I am missing Tyler right now so much it hurts and makes me feel physically ill. Crying so much today is making me so tired I'm feeling exhausted. It hit me like a storm last night and it hasn't subsided since.
I guess the initial shock is wearing off.
I know Sophie is hardly parting from her pacifier and "silky". I've never seen her dependent on them so much. She misses her daddy's tickling and kissing and cuddling. He was so sweet to her and Lacie. I cannot be their dad, too, as hard as I try.
I'm finding nearly no time for myself at all. I'm being drowned by homework and assignments due, housework, Lacie's schoolwork and projects, doctor visits for Sophie's broken foot, cooking, bills and budget, and people pulling me this way and that.
I can keep busy because I have no other option right now, not really, and even though I'm busy I cry right through what I'm doing.
It's not just that he's been gone for nearing two weeks now and this is the FIRST TIME we've been apart like this in over 7 years, but knowing he's going to be gone HALF A YEAR!!!!
I hurt remembering his voice and crying over the phone when he got to call me on Monday. That was incredible that I heard from him. But I knew I would. I felt he would be calling me. He told me he'd sent a letter as well but I have yet to see it and I'm hardly holding myself still while waiting for the mail lady every day. I can't wait to get his address so I can send him his 20 page letter I've hand-written for him and the Easter cards the girls and I made for him. I know he's anxious to get it and I don't blame him in the least. He's having a really hard time, too.
I don't think people understand how close Tyler and I are. I know we haven't had the most perfect marriage or lives, but we are truly best friends and are sealed for Eternity and we know and feel this together. It's hard being without him so suddenly when we were together nearly 24/7 before because he and I didn't have jobs. It's a huge shock and a huge adjustment.
When Tyler called I told him how proud I am of him and how much I love him and think of him every minute of every day and this brought a big emotional response from him that I didn't anticipate. I'm praying so hard for him, and so are the girls.
I wish that someone could help me around the house and playing with the girls. I'm so swamped and I'm not being able to do everything I need to do. I'm so stressed. No income at all, no unemployment, nothing. I have 100.00 to last for all of April. That's my gasoline alone, not including food, utilities, co-pays, medicine, rent, bills, and everything else. I need a miracle, or several.
I have a few good friends giving me emotional support right now that I desperately need and appreciate, but it seems like my ward and most family have dropped off the face of the planet. I know people think that their distance from me is for my own good, but isn't that up to Heavenly Father to decide? Why keep your compassion and charity from someone who needs it when that's not your call to make?
I'm not mad or bitter, just overwhelmed, sad, lonely, surprised.
Well, now I better go shower while Lacie's in school since I haven't even had the chance to do that for myself in 3 days!!
Wow! Tyler got enlisted today! It's official! He's now property of the U.S. Government. Holy cow. No longer a civie.
He's signed up as a Cook. Not his first choice, which would've been a nurse, but it's his second choice and he's happy with it. He's doing what any MAN would do and that's taking care of his own family and I am so proud of him!!!
He was glowing when he came home and whenever he glows that's when I know he's doing what's right.
We've really come a long way. We've been through a lot since we've been married (even a little before we got married, too) and I am proud of us. We have remained faithful no matter what's happened. Why blame the church and God for trials we're required to go through? We're only throwing away our own eternal salvation when we have "temper tantrums" and not go to church, not pray, not read our scriptures or pay our tithing, etc. Having these fits to try to prove something is only hurting US and our posterity.
Believe me, we have had plenty of "good" excuses to stop being faithful to God and his kingdom (i.e. His Church) but excuses do not fly with God and we know that.
Right now I'm feeling happy and good about this. Tyler said that when he swore in that a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. He felt excitement, pride for his country and what he's sacrificing for it, happiness and satisfaction. I'm also feeling anxiety because I'm not looking forward to having him gone from me and for SO LONG! It's going to be so hard not having my very best friend in the whole wide world around me! It's lonely not having him share a bed with me and not having someone I can go to for everything. It's going to be lonely not having someone by my side at church and family events. It's going to really suck not having dates or having him with me when we get together with our friends. It's going to be VERY HARD. And I know myself, I'm going to cry my eyeballs out and feel totally alone.
