A Personal Blog About ME

So I wanted to write a blog a little bit about me and how I feel and stuff.

While growing up I didn't have many friends. I had a few and I loved them dearly and kept them as close as I can. Those friends were: Molly Hosmer, April, Kristin, Kathy & Karen Subashe, my cousins Emily Hegerhorst and Jeni Hegerhorst, and then later Trina Thompson. I had other good acquaintances and what-not, but no close friends. Especially when I was younger.
I was SO SO skinny that I used to be bullied by family and peers alike. It wasn't my fault and I didn't have an eating disorder. People hated me for it.

I was always made fun of, picked on, devided from everyone else, the brunt of everyone's joke, etc. It was really, really bad.
I was really shy and kept to myself for the most part. Whenever I did talk or laugh I got horribly dirty looks. It was really hard.

Then I moved to Lehi and went to American Fork High school and actually made lots of friends! It was great! I finally had a life and enjoyed it, too.
I was a very good girl. I never even kissed a boy (on purpose) until I was 19 years old!! lol!!

Then I got a scholarship to Utah Valley State College and did really well, except in Spanish! lol. I failed that and half-way through stopped going, esp after the teacher called me stupid in front of the entire class. That was the 2nd time I've been told that in front of a class. It's sooo humiliating and degrading!!

While in college I did Reserve Officer Training Corp which I LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!
I went from not being able to do ONE push-up to doing 200 a day!!! I'd do 100 every morning and 100 every night, EASY. I did 400 sit-ups a day, too.
I joined a community swim team and every morning got up at 4 and picked up one of my best friends, Dori Grange, and we'd go swimming for 2 1/2 hours STRAIGHT with no breaks. That was a great workout!
With another friend I did Kick-boxing and another martial art every other day. That was the best work-out ever!!
Then I went with another friend to the gym 1-2 times A DAY!!
I'd eat salads, donuts, rolls, mashed potatoes, and just plain ol' fiber and protein pastes (YUCK).
I was in SUPERB shape!
I could run up and down Provo canyon no problem at all and then jump into the damn with no breaks, swim out easily, and continue to run.
I could do over 20 pullups in a matter of seconds.
I could live off of only 4 hours of sleep a night and do all of this the next day!
I could go to a dance club allll night long and NEVER get tired at all! I'd dance NON-STOP, no sweat!
I was super flexible, had lots of energy, so much strength, and felt great!
I was doing a little bit of modeling here and there.

Then I got offered a HUGE opportunity!
I was offered to be one of the finalist auditioners to go to LA and audition for the future new hit TV show, Friends. Dead serious! I was told to tell NO ONE for a long time.
When I got my mission call I had to turn it down and my agent was FURIOUS. She yelled and yelled at me.
Then almost 100% of my friends turned their backs on me for deciding to serve a mission.
They'd ridicule me at school, at work, everywhere public and private. It was horrible, but it didn't sway me at all.
So I gave up all my dreams and went on a mission.

I was constantly exhausted on my mission and my periods were getting worse and worse and worse. I'm talking about EXTREME pain here.
Also before my mission I got infected with E-Coli, the BAD and very dangerous and deadly kind. I was the only case that year in the country let alone my state! I had state health dept calling me and the country's health dept calling me and this big ol' investigation made to find the source of my illness.
The pain was more than any I've ever felt. It was like childbirth but worse because the pain was constant.
I couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink or anything.
All my veins collapsed, I was severely dehydrated, and bleeding out of my bum and mouth.
I was hospitalized and the only thing they said they could do for me was drug me up and remove my large colon cuz it was so damaged.
I got a Priesthood blessing and my colon improved that very night so it was saved.
The Morphin I was on didn't make one bit of difference for the pain. I didn't even care if I was naked I hurt so bad.
The doc asked if there was anything he could do for me and I was DEAD SERIOUS when I whispered to him to gut me.
I broke my leg playing soccer and I would rather my worst enemy break both their legs than go through E-Coli!!
After my mission I got a cyst on my ovary caused by Endometriosis and it ruptured and I hemoraged for hours. Stupid doctors didn't help me. I should've gone to the ER.
I ended up having a D&C and then later a Laporoscopic surgery for the Endo.
Since then my health has steadily and increasingly gone down-hill drastically.

Both of my pregnancies were high risk. I almost lost both of them! I won't go into detail but it was very serious and I could NOT work or I'd lose my babies. hardly worth it don't ya think? lol.

I remained really skinny, even after having Lacie. Even while pregnant with Sophie.
I got really sick with Sophie and NOBODY believed me! for FIVE LOOONG MONTHS I was so super suffering. Nobody believed it and just kept saying it was just pregnancy pains. WHATEVER!
Finally after seeing like 8 doctors one referred me to a specialist and they got me right in.
I had Gall Bladder Inflammatory Disease. NOT caused by being over-weight like most cases, or by eating bad, like most cases, or by my age, like most cases. Mine was a VERY RARE case they said.
It was so severe they HAD to take it out while I was pregnant. It was deadly for both Sophie and I to not take it out ASAP.

