WOW I cannot believe how time has flown by lately!
And WOW I can't believe all the things that have been happening!
On a good starting note, I've maintained the weight I've lost, which makes me very happy :D I hope to lose more soon, but I'm not ready yet. It takes sheer will power and hard work to do it and you have to be 100% dedicated or you'll probably fail! So I have to be READY and I'm not quite there yet. I will be very soon, though!
In a little over a month Tyler will be graduating from Advanced Individual Training!!! (AIT). I am SO excited!!!!!!! He was offered to sign up with the Rangers and the Old Guard, too, but passed on the Rangers since neither of us felt it was quite right. I didn't tell him what to do either way, but when we talked about it we both knew already what was right. The Old Guard would be SO awesome since he'd be guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier!!! That would be the most HONORABLE thing to do in the military, in my opinion, but his waist isn't tiny enough and he may be just 1" too short!! lol I love him just the way that he is, but the Army is very strict with how they do EVERYTHING.
So I leave TOMORROW to fly out to see Tyler!!! I am ECSTATIC!! It's all I can think about!! Of course I get anxiety over my safety getting to and from there, over Tyler being allowed a Pass to spend time with me, over spending money we do not have, over leaving the girls with friends and family and trusting they'll be 100% completely safe, and also anxiety over everything that will be staying at home alone without us to protect it from crappy neighbors, and every other little and big responsibility I have. WOW I feel overwhelmed right now!! (and NO I am not "FRANTIC", as one anonymous person said to me a little while ago. Try walking in my shoes for ONE DAY before passing judgment!).
Anyway, Tyler and I NEED this time together and we're so excited! I cannot wait! We were hoping to go to Washington D.C. to the Temple and to the Holocaust Museum and the White House, but it's a crazy commute there so I'm not sure if it'll work out or not. I have everything prepared to go there, but we'll see. We may just go to Busch Gardens (for free, thank you to those who honor and respect military families and give awesome discounts!!!) and to the beach or to Williamsburg or whatever. I'll just be happy to BE WITH Tyler!! OF course I'm going to miss my little girlies so very very much, and I know Tyler will hate not having them come with me, but he requested that just I come so we could be alone together for a little bit. Of course he cannot stay in the hotel with me, but I'll be happy with being with him in the daytime :) At least I'm already familiar with the area so I feel comfortable going there alone.
Okay, so we had a recent trauma (well, I did anyway) in the last few days. I couldn't bring myself to write it here since it was so recent, but here's a shorter version of a long, sad story.
My neighbors do not like me because I am LDS. They have told me so. They know where all the LDS people live in our neighborhood/area and have pointed them out and said they "hate" them, no kidding. They don't even know any of us! Anyway, we're friendly and nice but these neighbors are what you call "Jack Mormon's". These people are those who were either offended by other church members or don't like to "be told what to do" (give me a break!!) or think that the Church somehow wronged them or don't like their "rules" and blah blah blah. Pretty much they range anywhere from people who have negative feelings towards the Church and it's members but nothing hostile to completely hostile and do everything they can in their power to try to bring the Church and it's members down. All of these Jack Mormon's were baptized at some point in their life into the Church and didn't get what they thought was owed to them so they left, or they just don't care and like to party instead. This may offend some people to say it, so I'm sorry, just don't be so easily offended ;) lol.
Anyway, my neighborhood is full of these Jack Mormon's. They all party all night long on most nights, and throw up in my yard, break my kids toys, throw cigarettes at our stuff and into our mail box, tear Military stickers off my car, steal the Military magnets (twice now) from my car, steal my kids toys, and torment and tease and hurt my children.
Just yesterday one jerk fed my little Sophie chewed on sunflower seed casings telling her they were nuts. How cruel is that? Makes me SO ANGRY! I seriously want to go kick him in the face. Okay, that was probably too much haha, but really, these guys have pushed it over the line.
They've called the cops on me FOUR TIMES now making things up! I'm SICK of it!! DONE with it. Anyway, they look for reasons to cause fights or problems with me. I usually just mind my own business, keep my distance, wave and say hi once in a while just to show I can be nice, and I try to keep my girls from bothering any of them. It's hard work, especially when they make comments about me almost every time I go outside. I just ignore them, though, realizing they're probably drunk or high, or both, and just want to fight.
