her friends, Kioni. They were so happy to be in the same class! (middle picture).

Lacie putting her backpack away. (right).

She got her name tag! (left).

Here she is waiting to go into her classroom. She was so excited! And I thought she looked so darling! I love her little outfit. (middle).

Here is Lacie standing in front of her school, Windsor Elementary.

So my baby is no longer a baby!! She's already 5 1/2 and going to school!! We had wanted her in a Charter School and ESPECIALLY after I visited the charter school that accepted her on the 25th (a week after they'd already started) and then visited the regular public school it became obviously apparent that the Charter School would be the best place for Lacie because she'd learn so much more and thrive so much better.
But, unfortunately, we have no car and so I have NO WAY to get her to the Charter School! I've cried over it, honestly, because I want the best for Lacie and I feel like I've let her down. Now the school she's going to is one of the best in the valley, so I've heard, so I'm okay with that. I'm happy with that, actually.
Tyler and I had made it a matter of prayer of where Lacie should go to school whether it was public or homeschool and honestly and surprisingly to me we both felt that public was the right choice for her. It may just be Lacie that goes to public, or it may just be this year, but I don't know yet. I guess we'll see what the Lord has planned for my baby Lacie.
I walked Lacie to school and when the crossing guard blocked traffic for just Lacie and I and she smiled huge at Lacie and said, "have a good day!", I started to cry!! Lacie, of course, was gabbing my head off the entire walk and I had a hard time answering her because I was so emotional. I didn't want her to know I was crying. I managed to hide it. I didn't want her to think I was sad and upset her. So anyway, yes I've cried a few times already!
Then when she got out of school Tyler, Sophie & I walked back to get her. We'll be walking her to and from school every day until we have to move, which will probably be sooner than we want.

Lacie broke her arm!!!!!!!