After I had that out I gained so much weight!
We could never figure out why!
But my body was having a hard time digesting everything.

After that I got Hypothyroidism, which took like 1 1/2 years to figure out, severe Acid Reflux Disease. It was so bad that the acid would go up my throat and into my lungs! They say that pain is like having a serious heart attack. I can vouch for that! It was so severe that I couldn't even dial 911, which I tried to cuz I was sure I was dying.
Then Migraines came on. And more Endometriosis that's caused multiple problems.
And now a severe magnesium deficiency.
I've had mono at least twice now.
And a broken foot I walked on for 3 months without knowing it but suffereing silently. It's not permanantly damaged and hurts every single day of my life.
I got into a car accident that threw my back and pelvis out and broke my right hand, which they didn't believe the jerks.

Also due to family issues (I just have to say it because it's so true) and my health issues and financial issues, I got bad depression. Mostly from Post-Partum. It was so severe I won't even say how bad it was cuz it's just sad and embarrassing. I then got serious Anxiety issues, severe Insomnia, and some paranoyia.

I've been on many medications now.
My weight WILL NOT got down and I've been SO judged by it.

I've been severely exhausted.
I probably have heart disease and my doctor's all want me to get my heart checked but I've had so many other issues come up now that I just have been putting it off.

My teeth are rotting and in super pain but nobody even cares. I'm supposed to get at least one root canal. It's so bad it's given me this rotting stenchy breath!

My Neurologist says that my migraines, if they go untreated, WILL result in a stroke they're so bad and also due to my family medical history.
I have high cholesterole, too.

And now I, about 98% sure, have skin cancer. Not serious kind, but having it none-the-less is NOT cool! I have spots all over my face and head. ONe is growing rapidly and I'll be getting that removed on Monday.

This is NOT fun.

People wonder why I don't work and why I don't exercise and get thin again and seem so negative.
I really am very positive considering all of this and more that I've been through.

There's a reason for everything. And there's a reason for why I suffer through so much. I take it all in stride and I really believe I handle it very well considering.

I have been HARSHLY judged by friends, family and others alike. Still some hate me and stay away from me. They think I make things up or think that I'm a mean or bad person. It's like WHAT???? They do NOT know me at all.

One day all who have talked bad about me, thought bad about me, and treated me bad will regret it. That's a promise. I know in my heart that I am a very good and decent person and they're making mistakes.
Being rejected by family is the hardest, esp when they don't have good reasons, or if they just go by what others have said to them about me that are lies, exagerations, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.
I'm not talking about ONE family in particular, okay?

I'm a good mommy and a good wife and I love my family more than anything else in existence!! I nurture my children and my husband.
I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give them compliments. Like all the time!! I'm very loving and passionate towards them and I listen to them.

I TRY AND DO MY ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!!!

I used to be so top-notch healthy and now look at me. And I'm blamed for it!!

How could anyone blame me for how I am now?? HOW?? It's NOT my fault but my calling in life, obviously.
I don't bring on these problems. They just come. Right after another, and on top of each other.

I now have pneumonia and I'm so exhausted, yet again!

I'm SO grateful for a husband who helps me out so much around the house and with the girls! He might lack compassion or understanding about 99% of the time (thanks to negative things said to him all the time about me), but he does take super good care of my babies and responsibilities around the house and even for me when I ask.

I really realy really hope that this crap will pass!
I'm seriously considering going back to school full-time to do R.O.T.C. again to kick my butt back but I'm afraid that it might kill me. I really am. I know something's wrong with my heart.
The constant pain and pressure I feel on a daily basis. The hard time breathing. The really heavy and hard pounding of my heart beats. The severe exhaustion and NEVER getting enough sleep!!
Even with my CPAP machine for my Sleep Apnea isn't good enough!!

My Sleep Apnea is really bad. I stop breathing from 10 second to over 1 minute at a time, and do this all night long.

I have SEVERELY disturbing and horrifying dreams every time I sleep so I HATE going to sleep.
I mean my dreams are GORRY and horrifying. Doesn't matter what I watch or what I listen to or anything. i've had them almost all my life, but they're getting worse and worse.

They don't scare me so much, they're just very disturbing and I don't understand why I have them.

I have serious anxiety when I have to go around ANY family at all pretty much because of the harsh judgments I've recieved and harsh things that have been said about me and to me. It's really not fair. It's hurt me.

But I am very forgiving and accepting and really really can love EVERYBODY sooooo easily!!
This is good and bad. Bad because it ALWAYS comes back and bites me in the butt! I'm too loving and caring and accepting and trusting.
I trust everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Because of this I am constantly being hurt and disappointed and taken advantage of.