I know there are a few "select" people (always the same people) who do not believe that I will be able to do anything with Tyler being gone. These people don't believe that I can take care of myself let alone my children. Such horrible and demeaning things to think! Hello!! I'm 31 and have plenty of experience taking care of children and even living on my own. It's extremely offensive that these people are saying such negative things about me to my husband. What can he do? What can I do? I guess just let them be. They believe and think whatever they choose to make up in their own minds without any proof or evidence from me. Once someone doesn't accept you they probably never will. They've made up their minds. Heck, I could win Mother of the Year award or Wife of the Year award and they'd still believe the same way. But even if I was handicapped and wheel-chair bound and completely incapable of doing anything for myself or my children I'd still have my iron-clad testimony. But, to these people testimonies don't matter as they've proven to me over and over again. Eternal Life doesn't matter. Eternal Family doesn't matter. At least to these people. I have a very strong testimony, I know the Gospel and the doctrine, and I teach my children the right. That's what matters the absolute MOST. At the end of the day what matters the MOST is that my children are taught from the beginning how to have their own testimonies and that me and my family are DOING what we can to earn our eternal life. Yes, it has to be earned.
Anyway, PHEW! Enough of that! Besides those people that only want to see me fail in life, I am excited for what lies ahead of us!
I really feel that Tyler's and my Patriarchle Blessings are being followed and answered in this new life we have ahead of us. I know that this will strengthen both of us in ways that nothing else we could experience could do for us. I know that I'll be forced to be a stronger WOMAN and Tyler will be forced to be a stronger MAN. This is going to stretch us, mold us, try us, in more ways than we can even imagine right now but it will all be for GOOD.
It's one thing to do something scary and hard that will hurt us and another to do something brave and scary and hard that will cause pain (different than hurt). It will help us grow and change and progress in countless ways.
I am excited about the future now!
I get to start school again in January. Part-time I guess, but it's something. It'll help keep me busy while my best friend is torn from my side. I'm not doing school to seek after my own selfish desires, but to help me be a better person and to keep me from sinking into a deep depression.
Plus, the G.I. Bill will help me out with paying for it. I'm happy about that. It's a big stress-reliever knowing that it's there for us.
So, what's going to happen now you may be asking?
Tyler leaves for Basic Training to Fort Knox Virginia (I believe that's the State) for 10 weeks on March 22nd. Then I can go to his graduation from Basic Training. My parents and I will be saving for that so we can go together. I'm so excited!!!
Then after Basic he'll go straight to AIT which is advanced training for his MOS which is Food Operations Specialist (i.e. Cook). He'll be there for 9 weeks. His papers say a total of 21 weeks. Oh man that's so long to be without my MAN!!!!!
His AIT is going to be at Fort Lee, Kentucky (right State?). Then he'll come back home to me in Utah where he'll get the family and we'll be moved by the U.S. Army to another base in another State somewhere. No, we don't know where that will be yet. He won't get those orders until he's nearly done at AIT.
I'm really excited for that!! We'll get to move away! Yipeee!! Okay, I'm very sad about some of the family we'll be leaving behind and our super good friends! We both are really going to miss all of you who have been so supportive and compassionate towards both of us! You have been Angels to us, and I sincerely mean that!
Meantime, I'll be home alone and I'll want family and friends to surround me. If you think I don't want your help think again. Just offer!! I'm not going to say NO unless you're downright evil and horrible hahahaha just kidding!! I know that a few of you think I won't want your help or support and you're totally wrong!! I do want it! I probably won't ask, though. I am embarrassed to ask for help. Makes me feel weak and pathetic, and I do NOT like that some think I am already weak and pathetic so don't expect a phone call unless you're like my best friend or mom! lol
I love you all, no matter what you think of me, and you'll see that the Lord will take care of us!! He already has been taking care of us! And yes, it's been mostly through other people, but isn't that how it works? God works through others to help each of us.
Now we're going to go celebrate!!!!
Well Tyler would be enlisted right now in the U.S. Army but when he was filling out his paperwork while there at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) they asked if he's had ANY Emergency Room visits. Well, he had a couple of ER visits. One I will mention here and it was his chest pain he was having while taking his EMT class at the Firestation. Well, they never officially diagnosed him with anything but he hasn't had any problems since, not really anyway. We think it's a strained muscle in his shoulder and it's a bad one. His sister's tried working on it in the past and has had to put her ELBOW into it and it will not relax! Stubborn little bugger!! lol So I told Tyler I will work on it up until he leaves for Basic Training. Anyway, unlike what some people seem to think, it is NOT my fault he was having chest pain. (I was actually blamed TO MY FACE by one person and implied by a few more that it was my fault he was having chest pain! Can you believe the nerve of some people? Seriously!). Anyway, so his MUSCLE spasm, NOT caused by his wife but by his lifetime of construction work, caused an issue that was very painful for him and he went to the ER for it because he was with EMT's and Paramedics who insisted he go for chest pain. I think they were using him as an example to the other students in the class that as EMT's you should NEVER take chest pain lightly, no matter what you think it may be. It's just too risky! So away they whisked him to the ER. I'm just praying that this one little thing doesn't prevent him from being able to enlist! How stupid would that be? Seriously! But he has a really good recruiter who's willing to "bust his butt" as he puts it to get Tyler in.