My poor little Lacie (the 5 yr old) broke her arm!!! This is the SECOND time
but on the OTHER arm! The first time was due to her daddy pushing her in the
Home Depot parking lot at top speed while she stood in the basket (against her
mother's wishes) instead of being seat belted in! Tyler took a corner a bit
too fast and Lacie went flying out of the cart, head first, onto the black top.
She suffered a severe concussion and broke both bones in her left fore-arm. Like
a BAD break! Luckily the bones didn't come out the skin, but her arm was like
jello! She didn't cry a single tear! So, tonight we'd gotten back from
Kadie & Tony's after having loads of fun watching the first Tomb Raider and
watching the guys play their Gran Turismo 4 game on the PS2, eating a delicious
dinner made by Kadie and eating some disgusting donuts brought by me, and got
the girls in their jammies and we were about ready to say family prayer when the
girls got wild and ran upstairs and started jumping on our bed (that's a no-no)
and giggling and laughing hysterically while Tyler and I talked downstairs for a
couple minutes about his history test he was about ready to start when we both
heard this loud BANG and then a few moments later a very freaked out and
panicked cry from Lacie. "Uh oh! That doesn't sound good!" So Tyler ran up there
and I walked (there's LOTS & LOTS of drama in this house with three girls
hee hee so I didn't realize it was an emergency) and Lacie was crying more from
being frustrated that we weren't up there right when it happened. She accused
me, while sitting at the top of the stairs cradling her right arm, "mom! You
were supposed to be there to catch me when I fell!!" Isn't that just the most
ironic and saddest thing?? Aren't parents supposed to be there when we fall
to catch us? That's what parents are for, right? No, I'm NOT feeling guilty cuz
it was totally not my fault, but I sure thought about that a little when she
said that. Anyway, I felt soooo bad!! She said, "I broke it! I broke my arm!
I broke the bones inside of my arm". I held her arm and her hand and they were
very loose and weak and wobbly. I KNEW it was broken just by the feel of it.
Last time she broke her arm (when she was 2 1/2) I had to hold her broken arm
then and it was grotesque!! But I know the feeling of a broken bone and I knew
it was this time, too. I held her in the car (I know that's a big no-no, too)
and we hurried to Orem Community Hospital ER with poor Sophie crying in her
carseat the entire time. She was totally confused and freaked out, poor little
thing! I called my parents and they and Josh hurried down from Lehi where
they met us in our ER room. Now get this. Lacie was perfectly CALM. She was just
fine! No crying, totally collected and reasonable and talkative, even started to
move her arm and hand around a bit and wiggle her fingers. The nurse-chick comes
in to check her. Now if any of you have ever brought your kids to the
doctor's or the ER for stuff like this they HAVE to check for signs of abuse. I
am so glad they do this!! There are so many reported cases of children coming in
with broken bones and bruises and the parents try to hit it off as some stupid
freak child accident when in fact THEY did it to their own children!! Pisses me
off royally! So they checked all her bones for any other possible breaks,
checked her head since she did bang that pretty hard on the wall, checked the
back of her neck in case she hurt it from banging her head, and checked for
bruises and for a fever. She DOES have a fever. 100.6! So they tested her
for strep. Luckily she got over that, but we figure she has the flu cuz the when
the nurse asked where she hurt she said EVERYWHERE! hahaha. When the nurse
asked her how bad her pain was and showed her little smiley-face pictures for
kids to see Lacie pointed at the #10 one!! Well, outwardly there was NOOOOO WAY
of knowing she hurt that bad!!! But she was pretty darn adament about that #10
being her worst pain! So, the nurse was thinking Lacie was being dramatic,
my parents did, and Tyler and I wondered, too, because she really CAN
be. They all decided they didn't think it was broken. They ordered x-rays
and she got pushed in a wheel chair. When the x rays were all done (she held
perfectly still) the radiologist had this little smile on his face and didn't
say a word. I was like, "hmmm". Then the doc came in before he saw the x rays
and evaluated her himself and said he didn't think it was broken because she was
acting like everything was just honkey-dorey, besides saying where it hurt. Then
he went out and looked at the x rays and came back in. His face!!
hahaha! He was completely shocked!! He said, "well, she's right! She knows
it's broken because it is!" She broke BOTH bones in her right fore-arm. Not
as bad as she broke the left arm 2 1/2 years ago, but bad enough! He was sooo
surprised! She broke it pretty good, he said. She had to have landed on that arm
really hard. And judging by the break he said she had to have landed on the palm
of her hand which took the brunt of her fall. He'd asked before if she felt
the bone break and she said Yes. He kinda had smirked at that, but now he knew
she knew exactly what she was talking about! My Lacie is no
dummy!! And, she takes after her mother having and EXTREMELY high tolerance
to pain!! Although mine has worn off A LOT hahaha. This little girl of
ours is amazing. I'm not bragging or exagerating, but she's near
perfect. She's extremely brilliant. She's so mature. She's so special and
unique. She really is my angel! It was a MIRACLE that I got pregnant with
her. Totally a shock! Not only was I NOT supposed to be able to have kids but I
was on birth control, too! I KNEW she wanted to come here and I could feel her
spirit before we even got married that she was in a big hurry to get here. I got
pregnant with her right after we got married. That very same month!! She was the
most PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT baby anybody could ever hope for or wish for or
dream for. Ask anyone who knew her. She was flawless. She even won all the
baby pageants we put her in!! hahaha. She won everyone's heart. She still
does, when she doesn't get all dramatic! lol Anyway, she's doing so
bravely right now. She's knocked out on Lortab on our couch, silently
sleeping. No crying or whimpering or complaining. Just being perfect, like
herself. :) If anyone wants to come see her this week PLEASE PLEASE DO!!!
She LOVES people (just like her mommy does) and LOVES visitors! And LOVES LOVES
LOVES CHOCOLATE!!! :) So if anyone feels like coming to spoil my little
girl please do, k? I'm not begging for a hand-out, just thinking about what
would make her happy. I'm sure she'd love to tell her arm-breaking story over
and over and over again like she does about her first arm-breaking experience!
lol She'd especially love to see any of her friends! Okay, I'm
babbling cuz it's late and I'm super super tired and love-struck by my amazing
daughter.