I've made a few bad decisions in my life like everyone else, but only ONE serious choice that I've had to pay the consequences to for years and probably for the rest of Eternity. But I know I've been forgiven.

because of what I've been through I will NEVER EVER EVER forsake the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know for SURE and complete CERTAINTY that it is God's church. I KNOW because of the things I've personally witnessed that are way too sacred to tell anyone except maybe my husband.

So no matter what goes on in my life, or what others say or think about me, or what happens with my health or anything, I know where I stand.
I know my God and his church come FIRST, my family SECOND, myself THIRD, my country FOURTH. And so on and on.

I wish so much that problems people have with me that they'd just LISTEN to me and get to know me by heart and know what type of person I am.
I wish they'd give me a CHANCE.
I'm a very rational, reasonable, and understanding person and am always filled with deep compassion for anyone.

I don't like it when people outright reject Jesus Christ and his Gospel and church, but I still will love everyone despite their beliefs. Even that crappy, dishonest, dark and misleading and lying and scary, evil scary, Obama.

I am very, very confident with my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the church. And I am very VERy confident in my standing with my beliefs and morals and ideas, etc.

I feel so SO bad about how I've been physically. It really is so hard on me when I was SO out there with everything and in such perfect shape and form.
I've NEVER EVER been known to be lazy!
Now I've been told that people think I am because I don't go out and do Tyler's job at being the bread-maker or whatever you call it.
I've been told I'm lazy cuz my house isn't spotless and I'm not gone all day doing things, like working or whatever.
Poeple, if you only knew!!!!!!!!!

I know God does. And in the end that's ALL that matters.

Meantime my life goes on and I'm dealing with it the best way that I can.

I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am NOT seeking pity and attention.
I am NOT trying to embarrass anybody or make anythign worse.
I am NOT trying to pick a fight.
I am NOT whining!!

I'm just sharing and explaining.

I am very open and very sharing because I'm very trusting and believe it's BETTER to be open and honest about everything but that which is SACRED.
Anyway, that is another topic altogether!! lol

Okay, any questions? Comments? Whatever... please write them here on my blog, whoever you are.

Now back to chatting with Amy, one of my best friends

MeEeEee :)

So I went to the doctor today. I love my doctor! He's the best ever!! I've seen so many doctors and he's so smart and LISTENS and EXPLAINS things and is so good.
So I went today for this little bump/spot on my forehead. I had my brother in law look at it who's pretty much a P.A. now and he said to get it checked.
It's been buggin me and growing super super fast. Well, faster than I would expect a spot to grow. LOL!
It's not very big but it is very noticeable. It's reddish and very raised and growing out in two directions and it scabs over every other day and sometimes it itches. It's just really irritating and I don't like people looking at it. That bugs me.
Also I've had this nagging cough for a while now. Ever since I was really sick with Influenza.
Okay so he looked me over and said I have Walking Pneumonia and I probably have Basal Cell Cancer.
Great, huh?
Yep, I, Lisa, get NO breaks where health stuff is concerned!
So I have a couple of medications to take for the Pneumonia. One is an antibiotic and the other is a cold medicine to help me sleep at night.
And on Monday I go back to have this spot/bump taken off my face and biopsied to be sure that's what it is, though the doc is like 98% sure it is.
I also have a Magnesium deficiency, probably, that's been causing my paralysis and muscle spasms and contractions, weakness and delayed relaxation. So I have to take Magnesium. Not a biggie, just another pill to add to my daily stash. hahaha!!
So read the links I inserted here to know what these are exactly and they'll explain it pretty good.
Love to you all! Oh, and I am NOT having a pity party.

Prophesy or Deja Vu?

I recommend everyone reading this article by Pat Dollard, author,
professor and historian.

Prophesy or Deja vu
by Pat Dollard

I am a student of history. Professionally, I have written 15 books in
six languages, and have studied it all my life. I think there is
something monumentally large afoot, and I do not believe it is just a
banking crisis, or a mortgage crisis, or a credit crisis. Yes these
exist, but they are merely single facets on a very large gemstone that
is only now coming into a sharper focus.

Something of historic proportions is happening. I can sense it because I
know how it feels, smells, what it looks like, and how people react to
it.

Yes, a perfect storm may be brewing, but there is something happening
within our country that has been evolving for about ten - fifteen years.
The pace has dramatically quickened in the past two.

We demand and then codify into law the requirement that our banks make
massive loans to people we know they can never pay back? Why?

We learn just days ago that the Federal Reserve, which has little or no
real oversight by anyone, has "loaned" two trillion dollars (that is
$2,000,000,000,000) over the past few months, but will not tell us to
whom or why or disclose the terms. That is our money. Yours and mine.
And that is three times the $700B we all argued about so strenuously
just this past September. Who has this money? Why do they have it? Why
are the terms unavailable to us? Who asked for it? Who authorized it? I
thought this was a government of "we the people," who loaned our powers
to our elected leaders. Apparently not.

