I am missing Tyler right now so much it hurts and makes me feel physically ill. Crying so much today is making me so tired I'm feeling exhausted. It hit me like a storm last night and it hasn't subsided since.
I guess the initial shock is wearing off.
I know Sophie is hardly parting from her pacifier and "silky". I've never seen her dependent on them so much. She misses her daddy's tickling and kissing and cuddling. He was so sweet to her and Lacie. I cannot be their dad, too, as hard as I try.
I'm finding nearly no time for myself at all. I'm being drowned by homework and assignments due, housework, Lacie's schoolwork and projects, doctor visits for Sophie's broken foot, cooking, bills and budget, and people pulling me this way and that.
I can keep busy because I have no other option right now, not really, and even though I'm busy I cry right through what I'm doing.
It's not just that he's been gone for nearing two weeks now and this is the FIRST TIME we've been apart like this in over 7 years, but knowing he's going to be gone HALF A YEAR!!!!
I hurt remembering his voice and crying over the phone when he got to call me on Monday. That was incredible that I heard from him. But I knew I would. I felt he would be calling me. He told me he'd sent a letter as well but I have yet to see it and I'm hardly holding myself still while waiting for the mail lady every day. I can't wait to get his address so I can send him his 20 page letter I've hand-written for him and the Easter cards the girls and I made for him. I know he's anxious to get it and I don't blame him in the least. He's having a really hard time, too.
I don't think people understand how close Tyler and I are. I know we haven't had the most perfect marriage or lives, but we are truly best friends and are sealed for Eternity and we know and feel this together. It's hard being without him so suddenly when we were together nearly 24/7 before because he and I didn't have jobs. It's a huge shock and a huge adjustment.
When Tyler called I told him how proud I am of him and how much I love him and think of him every minute of every day and this brought a big emotional response from him that I didn't anticipate. I'm praying so hard for him, and so are the girls.
I wish that someone could help me around the house and playing with the girls. I'm so swamped and I'm not being able to do everything I need to do. I'm so stressed. No income at all, no unemployment, nothing. I have 100.00 to last for all of April. That's my gasoline alone, not including food, utilities, co-pays, medicine, rent, bills, and everything else. I need a miracle, or several.
I have a few good friends giving me emotional support right now that I desperately need and appreciate, but it seems like my ward and most family have dropped off the face of the planet. I know people think that their distance from me is for my own good, but isn't that up to Heavenly Father to decide? Why keep your compassion and charity from someone who needs it when that's not your call to make?
I'm not mad or bitter, just overwhelmed, sad, lonely, surprised.
Well, now I better go shower while Lacie's in school since I haven't even had the chance to do that for myself in 3 days!!
So Tyler and I decided that a fast would be a good thing to do for our situation since we could see no other alternatives to our situation.
We'd contacted those who we could and tried to do what we could and nothing worked out.
We had to pay 600.00 for our truck TODAY in order to not get it repossessed like our poor little car (that I miss terribly. It was like losing one of the family lol).
This morning Tyler got up really early and went to school to figure out why his school was charging him right now, every month, and why he didn't get the discount for his dad going to school there, too, and check on other financial aid issues.
Luckily he talked to a lady there who knew what she was doing and fixed Tyler's financial aid and credited us 5,000.00!! And took off all the late payments we've had and deferred his loans until July and then when we get to that point they'll probably be able to defer it another 6 months.
Cool eh???
Well, then that super rude chick from America First Credit Union called Tyler and said, "where's the money? You have until 6:00pm tonight to get it here". Tyler said, "let me talk to your supervisor or manager". So he talked to the manager at their collections dept and told her our situation.
Said he'd just lost his job, this was our only vehicle, we couldn't buy another one, and we wouldn't have a way to get another job let alone have a way to get there without the truck. So anyway, she understood and after Tyler said we want to pay them and want to make this work but give us a chance. So she did. WOW she did! We only have to pay 400.00 by Tuesday instead and then they'll work with us for the rest and let us continue regular payments. THANK GOODNESS!!!
Tyler was incredibly relieved and on cloud 9 when he came home. I have missed him like that.
Then the mail came.
Tyler brought the mail to me with a big smile on his face. One letter was from his previous employer, Gunther's Comfort Air in American Fork. There was a check inside.
He read a letter that explained that there are certain employees that have been there a long while and work hard and Tyler was one of them.
So Tyler got a check from them for 300.00!!!! It was part of his Profit Sharing that they were NOT going to give out this year.
So here's what we think.
Blaine, his boss and owner, felt so bad about having to lay Tyler off and when he found out our car had been repossessed and I wasn't working he felt worse. His direct boss, Lance, also knew about our circumstances and the laying off was a complete shock. And he was getting a Profit Sharing. Only the Project Managers were getting them. So we think the two of them talked and decided to give Tyler a cut from Lance's Profit Sharing check.
So we were saved!!!!
We'd had a talk last night about our situation and know that God will bless us more when we're being obedient. Honestly, we haven't been that obedient. Nothing too serious for being temple recommend holders, but they were sins of omission, which can be more devastating than anything at all. It has deep spiritual consequences that can cause any strong member of God's church to lose his faith and slowly but surely fall away.
God wants to bless us but CANNOT when we are not obedient. It's just as simple as that. He is bound when we do what he says but when we don't we have no promise.
This is a trial of our faith, pure and simple.
We started the fast with prayer. It was our last resort.
