I am missing Tyler right now so much it hurts and makes me feel physically ill. Crying so much today is making me so tired I'm feeling exhausted. It hit me like a storm last night and it hasn't subsided since.
I guess the initial shock is wearing off.
I know Sophie is hardly parting from her pacifier and "silky". I've never seen her dependent on them so much. She misses her daddy's tickling and kissing and cuddling. He was so sweet to her and Lacie. I cannot be their dad, too, as hard as I try.
I'm finding nearly no time for myself at all. I'm being drowned by homework and assignments due, housework, Lacie's schoolwork and projects, doctor visits for Sophie's broken foot, cooking, bills and budget, and people pulling me this way and that.
I can keep busy because I have no other option right now, not really, and even though I'm busy I cry right through what I'm doing.
It's not just that he's been gone for nearing two weeks now and this is the FIRST TIME we've been apart like this in over 7 years, but knowing he's going to be gone HALF A YEAR!!!!
I hurt remembering his voice and crying over the phone when he got to call me on Monday. That was incredible that I heard from him. But I knew I would. I felt he would be calling me. He told me he'd sent a letter as well but I have yet to see it and I'm hardly holding myself still while waiting for the mail lady every day. I can't wait to get his address so I can send him his 20 page letter I've hand-written for him and the Easter cards the girls and I made for him. I know he's anxious to get it and I don't blame him in the least. He's having a really hard time, too.
I don't think people understand how close Tyler and I are. I know we haven't had the most perfect marriage or lives, but we are truly best friends and are sealed for Eternity and we know and feel this together. It's hard being without him so suddenly when we were together nearly 24/7 before because he and I didn't have jobs. It's a huge shock and a huge adjustment.
When Tyler called I told him how proud I am of him and how much I love him and think of him every minute of every day and this brought a big emotional response from him that I didn't anticipate. I'm praying so hard for him, and so are the girls.
I wish that someone could help me around the house and playing with the girls. I'm so swamped and I'm not being able to do everything I need to do. I'm so stressed. No income at all, no unemployment, nothing. I have 100.00 to last for all of April. That's my gasoline alone, not including food, utilities, co-pays, medicine, rent, bills, and everything else. I need a miracle, or several.
I have a few good friends giving me emotional support right now that I desperately need and appreciate, but it seems like my ward and most family have dropped off the face of the planet. I know people think that their distance from me is for my own good, but isn't that up to Heavenly Father to decide? Why keep your compassion and charity from someone who needs it when that's not your call to make?
I'm not mad or bitter, just overwhelmed, sad, lonely, surprised.
Well, now I better go shower while Lacie's in school since I haven't even had the chance to do that for myself in 3 days!!
I cannot believe how time has been rushing by!
Things have been so strange, surreal, and hard. Very hard.
Amazing to me how people can be so insensitive with things they say and do during hard times like these. Suddenly I realize how much people's own lives revolve around themselves. They're mindless of how their words and actions can really hurt others.
I've had many people say hurtful things to me lately, as if they know better or even know what they're talking about. Sometimes they've only meant well, but when they don't really know what they're talking about and only say things that can be offensive and/or hurtful then you know they don't understand and don't have the Spirit directing their words and/or actions.
I don't know how other women do it when their husbands are gone so much. Tyler and I are SO close. So very, very close. Very best friends, and practically inseparable, we tell each other everything. We really are "one". It seems most people don't understand this. I see lots of couples who aren't very close and they are calloused about our separation. And I see many who are used to being separated and they forget what it's like the first time to be apart for so long.
It honestly feels like I'm preparing for his death!! That is how hard it's been on me, on us.
We also have been seeing very clearly who are true friends and who are not. It's been hurtful and joyful at the same time. Amazing "angel-like" friends are appearing out of no-where and some who we thought were good friends are dropping like flies.
Another thing that's been hurtful are those that have no faith in me as a mother. No faith in God. No faith in anything. I believe in God and I believe He has all power. I also know that he doesn't allow us to go through anything that is too much for us to be able to bear. I know that He provides a way. We know this is right what we are doing and when we are obedient to God then He provides a way to help us accomplish whatever He's asked or commanded us to do. (1 Ne 3:7).
In my Patriarchle Blessing it says that my many talents and abilities will come out while I am a mother in Zion, and I really feel this is the time for those to start coming out.
I just KNOW that Heavenly Father is going to help me and take care of us.
The ONLY thing I worry about is discouragement, depression and people who will continually lack faith in me and put me down. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to feel too tired and discouraged to try my hardest or keep plugging along. I pray I have the strength, energy, health, stamina and desire to be awesome while Tyler is away. I really hope that my memory improves!! Pray it does!
Also, I need to clear something up. I heard from a direct source that people think Tyler joined the Army to use it to pay off our debts. NO. N-O!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did it because it was RIGHT. We desperately needed the health benefits, we needed the steady income and pay-checks, and, Tyler had always wanted to be a Soldier in the U.S. Army and we were literally directed straight into this path. It was the ONLY door that opened for us.
We did NOT get ANY bonuses for signing up!!!!!!!!!!!! They don't hardly do that anymore!! It's not a "enlist and get rich" thing at all!! This is purely sacrificing for us right now. It really is!!
We aren't even getting paychecks for almost 2 months!!!!!!! Nothing!!
WE ARE PAYING OFF OUR DEBTS ALL ON OUR VERY OWN. We are greatly struggling to do this, and we are not filing bankruptcy or anything like that.
And our debts are NOT consumer except one at RC Willey. It's ALL for medical.
whew. I hope people who need to see this actually do, or someone forwards it to them because, frankly, I'm SICK AND TIRED OF JUDGMENTAL, KNOW-IT-ALL PEOPLE!!!!!
Heavenly Father please help me not let people get to me so easily!!
I'm so sensitive and trusting, accepting, loving, naive in lots of ways, forgiving, and more. because of this I get hurt a LOT and very easily. Especially with GOSSIP. Lies, exaggerations, wow. They've hurt me and tarnished my reputation forever with friends and family both.
Okay, now to end this. I'm getting irritable now and I'm SUPER tired and very emotional. I think I'm emotional for a good reason, hopefully others will understand and remember that, too, instead of jumping down my throat.
HE LEAVES IN 6 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Tyler's farewell party is THIS SATURDAY. If you want the details to it please write me. He would love to see anyone who knows him. He, and us, need any support we can get right now.
thank you!!!