We have spent two or more decades intentionally de-industrializing our
economy. Why?

We have intentionally dumbed down our schools, ignored our history, and
no longer teach our founding documents, why we are exceptional, and why
we are worth preserving. Students by and large cannot write, think
critically, read, or articulate. Parents are not revolting, teachers are
not picketing, school boards continue to back mediocrity. Why?

We have now established the precedent of protesting every close election
(now violently in California over a proposition that is so controversial
that it wants marriage to remain between one man and one woman. Did you
ever think such a thing possible just a decade ago? We have corrupted
our sacred political process by allowing unelected judges to write laws
that radically change our way of life, and then mainstream Marxist
groups like ACORN and others to turn our voting system into a banana
republic. To what purpose?

Now our mortgage industry is collapsing, housing prices are in free
fall, major industries are failing, our banking system is on the verge
of collapse, social security is nearly bankrupt, as is Medicare and our
entire government, our education system is worse than a joke (I teach
college and know precisely what I am talking about) - the list is
staggering in its length, breadth, and depth. It is potentially 1929 x
ten. And we are at war with an enemy we cannot name for fear of
offending people of the same religion, who cannot wait to slit the
throats of your children if they have the opportunity to do so.

And now we have elected a man no one knows anything about, who has never
run so much as a Dairy Queen, let alone a town as big as Wasilla,
Alaska. All of his associations and alliances are with real radicals in
their chosen fields of employment, and everything we learn about him,
drip by drip, is unsettling if not downright scary (Surely you have
heard him speak about his idea to create and fund a mandatory civilian
defense force stronger than our military for use inside our borders? No?
Oh of course. The media would never play that for you over and over and
then demand he answer it. Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter and $150,000
wardrobe is more important.) Five (and counting) sitting members of his
cabinet are recently convicted (or admitted) tax cheats!

Mr. Obama's winning platform can be boiled down to one word: Change. Why?

I have never been so afraid for my country and for my children as I am
now. This man campaigned on bringing people together, something he has
never, ever done in his professional life. In my assessment, Obama will
divide us along philosophical lines, push us apart, and then try to
realign the pieces into a new and different power structure. Change is
indeed coming. And when it comes, you will never see the same nation
again. And that is only the beginning.

And I thought I would never be able to experience what the ordinary,
moral German felt in the mid-1930's. In those times, the savior was a
former smooth-talking rabble-rouser from the streets, about whom the
average German knew next to nothing. What they did know was that he was
associated with groups that shouted, shoved, and pushed around people
with whom they disagreed; he edged his way onto the political stage
through great oratory. Conservative "losers" read it right now.

And promises. Economic times were tough, people were losing jobs, and he
was a great speaker. And he smiled and waved a lot. And people, even
newspapers, were afraid to speak out for fear that his "brown shirts"
would bully them into submission. And then, he was duly elected to
office, a full-throttled economic crisis at hand [the Great Depression].
Slowly but surely he seized the controls of government power, department
by department, person by person, bureaucracy by bureaucracy.

The kids joined a Youth Movement in his name, where they were taught
what to think. How did he get the people on his side? He did it
promising jobs to the jobless, money to the money less, and goodies for
the military-industrial complex. He did it by indoctrinating the
children, advocating gun control, health care for all, better wages,
better jobs, and promising to re-instill pride once again in the
country, across Europe, and across the world.

He did it with a compliant media - did you know that? And he did this
all in the name of justice and.... change. And the people surely got
what they voted for. (Look it up if you think I am exaggerating.) Read
your history books. Many people objected in 1933 and were shouted down,
called names, laughed at, and made fun of. When Winston Churchill
pointed out the obvious in the late 1930's while seated in the House of
Lords in England (he was not yet Prime Minister), he was booed into his
seat and called a crazy troublemaker. He was right, though.

Don't forget that Germany was the most educated, cultured country in
Europe. It was full of music, art, museums, hospitals, laboratories, and
universities. And in less than six years ~ a shorter time span than just
two terms of the U. S. presidency - it was rounding up its own citizens,
killing others, abrogating its laws, turning children against parents,
and neighbors against neighbors. All with the best of intentions, of
course. The road to Hell is paved with them.

As a practical thinker, one not overly prone to emotional decisions, I
have a choice: I can either believe what the objective pieces of
evidence tell me (even if they make me cringe with disgust); I can
believe what history is shouting to me from across the chasm of seven
decades; or I can hope I am wrong by closing my eyes, having another
latte, and ignoring what is transpiring around me.

Some people scoff at me, others laugh, or think I am foolish, naive, or
both. Perhaps I am. But I have never been afraid to look people in the
eye and tell them exactly what I believe ~ and why I believe it. I pray
I am wrong.

I do not think I am.