One neighbor lady actually attacked me. I don't want to get into all the details here since it'll just make this a lot longer than it needs to be, but she wanted a fight and that's all she was interested in. She was extremely offensive and vulgar, contentious, out-of-control, violent, irrational, and PSYCHO!!!!!!! If I didn't have training in martial arts I would've been on my butt the first time she rammed into me with her gargantuan chest. I blocked all her hits and punches and even though she kept ramming me with her gargantuan chest and body, I managed to stay upright and finally just turned around and walked away. Of course I was yelling back at her, just like "You can't talk to me? You have to swear? I'm not hitting you; I don't want to fight" etc etc. It was SOOO LAME. And it scared the crap out of me!!!!
I do NOT respect any woman who tries to act like a manly street bully. sor ry. no way. She acted like she was some huge black man and seriously it was so annoying and offensive. She's a 6 foot plus white woman, about 300+ pounds. TWICE my size!!! Come on..... pick on someone your own size, right? Wrong. She was out of control.
Anyway, needless to say I do NOT feel safe here!!! I feel like my life is in danger as are my daughters' lives, too. So after the Police came and took contradicting statements from all our druggy neighbors who are her party-pals, and he advised me to move from all these hostile neighbors and situation, I called my mom, the landlord, and the storage unit place and made arrangements to start moving IMMEDIATELY. I am moving to my mom's house.
I am honestly so overwhelmed right now that I've made myself sick. I've had a fever for days now, stomach aches, headaches, and poor concentration. My hair is falling out, I feel nauseated, my skin has broken out, and I'm so tired I can hardly sleep and having violent and disturbing dreams every night. It seems like to most people my situation is annoying but nothing more than that. One person told me "what you're going through would be so easy for me because I can handle stress really well, but I can see how you would be having a hard time with it because you can't handle very much". OUCH WHAT???? She's NEVER been even close to what I've gone through and am going through. Talk about arrogance! Holy cow!! She's like 10 years younger than me.... she has more to learn. Of course she probably didn't realize she came across so harshly. FAIL. (as Josh would put it LOL).
I have a lot to juggle! And right now at this moment I feel torn apart, torn to go in multiple directions so much that it's causing me confusion and stress beyond words.
I have to clean my super messy house (my vacuum is broken), pack everything, sort through and organize my stuff, most has to go to storage and some to my parents, I have to do all of this within a few days, clean the place, change my address at a million different places, cancel contracts with different providers, pack my luggage for the trip, pack my girl's luggages for their "trips", and do all of this in 1 1/2 weeks while taking 6 days of that 1 1/2 weeks and being away with Tyler. My landlord expects me to have my entire place moved out of and cleaned spotless in ONE DAY!!!!!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I have to find people who can help me because I literally cannot do this alone. It's impossible. Plain and simple. I do not have a truck. I do not have big enough muscles or a strong enough back to lift even my stupid sofa, let alone the other heavy things I have. I do not have enough boxes. I do not have enough time. I do not have enough brain power at the moment to keep it all organized. SHEESH!!!
Okay, enough complaining. I guess I really felt a need to vent!!!
I just pray that things fall into place as they should and that things won't turn out as bad as I'm fearing them to!!
I know that the Lord is blessing us and has been. I know that these things will make me stronger, wiser, more experienced. But I tell you what, right now it's so hard that I feel like I cannot see an end in sight. I feel trampled on and torn apart, sick and stretched too thin.
I don't even know exactly what to pray for!! haha. But at any rate, at least my life isn't boring, right? :D
PS Thank you to my friends who have come through and helped me! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I have needed you SO much right now, you were an answer to my prayers!!!!!!! And thank you to my family who have helped me!! Thank you soooooooooooo much!!!
PSS I have left a lot of stuff out that has added to my stress. No need to tell everything that is going on, right? lol
It's really not this huge deal, but it was significant enough that I called the cops and am a little freaked out right now.
Lacie was across the street playing when this little boy, about 4 yrs old, picked up a huge branch from the ground and started whipping her with it. She was trying to hit him back but couldn't reach him cuz that darn branch was so long. Anyway he got her face a good whip and she started screaming and crying like Lacie does. That pissed me off so I yelled, like super loud, "DON'T TOUCH HER!!!!" It freaked him out so he took off running home.
Lacie and Sophie came home and I put them in the bathtub.
Right as they were getting in someone pounded on my door good and loud. So I answered it and there was this short stocky Mexican kid, about 16 yrs old I'm guessing, maybe older, fuming.
He told me that his little brother came home crying to him and saying that Lacie had punched him in the face. I'm like no she didn't. I was standing right outside watching the entire thing. He kept arguing with me saying that Lacie was lying and that his little brother was telling the truth.
There were like 20 or so Mexican kids surrounding our townhome this entire time, and, most of the neighbors were outside standing on their porches watching us.
I've got a mouth on me and where my children are concerned I do NOT put up with any crap at all.