And our prayer and fast was answered. We believe it was a miracle. Pure and simple. And we feel so much relief!!
Okay so Tyler and I are looking for jobs in Boise and Utah Counties and even in Oregon right now. Depends on where his school is that will determine where we go, though.
Also, we are selling all the furniture we possibly can! We are keeping my couch and chair I inherited from my grandma (love them, don't want other old, used ones) but our whole bedroom set is going, our dining set, maybe our desk, maybe our TV Armoire, all of it. We'll see, though. It's really, really hard to sell in Utah because people here are super DIRT CHEAP!! I HATE that. Especially in Utah County!
So we have to sell everything so that we can pay our bank that's going to sue us and take our truck, our only mode of transportation that we have.
If either of us got a job RIGHT NOW it wouldn't be enough to pay these debts to keep them from taking our truck. They want 1200.00 RIGHT NOW. It's stressful sick. And not fair.
People don't care if you lost your job or if you're sick or anything. They want their money. I have a hard time with people who want their money when they don't NEED it like we and others do.
We don't even have our own house and have lived in crappy, tiny places with our two kids for 6 years!! Our money situation hasn't gotten better but worse, and it's not from us spending money, it's from us LIVING and not having perfect bodies!
We got into debt in the first place to buy gasoline, food, rent, utilities, insurance, etc., and from going to doctors after doctors, surgeries, you name it! It wasn't from us going and getting nice things unless we paid CASH for those things.
So here we are.... what do we do?
Right now we want to get away from this place and from some people. We want to be our own family unit, hence one of the reasons why we want to move AWAY. We also want to be able to get into a place that we fit in and better serves our family's needs and in Ogden, Logan & Boise the housing is more affordable.
So, we'll see what happens and see what options we have.
Right now we've applied for all sorts of State assistance. It's all we can do! Housing, Food Stamps, Medicaid, WIC, HEAT, etc. We've been applying for jobs night and day, running from office to office, appointment to appointment, and since we don't have ink for our printer we have to drive to Lehi to use my dad's printer and computer to get paperwork from offline or from our laptop then drive to Department of Workforce Services to fax it (by 5pm of course) and then hurry home so that Tyler can get to school that he's not paying for.
It's keeping us very busy.
Meantime we don't get much understanding from people, still. It's really annoying and calloused of them and so we just don't really want to be around these people. Can you blame us? If you do you're one of them lol.
Here is another option. I work until I get pregnant or have a baby. It will only be part-time because I CANNOT leave my children allll day long if I can help it, esp since Tyler has to get to school at a certain time every night. Or, he can work part-time during the day until he can get a job doing something medical with upcoming certificates he's close to getting. Or, I'll work until he gets a job. So yeah, we'll see. I have an interview tomorrow and the next day. Do NOT want to work at either place. I know I'll be miserable cuz they're desk jobs, but a job is a job and knowing I don't have to keep it forever gives me some peace and hope.
So things just don't seem to be looking up any time soon. I say everything happens for a reason and something's bound to give, but right now we're right smack dab in the middle of a deep, black puddle of tar, I swear!
Not only have we lost our car but the bank called Tyler today and said if we don't pay 1200.00 by the end of this month then the truck is getting repossessed, too!!! And we have NO INCOME.
They said we HAVE to pay 600.00 by the 16th. That's only a few measly days away.
We have no money for food or gasoline now. That last of our tax return went to PART of our utilities so they wouldn't shut it off on Monday (today is Wednesday) and our one utility bill covers everything in our apartment. There is no gas or furnace.
We just put 500.00 into the truck with our tax return so that it can keep on running (the exhaust was broke) and so it'll pass inspections later for registration.
The only extra money we spent was for the hotel for our Anniversary (and that was cheap-ish. Cheap as we could find without going to stay at a place dumpier than our own) and Guitar Hero and that wasn't even 100.00. So that's it. Oh, and out to dinner for our Anniversary. But all the rest of it went to bills! It hardly even made a dent. I cannot believe it. Should we have filed for Bankruptcy instead? I just think of the long-term consequences to bankruptcy and it just seems so foolish to me.
Our landlord said she'd work with us as best as she can but she is a stickler for rent being paid on time.
We've both been applying for jobs all over. Me more than Tyler. He's depressed and so doesn't really want to get a job yet. That kinda ticks me off. It's not improving our situation to put off the inevidable. Also we haven't been paying for his schooling so I'm afraid they'll kick him out even though he's on the Dean's List!!
Right now I'm so nauseated with stress and discouragement and depression and anger and jealousy and not understanding that yeah, I'm sick. I feel like I'm going to puke any minute!
I also got my CPAP machine today and they wanted over 100.00 right then!! I have to pay 280.00 for it within the next two months. Oh my gosh I have no idea how we're going to do that!!
My only hope right now is working my Mary Kay. Unfortunately most my friends and family aren't interested in buying any from me, even if it would help us out hugely. They'd rather buy from someone else or buy more expensive make up elsewhere or from Walmart. Whatever.
If you all are annoyed by this post then just ignore it and stop being annoyed by me sharing my concerns and worries and thoughts and feelings on here. Just go away if you're not going to be supportive. I don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY who is not going to be supportive of us right now. I do not have the energy or tolerance or patience or even strength to cope with people who are negative, especially towards us or anything about us.
God, where is the pavilian that covereth they hiding place?
