Overcome With Emotion

So I realize that a lot of my blog postings are of a negative nature or feeling. I really try not to do that. I really try to be positive, as much as is possible for me anyway.
Well the last two days have been humbling, painful, inspiring, and a learning experience for me.
First, some people will never, ever see what they do wrong. They will never acknowledge when they've done wrong, caused major harm to others, and never will be sorry or repent of it. Either they just don't get it or they actually do mean harm. Or both. I know that someone can do both because both of these reasons came from one and the same person in direct attack against me and my family.
Somebody who was a friend several years ago caused a fight with spreading rumors to all of her friends and it came back to her. She blamed it on everybody else but herself, putting herself as the victim when in fact, she was the instigator and made it worse than it should've been.
Instead of getting an apology for the hurt she caused between many of her friends she retaliated.
Now, years later, when she learned of another friendship I have with someone else she stepped in and made it a point to contact this person and vomit her lies and stories to her about me. Only this time it was horrendous lies and stories that left both Tyler and I shocked beyond words. When it started to sink in after I heard what she'd been saying about me, I broke down and sobbed. She said awful things about some of our family and about my dear Tyler, and about my own little girls. She twisted the very few facts she knew about and added complete and full stories and lies. It was, just, WOW.
To think that somebody can carry a grudge that was self-inflicted for this many years, and then at first chance they have at continuing an attack after so much time, is very unfortunate on many levels.
She has caused my family much harm. And we don't even know the extent of her evil and lying gossiping and we're afraid to ever find out. She went out of her way to try to make our life more miserable than it already was. She possibly ruined a little job I had making a little extra money a month that was paying for a few things like gasoline, food, and some of my medication. But now it's gone, and it's hard not to blame it on this person.

I learned that when you give someone an extra chance that has lied and gossiped in the past that you are taking a great risk.
There is a difference between forgiveness and befriending someone who's caused serious harm. You can forgive someone but that does not mean you have to be friends with that person or even ever talk to them again. You don't have to have any contact at all and still forgive them. Here's how you do it. You forgive and never forget. And that's not wrong. The Lord never, ever told us to forgive AND forget. Only HE does this for us. He has commanded us to forgive all men their "trespasses", even 70x7 times that they offend you. But he has never commanded us to forget what they've done.
There's a saying, and I know I have this wrong so correct me here, but it goes something like this:
"Fool me once, shame on YOU. Fool me twice, shame on ME".
Well, I learned this first hand over the last 3 days. And it hit me HARD. And my family. It has caused irreversible damage. It's going to take me a while to completely forgive this confused, deranged person for what they've done to me and my family. But I will eventually. But I will never, ever have anything to do with them again. And may God forgive her for what she's done.

Also the last 2 days I have been in a lot of pain, physically. It comes in waves, but it's almost constant. My I.C. has flared up and it's almost more than I can bear. I can understand how untreated I.C. can land someone in a wheelchair and bedridden. I can barely move, barely walk, and it's seriously like I'm in labor plus a tearing, sharp pain. I feel like broken glass is being mixed in my pelvis. Just remember that Interstitial Cystitis is NOT caused by weight, it's 100% INCURABLE so please people stop telling me to lose weight and it'd go away. Even eating "right" won't heal it. Nor will exercise. Believe me. There are thousands of people who've tried all of this. It flares up from time to time. The cause is unknown, and there is little treatment for it. I do need medication for it. 3 pills a day. But 1 pill is around 150.00 a month, another is around 65 a month and I didn't figure out the 3rd one cuz I was too disgusted and discouraged with the first two prices. We don't have insurance or any money for this. So I suffer. And I don't get much compassion for it. I wish I could do something about it, but I cannot.
It's like telling someone who has MS or type 1 diabetes to "suck it up" or "lose weight and you'll get better" or "eat right and it won't bother you", etc. um WRONG.
So yeah, I've been in a LOT of pain.
The reason why I brought this up and talked forever about it is that there is something about pain that can bring one to being humble.
I find it interesting that the same weekend that this enemy of ours attacked us again was the same weekend my I.C. has flared up, and also the same weekend as General Conference.
I tell you what it's made me extremely emotional. Crying over being hurt by someone's poisonous vomit called gossip, then hurting from my disease flaring up, then feeling the spirit in huge overwhelming waves has caused a lot of different emotions to surface for me.
But, through all of this, it's humbled me a little bit, just enough to sit and listen to our Prophets & Apostles and soak up their profoundly inspired messages to the world; to me.