I told him that Lacie is my child and I have every right to defend her and take care of her and when I see anybody beating on my kids I'll yell at them if I want to. He was telling me I had no right to yell at his little brother. I said he had no right coming over here to get in my face about it. He's the brother, not the parent. I told him if his parents didn't like any of it they should come talk to me themselves. I made it clear that I speak Spanish and understand their culture.
He was swearing and yelling and threatening me and the girls. Threatening to kick our a%$'s and other things. I told him he's a very bad example to little kids. It's kids like him that end up in and out of jail and that's a bad example. He was yelling this entire time, not making much sense, just using stupid threatening lines that we've all heard in movies, and said, "so what that I've been in jail?" and was grabbing his crotch and flipping me off when he said it and then was calling me swear words in Spanish and in English.
I noticed that he had a group of che's all hanging around where he came from. They'd slowly started to move towards us from across the street. They were gang signing and so was he and swearing and laughing and pointing at our place.
I shut the door and locked it, of course. Then cuz I couldn't get a hold of Ty (he was at school) I called my dad who told me to call the cops, so I did.
Before the cops came I went next door and asked the Mexican girls there about the kids who had caused these problems. The older one that had been threatening me is named Julio, and the younger one that was whipping Lacie is named Diego. Anyway, they told me that Julio has gotten into lots of trouble with the police and is very scary and dangerous.
The cops went around and asked the neighbors about these kids and they all claimed they didn't know him but saw the little fight and sided with Lacie, of course.
The cop told me that this is common cuz they're just looking after their own butts so they don't get into trouble with these gang-bangers.
So now I'm kinda freaked out. This kid did NOT scare me at all. Not even an ounce. But what does make me nervous is what they are capable of doing when nobody is looking. I'm scared for my girls' safety and for our property that's outside that we have no room for in our small townhome. I'm worried that they come shoot our windows out.
Tyler made a good point. Kids like these have nothing to lose and everything to prove so there's nothing to stop them.
I WANT TO MOVE TO A DECENT NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A DECENT PLACE TO LIVE IN!!!!! I'm seriously sick of living like white-trash around people like this!!!!!!!
So I wanted to write a blog a little bit about me and how I feel and stuff.
While growing up I didn't have many friends. I had a few and I loved them dearly and kept them as close as I can. Those friends were: Molly Hosmer, April, Kristin, Kathy & Karen Subashe, my cousins Emily Hegerhorst and Jeni Hegerhorst, and then later Trina Thompson. I had other good acquaintances and what-not, but no close friends. Especially when I was younger.
I was SO SO skinny that I used to be bullied by family and peers alike. It wasn't my fault and I didn't have an eating disorder. People hated me for it.
I was always made fun of, picked on, devided from everyone else, the brunt of everyone's joke, etc. It was really, really bad.
I was really shy and kept to myself for the most part. Whenever I did talk or laugh I got horribly dirty looks. It was really hard.
Then I moved to Lehi and went to American Fork High school and actually made lots of friends! It was great! I finally had a life and enjoyed it, too.
I was a very good girl. I never even kissed a boy (on purpose) until I was 19 years old!! lol!!
Then I got a scholarship to Utah Valley State College and did really well, except in Spanish! lol. I failed that and half-way through stopped going, esp after the teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class. That was the 2nd time I've been told that in front of a class. It's sooo humiliating and degrading!!
While in college I did Reserve Officer Training Corp which I LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!
I went from not being able to do ONE push-up to doing 200 a day!!! I'd do 100 every morning and 100 every night, EASY. I did 400 sit-ups a day, too.
I joined a community swim team and every morning got up at 4 and picked up one of my best friends, Dori Grange, and we'd go swimming for 2 1/2 hours STRAIGHT with no breaks. That was a great workout!
With another friend I did Kick-boxing and another martial art every other day. That was the best work-out ever!!
Then I went with another friend to the gym 1-2 times A DAY!!
I'd eat salads, donuts, rolls, mashed potatoes, and just plain ol' fiber and protein pastes (YUCK).
I was in SUPERB shape!
I could run up and down Provo canyon no problem at all and then jump into the damn with no breaks, swim out easily, and continue to run.
I could do over 20 pullups in a matter of seconds.
I could live off of only 4 hours of sleep a night and do all of this the next day!
I could go to a dance club allll night long and NEVER get tired at all! I'd dance NON-STOP, no sweat!
I was super flexible, had lots of energy, so much strength, and felt great!
I was doing a little bit of modeling here and there.
Then I got offered a HUGE opportunity!
I was offered to be one of the finalist auditioners to go to LA and audition for the future new hit TV show, Friends. Dead serious! I was told to tell NO ONE for a long time.
