I am missing Tyler right now so much it hurts and makes me feel physically ill. Crying so much today is making me so tired I'm feeling exhausted. It hit me like a storm last night and it hasn't subsided since.
I guess the initial shock is wearing off.
I know Sophie is hardly parting from her pacifier and "silky". I've never seen her dependent on them so much. She misses her daddy's tickling and kissing and cuddling. He was so sweet to her and Lacie. I cannot be their dad, too, as hard as I try.
I'm finding nearly no time for myself at all. I'm being drowned by homework and assignments due, housework, Lacie's schoolwork and projects, doctor visits for Sophie's broken foot, cooking, bills and budget, and people pulling me this way and that.
I can keep busy because I have no other option right now, not really, and even though I'm busy I cry right through what I'm doing.
It's not just that he's been gone for nearing two weeks now and this is the FIRST TIME we've been apart like this in over 7 years, but knowing he's going to be gone HALF A YEAR!!!!
I hurt remembering his voice and crying over the phone when he got to call me on Monday. That was incredible that I heard from him. But I knew I would. I felt he would be calling me. He told me he'd sent a letter as well but I have yet to see it and I'm hardly holding myself still while waiting for the mail lady every day. I can't wait to get his address so I can send him his 20 page letter I've hand-written for him and the Easter cards the girls and I made for him. I know he's anxious to get it and I don't blame him in the least. He's having a really hard time, too.
I don't think people understand how close Tyler and I are. I know we haven't had the most perfect marriage or lives, but we are truly best friends and are sealed for Eternity and we know and feel this together. It's hard being without him so suddenly when we were together nearly 24/7 before because he and I didn't have jobs. It's a huge shock and a huge adjustment.
When Tyler called I told him how proud I am of him and how much I love him and think of him every minute of every day and this brought a big emotional response from him that I didn't anticipate. I'm praying so hard for him, and so are the girls.
I wish that someone could help me around the house and playing with the girls. I'm so swamped and I'm not being able to do everything I need to do. I'm so stressed. No income at all, no unemployment, nothing. I have 100.00 to last for all of April. That's my gasoline alone, not including food, utilities, co-pays, medicine, rent, bills, and everything else. I need a miracle, or several.
I have a few good friends giving me emotional support right now that I desperately need and appreciate, but it seems like my ward and most family have dropped off the face of the planet. I know people think that their distance from me is for my own good, but isn't that up to Heavenly Father to decide? Why keep your compassion and charity from someone who needs it when that's not your call to make?
I'm not mad or bitter, just overwhelmed, sad, lonely, surprised.
Well, now I better go shower while Lacie's in school since I haven't even had the chance to do that for myself in 3 days!!
Tyler is gone!!
We had a very successful farewell party for him on Saturday the 20th. It was for EVERYBODY that had known or does know Tyler. We had a very good turnout and it was so much fun! Tyler and I were so busy the entire time that we hardly even saw each other. There were several missed people, but we still had a super awesome turn-out and Tyler felt so loved and supported by many.
Sunday was a very wonderful day, sad day as it was. We got to spend time at my grandparen's house in Bountiful. They sure love Tyler a lot. They say that he must be really special because he married me haha. Isn't that cute?
Tyler offered to make dinner for them and my family so all of us got together with my grandparents and Tyler made his last dinner for all of us. It was so good! Homemade chicken noodle soup! :)
We had a good time together.
Then Tyler and I drove to the hotel where he'd be staying the night. We went to say our goodbyes.
Mom and dad and Andrea came with so that Andrea could drive me home and my parents could drive the girls home.
It was so hard!! It was so painful and sickening to say goodbye! One of the hardest things I've ever had to do!
I've never seen him cry so hard before as he did when he held me and the girls. It was upsetting to me to see it.
It was Sunday that I realized that I was a military wife and all my life that I've realized about military wives I've always felt soooo sorry for them. My heart would ache for them and I'd cry for them when I'd see their loved ones leaving or returning and I remember always being grateful that I wasn't one of them. When I mentioned this to Tyler one of our friends, Chad Neth, his song came on the radio and for some reason his song coupled with what I said just hit us really hard and we both started to cry so hard. That was our very last time together alone.
I was really lucky to get 4 phone calls from him. It was so good to hear his voice! He was going through all sorts of emotions. But he's strong. I've been getting impressions to pray for him, though, which I have been doing, of course!
Lacie's really struggled with him being gone. She and Sophie both cry for him to come home off and on, but Lacie more-so than Sophie.
Today for the first time I left the girls with a babysitter that God blessed me with for while I'm in school. I HATE leaving my girls! It does not feel right to me.
Right before I got there to get them Sophie had fallen from the monkey bars in their backyard and hurt her foot. I got there and could hear her screaming in pain. I was alarmed cuz I'd never heard her scream and cry like that before. I knew she was really hurt.
I took her home and my friend Kristen showed up right after we got back and brought us dinner! It was the biggest life-saver!!!
Sophie had stopped crying but she refused to walk on it. She gave it an honest effort but I knew something was wrong so we packed up and took her to the Emergency Room.
She was so easy-going and not crying or anything so I knew they didn't really know what to think about it. After they did the x-ray, though, they all got serious.
She broke the big bone up the big toe in the middle of the foot. It's a green-stick fracture.
They referred me to a bone/foot specialist who will probably refer us to Primary Children's Medical Center. We'll see how it goes.
Just now Sophie keeps saying she wants daddy here to see it and she always is asking me if I miss daddy.
Poor kid woke up from a long nap after so much pain and she's been shaking and has a slight fever and is talking about how it hurts.
Okay I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and aching for Tyler.
Time to end this.