I was very touched this weekend with a feeling of peace and calm, of love and patience. Of understanding. Of hope and healing. I am grateful for the trials that I have gone through.
Not that I'd do it all over again (HAHAHA) but that they've taught me more than I could have ever learned in any other way. They've really humbled me; softened me! They've made me rely on my testimony and on Jesus Christ.
I've been tested in so many ways.
My testimony was tested on many different levels. My loyalty was tested, my understanding, patience, endurance, faith, stability, strength. And more that I am sure that I do not even realize.

I have found that I do not waver in my testimony. I questioned some things for a time, for sure, but I cannot deny what I know to be true and what I've seen my whole life and more importantly, what the power of God has spoken to me through the Spirit. Everything always brings me back to what I know to be true. It all brings me back to truth, to hope, to faith. And I don't give up. I can't. No matter what happens, I just cannot give up or give in.

There is a lesson to be learned in everything.
Whether you're the victim or the instigator. Whether you're wrong or right. Whether you're being very tried or the one watching someone else being tried. There's always something important to be learned.

I just hope that I can continue to see the lessons in all that we have been going through and have yet to go through.

Meantime I'm sure I'll do some more crying until this weekend is completely over and my physical pain lets up, and I can officially get over the immense pain that this old "friend" of mine caused, and hopefully I'll never stop crying over the powerful influences of the Spirit of God that touches my life every single day.

The Reason for the Pain

I went to my Euro-Gyn today for the 3rd time. The last time I went he put a camera in my bladder (not recommended as past-time entertainment).
Today he told me I have Interstitial Cystitis. It's a non-curable disease of the bladder.
I also have Endometriosis in the bladder, as presumed.
So no wonder for all the pain!!
Now I have 3 more meds to add to my daily routine of medications. Not sure if I can afford them so it just may have to sit on the back burner along with my Acid Reflux meds. I'm pretty darn sure I'm getting an ulcer because of the untreated Reflux. The pain is getting more intense than I care to admit.
The bladder disease I have is incurable and will need to be operated on in the future. He told me they don't know what causes it or if it's inherent but that those who have Hypothyroidism and Endometriosis tend to get it, but not always, they're just linked somehow and they don't know how.
Pretty much my bladder can't hold as much as a normal persons, I'm more inclined to frequent infections and I can't go see my reg doc for those, I have to be tested via catheter YIPEEEEE!!!!!
The disease explains the pain I have, and it's pretty narly pain. Certain foods and drink aggravate it as well, and the list is kinda big of foods and drinks to avoid. Not sure if I'll be able to stick to that. A couple of the things on the list are lemons and tomatoes. I LOVE these two foods!!!
Anyway, I could go into detail on what this disease entails and what it's done to my bladder but instead I'll just provide a link for y'all to read yourselves.
He didn't remove the Endometriosis from my bladder because he said it wasn't necessary. It does cause pain so whatever.
Okay so click on the words above to see what they're about to understand me, k?

Also, another interesting thought. I'm really kinda grateful that Tyler's truck broke down when we were together and during the day because if not it would've broken down while Tyler was at work! That's in the middle of the night and his phone doesn't work. He'd be completely stranded and there wouldn't be a store open to help. It would've been BAD. So that was a blessing! It had to happen regardless, so thank God that it happened when and where it did!

Okay now back to "mothering" my sinus and ear infections and sore throat and aching belly

Spent the day in the E.R.

Okay so I think a couple of you are curious as to why I was in the Emergency Room all day yesterday.

I've been in pain for about 3 months now when I go potty and sometimes doing other things. Like LOTS and LOTS of pain. It feels like my insides are ripping out when I go.

And my stomach and lower abdomen have been hurting pretty darn bad, too.

I can't go see my reg doc cuz we owe him too much so I went to the E.R.
They gave me anti-nausea medicine, pain killers stronger than Morphin, and a cat scan with dye in my blood and dye I swallowed. It was some NASTY crap!!