Tyler isn't enlisted yet, unfortunately, but he will be this week one of these days. Not sure exactly which day. He might have to go to the MEPS thing all over again which means leaving here at 3pm in the afternoon on Wed and not getting home until 3pm the next day. Wow just 24 hours and us 3 girls really missed him!! And he might have to do it all over again.
He passed everything else so well, though, so having him repeat it again just seems a little excessive, but oh well!
Everything that's happened has been leading us up to this point. This point of Tyler enlisting in the Army. Things have just happened SO quickly and so smoothly! They say when things fall into place like this that it's right!
I've also been learning some interesting things about the Spirit. The Spirit can come ONE TIME and tell you when something is right, correct and true and then it doesn't need to hang around reminding you of that constantly. You have to have faith in that answer you got and cling to the memory, doing what you know is right that it lead you to. That's why converts can have an amazing experience, or a definite one, when they first discover the truth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and once that initial feeling wears off and life continues and trials come as they always do that it's easy to forget that feeling and a little bit at a time we let things go that help remind us of that until it becomes too faint and eventually they lose it altogether and leave the church again. This happens to anybody actually, not just converts. It can happen to any member of the church.
Anyway, so when you receive that answer you should probably write down how you felt about it. After you get that answer COUNT on it that Satan/the Adversary is going to indefinitely try to discourage you from following through with what you know is right. He's going to depress you, scare you, intimidate you, give you doubts and discouragement and he will use any means necessary to derail you. He will use friends and family even! Of course these caring people do not realize they may be assisting in this negative way at all because they don't mean harm, but it is a fact that people are used quite regularly to discourage people from choosing the right. Even if they mean well.
If something is indefinitely correct or good or true the Adversary will try to stop you. If it was NOT right he will NOT have to try to stop you so you won't feel these negative feelings. He'll leave you alone! So sometimes this can cause great confusion.
For example, now this might seem like an absurd example, but it's an obvious one I can use, say you have a choice to take illegal drugs or not to take them. You decide that it's the right thing to do to take them. The Adversary is NOT going to give you feelings of doubt that you chose the right thing. He's not going to make you feel confusion, frustration, discouragement, depression or anxiety that choosing to take the drugs is the right thing or not. He will leave you alone! He knows he "has you" and will thus let you go ahead with your obviously WRONG AND BAD decision. BUT, when you have the Spirit of God with you, or the Light of Christ, or the Gift of the Holy Ghost, you will have a SURE KNOWLEDGE that it is wrong. It won't be confusing. It will be a FOR SURE STOPPING knowledge that it is wrong. It will be strong enough that you cannot ignore it inwardly. Outwardly you can pretend you didn't feel it and go ahead with your bad choice, and when you do this enough times eventually you stop feeling this absolute knowledge that something is wrong. You've actually desensitized yourself to the point of not feeling when this knowledge of what is right and wrong is no longer felt or recognized.
But, you can also choose to follow that knowledge and turn around and walk away without another thought about it!! It's so much easier to just follow that knowledge.
Now, say if you pray about it and feel that it's NOT right to take the illegal drugs, the Adversary will be aware of your decision. Do you think he'll leave you alone? Well, probably not unless he knows for sure that he has no chance of swaying you. He will make you doubt your decision, he'll plummet you with guilt and peer pressure, anxiety, discouragement. He'll annoy you so much that you begin to doubt your decision! That's when people cave. They give in to those feelings and they don't follow through with that initial answer they received of what was the correct choice.
I have to give this example, because I feel I must. I was hoping I wouldn't have to, but here it is anyway!