God Bless,

"In all your getting, Get understanding"

We Need A Miracle and Got One!!!!

So Tyler and I decided that a fast would be a good thing to do for our situation since we could see no other alternatives to our situation.
We'd contacted those who we could and tried to do what we could and nothing worked out.
We had to pay 600.00 for our truck TODAY in order to not get it repossessed like our poor little car (that I miss terribly. It was like losing one of the family lol).
This morning Tyler got up really early and went to school to figure out why his school was charging him right now, every month, and why he didn't get the discount for his dad going to school there, too, and check on other financial aid issues.
Luckily he talked to a lady there who knew what she was doing and fixed Tyler's financial aid and credited us 5,000.00!! And took off all the late payments we've had and deferred his loans until July and then when we get to that point they'll probably be able to defer it another 6 months.
Cool eh???
Well, then that super rude chick from America First Credit Union called Tyler and said, "where's the money? You have until 6:00pm tonight to get it here". Tyler said, "let me talk to your supervisor or manager". So he talked to the manager at their collections dept and told her our situation.
Said he'd just lost his job, this was our only vehicle, we couldn't buy another one, and we wouldn't have a way to get another job let alone have a way to get there without the truck. So anyway, she understood and after Tyler said we want to pay them and want to make this work but give us a chance. So she did. WOW she did! We only have to pay 400.00 by Tuesday instead and then they'll work with us for the rest and let us continue regular payments. THANK GOODNESS!!!
Tyler was incredibly relieved and on cloud 9 when he came home. I have missed him like that.
Then the mail came.
Tyler brought the mail to me with a big smile on his face. One letter was from his previous employer, Gunther's Comfort Air in American Fork. There was a check inside.
He read a letter that explained that there are certain employees that have been there a long while and work hard and Tyler was one of them.
So Tyler got a check from them for 300.00!!!! It was part of his Profit Sharing that they were NOT going to give out this year.
So here's what we think.
Blaine, his boss and owner, felt so bad about having to lay Tyler off and when he found out our car had been repossessed and I wasn't working he felt worse. His direct boss, Lance, also knew about our circumstances and the laying off was a complete shock. And he was getting a Profit Sharing. Only the Project Managers were getting them. So we think the two of them talked and decided to give Tyler a cut from Lance's Profit Sharing check.
So we were saved!!!!

We'd had a talk last night about our situation and know that God will bless us more when we're being obedient. Honestly, we haven't been that obedient. Nothing too serious for being temple recommend holders, but they were sins of omission, which can be more devastating than anything at all. It has deep spiritual consequences that can cause any strong member of God's church to lose his faith and slowly but surely fall away.
God wants to bless us but CANNOT when we are not obedient. It's just as simple as that. He is bound when we do what he says but when we don't we have no promise.
This is a trial of our faith, pure and simple.
We started the fast with prayer. It was our last resort.
And our prayer and fast was answered. We believe it was a miracle. Pure and simple. And we feel so much relief!!

An Update & Some Thoughts

So I didn't get the job at Convergys. Tyler and I both had a feeling that it wouldn't happen. I gave it my best and my all, but they chose another candidate. I just don't have Excel 100% down. I think I sucked on that part of the test lol.
Tyler's also been turned down for a LOT of jobs he's applied for. We've both applied for countless jobs already!! They all want SPECIFIC skills and stuff and some of it was just do not have. And the skills we do have the job had just been filled! Just bad timing.
So we are having a yard sale tomorrow at our place. We're selling our entire bedroom set, dining set, some shelves, a TV stand, a crib, clothes, vases, magnet board I made (it's so nice. I'll miss it), a printer, DVD rack that cost a lot, an amp, and more! I just think this is absolutely necessary. We have no other choice.
Even if either of us or both of us got a job right now it wouldn't be in time to pay the 1200.00 our bank wants. They'll repossess our truck next week and then sue us for everything we have, they said.
We really are in a bad spot. I know some people just don't believe that or realize that. It's the worst I've ever seen personally, at one time.
No money for food or gas, no money for phones, utilities, rent, internet, NOTHING. We HAVE to have internet for Tyler's school. And Tyler quitting school right now is NOT an option. He's on the Dean's List and is doing so well! With this schooling he'll be able to get valuable certificates to hopefully work at a hospital or doctor's office soon. That's his goal, anyway.
Getting a job that pays more than State benefits allow will screw us!! The only way we can survive is if Tyler or I are making a lot more than what we were making before. People don't seem to understand that.
They really don't.
We have THOUSANDS of dollars in medical debt that they all want paid immediately!! We've been sued FOUR TIMES in a month's time!!! Threatened to be sued two more times right now. 1 by the bank. The other Mountainland Collections. So yeah. We can't do it. We just can't.