The pain meds did something soooo weird to me, though. Besides making me tired and NOT loopy, they hurt my upper abdomen/chest soooooooooo bad!!!!! The pain was awful!! My blood pressure went from 106 to 134 in a matter of seconds after getting the pain meds injected into my IV. WOW it hurt! I could hardly talk and couldn't move. It sucked!

Anyway, the cat scan results came back normal, thank goodness!

What my pain is is from cysts inside and outside my ovaries (which hurt bad in and of themselves) and scar tissue from my surgeries and endometriosis spreading onto my other organs.

So,

I have to have another surgery for my Endo and for the PCOS I have borderline of.

Now I have Lortab to take when needed (thank goodness for that! It barely does much for me, though, the pain is so intense), and I'll need to find a specialist who doesn't want to give me a full hystorectomy but who will help me so I can get pregnant again and feel better.

Okay, time to go help Tyler with the screaming girls! Ugh!! lol

A Personal Update... & Daniel's HOME!!!!!

He’s Home!!!!! among other things....

So my little brother, Daniel, just got back from his mission that he served faithfully and successfully in Milan, Italy!!! YAY!!!!

We all drove to the airport at 12:30am and waiting not too long for Dannerdeem to get off the plain! It was so cute cuz Lacie could remember him and just smiled and smiled at him! Sophie recognized him but she was SO SHY! She kept hiding her face. It was so cute!

As soon as I saw him I started to cry!!! AAAHH!!!! My mom ran up to him like a crazy-lady and threw herself on him crying. It was so sweet and special and exciting. Then my sister was right behind her and my dad then me. I was carrying my darling fire-ball niece, Maddison, Erik's 1 yr old, and had both my beautiful girls with me, too. They saw him next.

We all took some pics at the airport with other families and of returned missionaries from Daniel's mission and around there.

Now get this, their flight WAS supposed to come in at 7:30 pm!! Wow so we waited forever!!! We helped clean and decorate mom's house for him, too.

Also, we've reheared (for like 10 minutes TOPS, as usual) to play in Andrea's single's ward Christmas program. Me violin, Andrea viola, Erik cello, mom cello, and Dad, Tyler, Glenn, Daniel, Michael & Joshua all singing. Our rehearsals are VERY INTERESTING. There is a lot of major goofing off that goes on and yelling, too!! hahaha. We have a blast. And we're all LOUD! haha. And we usually sound really super crappy when we rehearse, but then when it comes time to perform we all do pretty good, I think. I mean, people in Lehi always ask us to play for church and wedding stuff, so we must not suck, right? I'm just so glad Tyler is going to sing this time!! He has a GREAT voice, but he's so shy with it! LOL

Okay, so we've been sooooo busy getting ready for Daniel and now we're having parties for him. It's so exciting!! We haven't seen him for TWO YEARS!!! So if any of you feel like we've deserted you for this very special occassion, we're sorry. Tyler and I both decided this took priority over other events and what-not.... but family and friends are not forgotten.
Okay, back to "other things" lol.

So I'm having "health issues" AGAIN. Actually have been for a little while, just been trying to ignore them. Though, when it comes down to it all, after seeing a doc, I'm thinking my "issues" are just something like Irritable Bowel Syndrome or my Gastritis (which I know I have already) flaring up with my Endometriosis and my Thyroid hormone levels changing again. BLAH. I hate this. It's so annoying. I take 5 pills a day now, and will be taking 1-2 more a day now. I'm 30! Not 50 or 60!! Sheeeesh!! lol

So I had MAJOR stomach cramping the other day. Every time I eat my stomach bloats up HUGE and I look very super pregnant. It's so uncomfortable! I find it funny when people look at me thinking I'm pregnant and smile. It's hilarious. They think, "aww, a pregnant lady!!" and I think, "aw, they think I'm pregnant! hahahaha".

We went to see A Christmas Carol put on by the Grooms family that used to own and run CEnter Street mUscial Theater that we used to play in the orchestra pit for and act in's last performance EVER. It was sad!! I mean, it was GOOD, but we were all sad that it's all over now! Anyway, afterward Sharalyn Grooms, the mommy, thought I was preggo and poked my belly. hahahahahaha!!!!! I thought it was so funny!! I should've said, "ooh! ooh!" like the PIllsbury Dough Boy but I didn't want to embarrass her further when I said, "nope, I'm not!". She's had 7 kids and had a tummy tuck a couple years back she told me. That'll probably be me, too. My mom HAS to have one cuz her belly's herniated severely!!! She's SUPER skinny, but has that poky-outy-belly. poor mom!! She's in her 50's and people STILL ask if she's pregnant!!! lol
Okay, anyway, back to my tummy pain.