When I got my mission call I had to turn it down and my agent was FURIOUS. She yelled and yelled at me.
Then almost 100% of my friends turned their backs on me for deciding to serve a mission.
They'd ridicule me at school, at work, everywhere public and private. It was horrible, but it didn't sway me at all.
So I gave up all my dreams and went on a mission.
I was constantly exhausted on my mission and my periods were getting worse and worse and worse. I'm talking about EXTREME pain here.
Also before my mission I got infected with E-Coli, the BAD and very dangerous and deadly kind. I was the only case that year in the country let alone my state! I had state health dept calling me and the country's health dept calling me and this big ol' investigation made to find the source of my illness.
The pain was more than any I've ever felt. It was like childbirth but worse because the pain was constant.
I couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink or anything.
All my veins collapsed, I was severely dehydrated, and bleeding out of my bum and mouth.
I was hospitalized and the only thing they said they could do for me was drug me up and remove my large colon cuz it was so damaged.
I got a Priesthood blessing and my colon improved that very night so it was saved.
The Morphin I was on didn't make one bit of difference for the pain. I didn't even care if I was naked I hurt so bad.
The doc asked if there was anything he could do for me and I was DEAD SERIOUS when I whispered to him to gut me.
I broke my leg playing soccer and I would rather my worst enemy break both their legs than go through E-Coli!!
After my mission I got a cyst on my ovary caused by Endometriosis and it ruptured and I hemoraged for hours. Stupid doctors didn't help me. I should've gone to the ER.
I ended up having a D&C and then later a Laporoscopic surgery for the Endo.
Since then my health has steadily and increasingly gone down-hill drastically.
Both of my pregnancies were high risk. I almost lost both of them! I won't go into detail but it was very serious and I could NOT work or I'd lose my babies. hardly worth it don't ya think? lol.
I remained really skinny, even after having Lacie. Even while pregnant with Sophie.
I got really sick with Sophie and NOBODY believed me! for FIVE LOOONG MONTHS I was so super suffering. Nobody believed it and just kept saying it was just pregnancy pains. WHATEVER!
Finally after seeing like 8 doctors one referred me to a specialist and they got me right in.
I had Gall Bladder Inflammatory Disease. NOT caused by being over-weight like most cases, or by eating bad, like most cases, or by my age, like most cases. Mine was a VERY RARE case they said.
It was so severe they HAD to take it out while I was pregnant. It was deadly for both Sophie and I to not take it out ASAP.
After I had that out I gained so much weight!
We could never figure out why!
But my body was having a hard time digesting everything.
After that I got Hypothyroidism, which took like 1 1/2 years to figure out, severe Acid Reflux Disease. It was so bad that the acid would go up my throat and into my lungs! They say that pain is like having a serious heart attack. I can vouch for that! It was so severe that I couldn't even dial 911, which I tried to cuz I was sure I was dying.
Then Migraines came on. And more Endometriosis that's caused multiple problems.
And now a severe magnesium deficiency.
I've had mono at least twice now.
And a broken foot I walked on for 3 months without knowing it but suffereing silently. It's not permanantly damaged and hurts every single day of my life.
I got into a car accident that threw my back and pelvis out and broke my right hand, which they didn't believe the jerks.
Also due to family issues (I just have to say it because it's so true) and my health issues and financial issues, I got bad depression. Mostly from Post-Partum. It was so severe I won't even say how bad it was cuz it's just sad and embarrassing. I then got serious Anxiety issues, severe Insomnia, and some paranoyia.
I've been on many medications now.
My weight WILL NOT got down and I've been SO judged by it.
I've been severely exhausted.
I probably have heart disease and my doctor's all want me to get my heart checked but I've had so many other issues come up now that I just have been putting it off.
My teeth are rotting and in super pain but nobody even cares. I'm supposed to get at least one root canal. It's so bad it's given me this rotting stenchy breath!
My Neurologist says that my migraines, if they go untreated, WILL result in a stroke they're so bad and also due to my family medical history.
I have high cholesterole, too.
And now I, about 98% sure, have skin cancer. Not serious kind, but having it none-the-less is NOT cool! I have spots all over my face and head. ONe is growing rapidly and I'll be getting that removed on Monday.
This is NOT fun.
People wonder why I don't work and why I don't exercise and get thin again and seem so negative.
I really am very positive considering all of this and more that I've been through.
There's a reason for everything. And there's a reason for why I suffer through so much. I take it all in stride and I really believe I handle it very well considering.
I have been HARSHLY judged by friends, family and others alike. Still some hate me and stay away from me. They think I make things up or think that I'm a mean or bad person. It's like WHAT???? They do NOT know me at all.