Here's what we've been hoping for and planning for and working for:
Tyler and I are looking for part-time jobs for both of us. Not paying too much so that we can still get State benefits. It seems the wisest route for us for right now. Then we'll get on Housing (Section 8) in about 8-18 months. That'll help sooo much! Tyler will get certificates in 2-4 months that'll help him get a better job.
We're going to go to his school and speak with Financial Aid and see if we can't get more student loans to pay for our medical debt. We really don't know what else to do. Like paying 50.00 a month to like 25 different places is a LOT of money, ya know? But that's what they all want, or full payment, or they'll sue us. Get it?
Our bishop is offering absolutely NO help at all. Not for food or anything. I think he has the wrong opinion of us so we're going to meet with him on Sunday and explain to him EXACTLY what's going on.
I'm really tired of being misunderstood and misjudged by people who should understand.
You take one look at our situation and you automatically think, "they must be doing something wrong or did something wrong".
People have looked at my parents this same way.
It's just not right, period.
Some people CANNOT help their situation, no matter what!

Anyway, we're doing the best we can to better our circumstances and working hard to get ourselves into a better circumstance. I know there are MANY who are in much better circumstances than our own and what they're doing is more important than what we need. And still people judge others who struggle, like us.

"For behold, ye do love money and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted"
-Mormon 8:37

"But wo unto the rich, who are rich as to the things of the world. For because they are rich they despise the poor, and they persecute the meek, and their hearts are upon their treasures; wherefore, their treasure is their god. And behold, their treasure shall perish with them also."
-2 Nephi 9:30

"And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you - that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sings from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God - I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants."
-Mosiah 4:26

AND THEN THE MOST POINTED, STRONG AND UNMISTAKABLE SCRIPTURES OF ALL on this subject:
"And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
"PERHAPS THOU SHALT SAY: THE MAN HAS BROUGHT UPON HIMSELF HIS MISERY; THEREFORE I WILL STAY MY HAND, AND WILL NOT GIVE UNTO HIM OF MY FOOD, NOR IMPART UNTO HIM OF MY SUBSTANCE THAT HE MAY NOT SUFFER, FOR HIS PUNISHMENTS ARE JUST -
"But I say unto you, O man, whosever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdon of God.
"For behold, ARE WE NOT ALL BEGGARS? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and gold, and for silver, and for all the riches we have of every kind?
"And now, if God, who has created you, ON WHOM YOU ARE DEPENDENT FOR YOUR LIVES AND FOR ALL THAT YE HAVE AND ARE, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.
"AND IF YE JUDGE THE MAN WHO PUTTETH UP HIS PETITION TO YOU FOR YOUR SUBSTANCE TAHT HE PERISH NOT, AND CONDEMN HIM, HOW MUCH MORE JUST WILL BE YOUR CONDEMNATION FOR WITHHOLDING YOUR SUBSTANCE, WHICH DOTH NOT BELONG TO YOU BUT TO GOD, TO WHOM ALSO YOUR LIFE BELONGETH; AND YET YE PUT UP NO PETITION, NOR REPENT OF THE THING WHICH THOU HAST DONE.
"I say unto you, wo be unto that man, for his substance shall perish with him; and now, I say these things unto those who are rich as pertaining to the things of this world."
Mosiah 4:16-19, 21-23

These are scriptures from God. I don't care what or who you believe in, these are true and good things that we should follow.
I know I was raised to believe and feel this way, especially since I was raised in such a poor home with caring parents who did everything they could to provide for us.
I was also shown what it's like to have very rich people surround me and my family who will not help except conditionally. They loan things. And then expect repayment and sometimes even with interest attached. How is that charitable? How is that what Heavenly Father would want for us to do to each other? How can you feel right about doing that, especially if it's family??

How can you watch people suffer so much and say "it's their fault, they shouldn't have boughten that car" or "they did it to themselves, she should've been working to help instead of staying home with their children, so it's their fault" or "they just want attention and an easy way out" or "they're only going to go spend it on something stupid, like go out to eat or alcohol or to pay for that new couch they have".

How do you KNOW that?

And it's not up to you to judge to whom your money goes to with all these conditions. If someone NEEDS it GIVE IT!!

I hate hearing people, especially Christian's, say, "That beggar is a worthless SOB. He's just a lazy drunk and probably makes more than I do" and then walk on by him and ignore him while he sits in the dirty street with a sign or a cup, imploring our help.

My husband and I, and my family, have always been charitable to give to others, even if it's all we had in our pockets to give, we still give it. We know what it's like to be poor and needy! We're here right now!!!

I also remember that story from the Bible that says that lady who gave her two coins and it was ALL she had. It was worth far less than what others were giving, but to God it was worth waaaaay more than what the others were giving because it was all she had!! The other wealthier people only gave some change pretty much, in comparison to their incomes or posessions.