So it was sooooo bad I couldn't move at all. I was extremely nauseated. Here's the deal. I CANNOT throw up. You think lucky me? NO WAY!!!! Not being able to throw up is WORSE than throwing up. I know, cuz I've done both! lol. My stomach hurts and cramps seriously and severely because I cannot throwup to relieve the crampiness or nausea like most people do. I'm sure I had the stomach flu, but it was soooo amplified by my Acid Reflux and my Gastritis.

Anyway, by the end of that one day I coudln't move, I hadn't eaten ANYTHING or drank ANYTHIGN. I could not. I was soooo sick. Wow yeah. So I went into the InstaCare cuz I just couldn't function. They did blood work on me to see if it's a Peptic Ulcer. I would not be surprised.... but I haven't heard back from them, so I'm guessing it's not. The doc said I have to see my regular doc to get an Endoscopy to see if I have stomach cancer or pancreatic cancer.

Pancreatic Cancer is more likely he said because of having my gall bladder removed at a young age for being DISEASED and not contaminated like most people's are. I was skinny, young, and female, which made my gall bladder disease very very rare. And a lot more serious. They warned me that having it removed will increase my chances for having stomach or pancreatic cancer by like 20-30% more likely. Plus my acid reflux doesn't help that much, either. And all the meds I take. And the endometriosis.

BUT, I think I'm okay. I can feel something's wrong... but I'm sure it's not serious, just annoying. It's probably Irritable Bowel Syndrome or just all my other illnesses really acting up due to the stress I've been under. That's very likely.

Oh, and still not pregnant. BUMMER. I'll be starting Clomid soon to hopefully induce pregnancy, which will increase my chances of having twins, which I DO hope I have! I want more than 2 kids! 2 kids are not enough!! I want at least 4 kids!!

Let's see, what else.

Oh, Lacie gets to start piano lessons soon! I'm sooooooo excited!!!!! I think she'll do great! I did teach her violin lessons when she was 3 for a few months or a year and she did really well for her age. I am almost Suzuki Instructor Certified (have to finish some practice hours training then I'll be ligit) but it was fun practicing with Lacie. I'm sure we'll get her started up when we can afford the violin rental again. Or cello. Or whatever else she'd like to play.

Ummm..... what else.

OH! I now am a Mary Kay Constultant!!! I'm dead serious about this now because I tried doing it YEARS ago but had horrible team members and NO training or anyting!! Plus, I was just getting engaged then married and having LOTS of family problems and trials, a very sick pregnancy that was high-risk, and many, many other problems, so I could not do it. Anyway, I wanna let any of you know that like Mary Kay products or want to try any that you can contact me. For family I'll give a discount. OKAY OKAY for some friends I might, too . But if anyone wants to host a party for me to practice with I'd LOVE it!! I'll give you a prize, do all the inviting, and set the whole darned thing up!!! So let me know, ? And you won't have to buy anything and I won't expect you to, either. (though that WOULD be nice cuz it'll help us out, but that's okay if not!!).

And, I'm seriously considering going to dental school... or at least getting a certificate to be a Dental ASsistent. Cool, eh? I'd be working with my cousin from my mom's side and with my cousin from my dad's side's girlfriend!! WEird, eh? Tyler's excited for me.

OH!!! AND, I get to be on a website for Jed Knudsen being a Website "celebrity" by working for clients... go to http://www.websitetalkingheads.com to see what it is exactly that I'll be doing. Jed called me personally to ask me to work for him!! YIPEEEE!!! It really pays to have connections!! I will make upwards of 1500.00 to 2000.00 or more a month!! YAY!!!!! And that's doing very, very little. I'm so stoked! So excited!!

Oh, Jed's kinda a famous guy. First, he did my photos for Mrs Utah United States Pageant, our temple sealing day photos, and several LDS themed movies. Just look him up. Jed Knudsen. He did "People Say The Darndest Things About Mormon's", among other things. And a Craig Swapp ad like I did. And other movies. Anyway, he and I swear we know each other from some other time but cannot remember for the life of us!!! hahaha. I don't know if he realizes I've gained so much weight since he saw me last, BUT, maybe he saw me on TV and thought I'd be okay anyway. So yeah, I think i t'll be really fun.