One day all who have talked bad about me, thought bad about me, and treated me bad will regret it. That's a promise. I know in my heart that I am a very good and decent person and they're making mistakes.
Being rejected by family is the hardest, esp when they don't have good reasons, or if they just go by what others have said to them about me that are lies, exagerations, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.
I'm not talking about ONE family in particular, okay?
I'm a good mommy and a good wife and I love my family more than anything else in existence!! I nurture my children and my husband.
I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give them compliments. Like all the time!! I'm very loving and passionate towards them and I listen to them.
I TRY AND DO MY ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!!!
I used to be so top-notch healthy and now look at me. And I'm blamed for it!!
How could anyone blame me for how I am now?? HOW?? It's NOT my fault but my calling in life, obviously.
I don't bring on these problems. They just come. Right after another, and on top of each other.
I now have pneumonia and I'm so exhausted, yet again!
I'm SO grateful for a husband who helps me out so much around the house and with the girls! He might lack compassion or understanding about 99% of the time (thanks to negative things said to him all the time about me), but he does take super good care of my babies and responsibilities around the house and even for me when I ask.
I really realy really hope that this crap will pass!
I'm seriously considering going back to school full-time to do R.O.T.C. again to kick my butt back but I'm afraid that it might kill me. I really am. I know something's wrong with my heart.
The constant pain and pressure I feel on a daily basis. The hard time breathing. The really heavy and hard pounding of my heart beats. The severe exhaustion and NEVER getting enough sleep!!
Even with my CPAP machine for my Sleep Apnea isn't good enough!!
My Sleep Apnea is really bad. I stop breathing from 10 second to over 1 minute at a time, and do this all night long.
I have SEVERELY disturbing and horrifying dreams every time I sleep so I HATE going to sleep.
I mean my dreams are GORRY and horrifying. Doesn't matter what I watch or what I listen to or anything. i've had them almost all my life, but they're getting worse and worse.
They don't scare me so much, they're just very disturbing and I don't understand why I have them.
I have serious anxiety when I have to go around ANY family at all pretty much because of the harsh judgments I've recieved and harsh things that have been said about me and to me. It's really not fair. It's hurt me.
But I am very forgiving and accepting and really really can love EVERYBODY sooooo easily!!
This is good and bad. Bad because it ALWAYS comes back and bites me in the butt! I'm too loving and caring and accepting and trusting.
I trust everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Because of this I am constantly being hurt and disappointed and taken advantage of.
I've made a few bad decisions in my life like everyone else, but only ONE serious choice that I've had to pay the consequences to for years and probably for the rest of Eternity. But I know I've been forgiven.
because of what I've been through I will NEVER EVER EVER forsake the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know for SURE and complete CERTAINTY that it is God's church. I KNOW because of the things I've personally witnessed that are way too sacred to tell anyone except maybe my husband.
So no matter what goes on in my life, or what others say or think about me, or what happens with my health or anything, I know where I stand.
I know my God and his church come FIRST, my family SECOND, myself THIRD, my country FOURTH. And so on and on.
I wish so much that problems people have with me that they'd just LISTEN to me and get to know me by heart and know what type of person I am.
I wish they'd give me a CHANCE.
I'm a very rational, reasonable, and understanding person and am always filled with deep compassion for anyone.
I don't like it when people outright reject Jesus Christ and his Gospel and church, but I still will love everyone despite their beliefs. Even that crappy, dishonest, dark and misleading and lying and scary, evil scary, Obama.
I am very, very confident with my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the church. And I am very VERy confident in my standing with my beliefs and morals and ideas, etc.
I feel so SO bad about how I've been physically. It really is so hard on me when I was SO out there with everything and in such perfect shape and form.
I've NEVER EVER been known to be lazy!
Now I've been told that people think I am because I don't go out and do Tyler's job at being the bread-maker or whatever you call it.
I've been told I'm lazy cuz my house isn't spotless and I'm not gone all day doing things, like working or whatever.
Poeple, if you only knew!!!!!!!!!
I know God does. And in the end that's ALL that matters.
Meantime my life goes on and I'm dealing with it the best way that I can.
I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am NOT seeking pity and attention.
I am NOT trying to embarrass anybody or make anythign worse.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight.
I am NOT whining!!
I'm just sharing and explaining.
I am very open and very sharing because I'm very trusting and believe it's BETTER to be open and honest about everything but that which is SACRED.
Anyway, that is another topic altogether!! lol
Okay, any questions? Comments? Whatever... please write them here on my blog, whoever you are.
Now back to chatting with Amy, one of my best friends 