You know, until you know exactly what is going on in people's lives and with their circumstances and especially what's in their hearts and minds, then don't judge them! Don't think or say to yourself that they deserve it or ask for it or NEED it or this is "their learning time" and leave them alone thinking they'll work it out or they deserve it for their choices they've made or whatever!!!

How do you justify that?

Anyway, there you go. I have much deeper thoughts about this and can be sooo much bolder with it in my opinions and thoughts.

I've seen too much to be ignorant on this topic.

okay, back to our life.
Here's to hoping God has mercy on us before we end up homeless.

Options

Okay so Tyler and I are looking for jobs in Boise and Utah Counties and even in Oregon right now. Depends on where his school is that will determine where we go, though.
Also, we are selling all the furniture we possibly can! We are keeping my couch and chair I inherited from my grandma (love them, don't want other old, used ones) but our whole bedroom set is going, our dining set, maybe our desk, maybe our TV Armoire, all of it. We'll see, though. It's really, really hard to sell in Utah because people here are super DIRT CHEAP!! I HATE that. Especially in Utah County!
So we have to sell everything so that we can pay our bank that's going to sue us and take our truck, our only mode of transportation that we have.
If either of us got a job RIGHT NOW it wouldn't be enough to pay these debts to keep them from taking our truck. They want 1200.00 RIGHT NOW. It's stressful sick. And not fair.
People don't care if you lost your job or if you're sick or anything. They want their money. I have a hard time with people who want their money when they don't NEED it like we and others do.
We don't even have our own house and have lived in crappy, tiny places with our two kids for 6 years!! Our money situation hasn't gotten better but worse, and it's not from us spending money, it's from us LIVING and not having perfect bodies!
We got into debt in the first place to buy gasoline, food, rent, utilities, insurance, etc., and from going to doctors after doctors, surgeries, you name it! It wasn't from us going and getting nice things unless we paid CASH for those things.
So here we are.... what do we do?
Right now we want to get away from this place and from some people. We want to be our own family unit, hence one of the reasons why we want to move AWAY. We also want to be able to get into a place that we fit in and better serves our family's needs and in Ogden, Logan & Boise the housing is more affordable.

So, we'll see what happens and see what options we have.

Right now we've applied for all sorts of State assistance. It's all we can do! Housing, Food Stamps, Medicaid, WIC, HEAT, etc. We've been applying for jobs night and day, running from office to office, appointment to appointment, and since we don't have ink for our printer we have to drive to Lehi to use my dad's printer and computer to get paperwork from offline or from our laptop then drive to Department of Workforce Services to fax it (by 5pm of course) and then hurry home so that Tyler can get to school that he's not paying for.
It's keeping us very busy.

Meantime we don't get much understanding from people, still. It's really annoying and calloused of them and so we just don't really want to be around these people. Can you blame us? If you do you're one of them lol.

Here is another option. I work until I get pregnant or have a baby. It will only be part-time because I CANNOT leave my children allll day long if I can help it, esp since Tyler has to get to school at a certain time every night. Or, he can work part-time during the day until he can get a job doing something medical with upcoming certificates he's close to getting. Or, I'll work until he gets a job. So yeah, we'll see. I have an interview tomorrow and the next day. Do NOT want to work at either place. I know I'll be miserable cuz they're desk jobs, but a job is a job and knowing I don't have to keep it forever gives me some peace and hope.

When It Rains It Pours

So things just don't seem to be looking up any time soon. I say everything happens for a reason and something's bound to give, but right now we're right smack dab in the middle of a deep, black puddle of tar, I swear!
Not only have we lost our car but the bank called Tyler today and said if we don't pay 1200.00 by the end of this month then the truck is getting repossessed, too!!! And we have NO INCOME.
They said we HAVE to pay 600.00 by the 16th. That's only a few measly days away.
We have no money for food or gasoline now. That last of our tax return went to PART of our utilities so they wouldn't shut it off on Monday (today is Wednesday) and our one utility bill covers everything in our apartment. There is no gas or furnace.
We just put 500.00 into the truck with our tax return so that it can keep on running (the exhaust was broke) and so it'll pass inspections later for registration.
The only extra money we spent was for the hotel for our Anniversary (and that was cheap-ish. Cheap as we could find without going to stay at a place dumpier than our own) and Guitar Hero and that wasn't even 100.00. So that's it. Oh, and out to dinner for our Anniversary. But all the rest of it went to bills! It hardly even made a dent. I cannot believe it. Should we have filed for Bankruptcy instead? I just think of the long-term consequences to bankruptcy and it just seems so foolish to me.
Our landlord said she'd work with us as best as she can but she is a stickler for rent being paid on time.
We've both been applying for jobs all over. Me more than Tyler. He's depressed and so doesn't really want to get a job yet. That kinda ticks me off. It's not improving our situation to put off the inevidable. Also we haven't been paying for his schooling so I'm afraid they'll kick him out even though he's on the Dean's List!!
Right now I'm so nauseated with stress and discouragement and depression and anger and jealousy and not understanding that yeah, I'm sick. I feel like I'm going to puke any minute!
I also got my CPAP machine today and they wanted over 100.00 right then!! I have to pay 280.00 for it within the next two months. Oh my gosh I have no idea how we're going to do that!!