Okay, what else. (I know, that's getting redundant!!)

Oh, Tyler's stressed super super super bad!!!! well, me too obviously or my body wouldn't be freaking out like it is LOL. We apparently owe MORE than $10,000.00 in medical debt. Oh sure, that might sound like a small or reasonable amount of money, nothing big, to lots of people, but to US, it's HUGE and impossible to pay off. That's not our only debt, either. Credit cards were a NECESSITY to pay for gasoline, food, clothing, etc.
And then there were some stupid debts we accrued, but nothing huge, just little things here and there. We've been harshly judged in the past and people think we've spent our money foolishly and are not paying for it. Um, look at our medical debt. That's not our fault at all. Come to our house and see what we own. OLD and used furniture, and PAID for table & chairs, etc. We aren't as foolish as many of you think, honestly.
Okay, enough of that!!

Right now we feel soooooo bad that we can't help others with their Christmas!! If any of you need or would like to know some who NEED help this year here are a few:
Kristen & Kevin Lanier (just had a new baby). Tau & Mollee Suafo'a (having a new baby any day or already did). Joe & Regina Pearson. My parents & siblings. Michelle Wolfert's and her girls.

And I'm sure there are more that I just can't think of at this time. hee hee. I'm sure this'll embarrass them, but they need help.
Normally we'd be buying more for others than for ourselves. We've needed food and other necesities, but this year Christmas is good. It's worked out. We're really excited!! I wish we could get stuff for all the people I mentioned above!! I wish that the wealthy people we know would have some charity to help, too. It's sad. I know soooooo many WEALTHY people who pretend they aren't wealthy or cry they're poor or think they make "normal" amounts of money but in reality they're very wealthy and won't help anyone cuz they blame everyone for their own circumstances and blah blah blah.
Wow I have a really tender and sore spot there about that. AFter all, my parents and us have been GREATLY misjudged by friends and family alike where the finances are concerned.

You know we went to a special place to see if we could consolidate our debt and after reviewing everything three times they said "the only hope for you guys is to either stop paying your tithing and eventually get your debt paid down until we can help you or file bankruptcy". Wow, that was a kick in the gut. So we feel kinda helpless about our situation, but we are not losing hope!! No way Jose!!!! We believe we can get ourselves out of this!! We're both going to do our very best to do that. Even if we end up losing everything while getting there!!!

Okay, I want you all to know that I love Tyler will alllll of my heart, soul and mind. I love my beautiful girls as much but in different and in some similar ways. I love all my family, even if some of them hate me (which some of said they do, immature jerks), and I love all my friends. I have a testimony of God's love for me and my family and of everyone. I have a testimony of God's church & kingdom. I love Christmas and am very excited for it. It's a beautiful time of year for so many reasons! I used to be a true-blue Scrooge!! But thank you Tyler, you saved me!

LOL. I am happy, and doing my best, and growing and learning and trying to be my best. If you are offended by anything I say or do, well, that's your problem for being offended (hee hee hee). I cannot please everyone and I've wasted too much of my life trying to do so to the extent that I was trying at. Of course I'll always be a people-pleaser. God made me that way for a reason, and a good one at that I am sure, but I'm not going to kill myself trying to please EVERYONE, especially those that just can never be satisfied.

WOW am I long-winded this morning!!! It's probably cuz I'm taking an Oxycodone thanks to my arthritis and cramps and BAD tummy pains, but eh, whatever!!!

Oh, guess what I ate today? I had 1/2 of an Arby's melt and like 3 curly fries before I felt like I was going to die and puke while doing so, then later finished the rest. That's it. Yeps. All I could handle today. Food is gross. YUCK!!! hahaha.

okay, this is soooo long I highly doubt anybody read this!!! Maybe Kathy & Kimberley did... Amy MIGHT, but I'm sure she's going to be SUPER SUPER busy thanks to coming to Utah to visit (HALLELUIA!!) and Aunt Kay might, if she checks this.... but otherwise, eh, oh well. This was mostly for me, anyway. But I love you all!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!