When Tyler and I were first getting to know each other I was still interested in another man I wanted to marry. I felt God approved of my decision to marry this other man, but he also told me that it was up to BOTH OF US. And this other man did not choose me. It hurt. But that's okay now. So I meet Tyler and start to get to know him. I feel something about him that different than with any other man I'd ever dated. I prayed about the man I was to marry and I had a dream OF TYLER! I dreamed of him before I really knew him. I was friends with his younger brother, Joe, and I thought Joe was such an awesome guy that I was always saying "Gosh if Joe just had an older brother!". And lo and behold he did!! I was never interested in Joe in "that way" hahaha thank goodness cuz he's my brother in law now!! I loved the qualities Joe had and since there was no attraction there at all for either of us I just was hoping there'd be another guy out there that I would be attracted to that would be like Joe in many ways. Well, then I met Tyler. I saw him on a Sunday sitting next to Joe at church after the night of my dream and I KNEW I'd found him. Only then I didn't know he was Joe's brother. It wasn't until I went to his house and saw their pictures on the wall that I knew they were brothers without a doubt. They just do not look like each other at all! Joe is a whitey with very blond hair and blue eyes. Tyler is a very stocky dark man with black hair and brownish-gold eyes. So I was thrilled when I found out they were brothers. When I finally got over that old boyfriend of mine the Spirit told me Tyler was the right one, or at least Heavenly Father approved of my choice as did my future children (he was the FIRST one that my future children approved of, actually, and I felt this very, very strongly). I prayed about him and I felt it was RIGHT. Just being with him and around him it was confirmed over and over again.
When the decision to get married was made that's when HELL literally was dragged in to stop us! It was INCREDIBLY HARD!!!!!
We did NOT have support. We actually had friends and family who fought against our union and would say and do anything to try to discourage us from being married. I cannot believe the extremes to which the Adversary went through to try to prevent this special union of ours. There were waves of doubt, discouragement, anxiety and sickness that hit both of us at random times and places, and almost ALWAYS when we were around specific people who did not approve it was VERY strong. It was incredibly difficult!!!! It was one of the most difficult decision either of us have ever had to make!
But we both knew it was correct!
On our wedding day I got up that morning and prayed again, telling the Lord that I was putting my entire faith and life into his hands in trusting that this was the correct decision and to bless me with peace and strength. Well, it washed over me and lasted the entire day of our wedding! The Adversary gave up when he knew I was not turning back and there was nothing he could do to ME to break it up.
Tyler also prayed and said "Stop me Lord if this is not right, but I feel it is" and even though he was literally shaking in his shoes of nervousness he felt it was right! After we were married we felt GOOD. We felt calm and peace and happiness and promise.
It has been difficult, being married (not to each other, just life has) but it has made us both grow in HUGE ways. We've been strengthened so much! And we've grown closer together than ever before! Even though there are some that still do not respect our Eternal Marriage and would throw parties to see this Eternal family torn apart, we are happy together, feel fulfilled, and have never, ever, ever felt like anything was missing. We feel complete and whole together.
My point here is that when something is RIGHT the Adversary will work to prevent it, using ANY means he finds necessary, even family and friends, to try to prevent the right thing from happening!!! And when it is wrong he leaves you alone! You get a distinct KNOWLEDGE that it is wrong and either you forget it or you can easily turn away from it once you make your choice and it's easy to let it go and forget about it.
You can tell when something's not right for you. Like if you're looking at a house to buy you KNOW when you walk into the right place! Or just a place to rent. As soon as you drive up or walk through that door you know if it's a yes or a no. That is when it's one of those DEFINITE things. There are cases where the choices we have don't matter as much and it's not necessary to feel a YES or a NO. But you know it when you feel either of these! It's only after the initial YES that you can receive discouraging thoughts and feelings and emotions that can drive you away from what you know is right.
Wow I just realized I really got into a tangent there!! hahaha sorry about that!! I guess I really felt impressed to share this tonight.
So, back to what's going on with Tyler and I!! haha.
We are being delayed in enlistment and also in where we will be living. We aren't sure if we'll be staying here or moving to government housing. I just don't want to have to start over in another ward and then in a few short months have Tyler GONE. Not only with the girls have their daddy GONE 24/7 for MONTHS (which will be EXTREMELY traumatic to them) but then they'll have to get used to new neighbors, new house, new ward, and even a new school!!!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!! I really hope we don't have to move there! Now, it's not a bad place, and it actually has THREE bedrooms instead of two like we have now, and it's all one level (thank you from my poor bad knees!) but yeah. It's government housing which means strict rules and also the price of the rent is determined from the gross income of the house. That can be bad and too expensive if Tyler is making too much. Being in the military it will be too much, especially if I have any hope of ever getting out of debt again! Thank goodness the military has sooooo many wonderful benefits! That will literally SAVE US.
So we are meeting with our bishop, HOPEFULLY, tomorrow and counseling with him about our options and see what our choices will end up being after that.
I am just really scared of being ALL ALONE after Tyler is gone. I hope that family will get closer to me and the girls, even if they'd rather not, especially for the girls and since I'll be so lonely being without my best friend in the entire world!!!
So, pray that things will continue to fall into place for us!! We need prayers for peace, comfort and guidance!!