My only hope right now is working my Mary Kay. Unfortunately most my friends and family aren't interested in buying any from me, even if it would help us out hugely. They'd rather buy from someone else or buy more expensive make up elsewhere or from Walmart. Whatever.

If you all are annoyed by this post then just ignore it and stop being annoyed by me sharing my concerns and worries and thoughts and feelings on here. Just go away if you're not going to be supportive. I don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY who is not going to be supportive of us right now. I do not have the energy or tolerance or patience or even strength to cope with people who are negative, especially towards us or anything about us.

God, where is the pavilian that covereth they hiding place?

Lacie had a mole... and my 2nd Sleep Study

Current mood: exhausted

So last night my Sleep Study SUCKED!!!
I could NOT sleep for the life of me! I got MAYBE 3 hours of sleep and woke up every 10 min during that time. Then at 3 am I woke up and stayed wide awake the rest of the night. They unhooked me at 5:30 instead of 6:30. Then, Tyler forgot to come pick me up and he had his stupid phone off! So I had to WALK HOME!! I was soooo mad! I got home freezing cold (walked in my PJ's!! in the 20's) and then unlocked the door and Sophie was sitting on the couch and Tyler was laying on the floor next to the portable heater (since our heater is broken). I didn't say one word to him cuz I was so mad. I got Sophie and carried her up to our bed and finally went to sleep at about 7:30 or 8:00 and slept until 10:30ish. I AM SOOOO TIRED!!!!
The CPAP machine helped my oxygen levels stay in the 90's except whenever I moved it would plummet. I have no idea why, either. Weird, huh?
It was nice having that air, though. It felt SO DIFFERENT being able to breath!! lol
I won't find out the restults of that for 5-7 days now, they said. So we'll just see. Man these medical bills are going to murder us!

Oh, we got sued again. The 3rd time now. This time from a medical billing collection. Lovely eh? Pisses us off! They don't give us a break! Tyler's hours got cut a LOT so yeah, there's no way to get around any of this. It sucks!

Anyway, about Lacie now.
She's had this mole on her head since she was a baby. It started really small and got bigger and bigger until it was as big or bigger than a pencil eraser, which we know is the size when it needs to be looked at. Tyler took her to the dermatologist this morning and just in the last while it's been growing irregularly and getting jagged edges and being sensitive. So the doc removed it and scraped it clean and put a liquid bandage on it. I'm glad he didn't have to shave any hair off. I was worried about that.
The doc said she was better than most adults are!! lol That's my Lacie!! He's going to have it biopsied cuz it concerned him. He said if it's positive for Carcinoma or Melanoma then they'll have to surgically go in and remove a chunk out of her head and sew it back up. YUCKY!!! Poor Lacie!! I hope it's not positive! But that mole was getting kinda scary looking and it concerned us that it irritated her whenever it was touched.

One more thing. Tonight Tyler and I get some time alone!!!! We're going to a Hotel in SLC and going to the dollar movies. I'm SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! We got some good deals and get to eat mostly for free. Then tomorrow we're going to Ashley Furniture, Guitar Center and the Cheesecake Factory. Yes we have people (family) watching the girls. Thank heavens for that!!
We have learned to NOT ask certain people to help watch the kids EVER AGAIN because they ALWAYS say no and blah blah blah. It's annoyed me a lot and really ticked Tyler off. So we have my inlaws taking them all day on Saturday (THANK YOU!!!!) and my brother and his wife and my other little brother coming over at night. So they'll be safe and well taken care of. I'm sure they'll miss us. I'm MORE sure Sophie will miss me!! That's why she was sitting on the couch this morning was cuz she was up most the night waiting for me to come home!!! How sad, eh??

Oh, when Tyler came home this morning from Lacie's appointment he surprised me with long stem red roses!!! And a Valentine's and Anniversary card. It was so sweet. He felt so bad for making me walk. I hope I can laugh about it later but right now I'm just too tired to be mad anymore or think it's funny, either.

Until next time, chau!!! Love ya!!

Some results are in!!

Oooh so my Sleep Study results came back in today and they gave me a call about them and I DO have Sleep Apnea. I would've been shocked if I didn't, or at least surprised a little and kinda let down.
Now the Sleep Apnea explains why I'm so doggone tired all the time!!
Here are my results:
I have a non-breathing episode/event 20 times in one flippin hour! And during my REM I have like 67!!! I don't snore, which they thought was extremely odd for how bad my Apnea is. My oxygen stays at 84% during the night. NO WONDER!!!!!!!!! Holy crap!!
So this Thursday night I go back for another Sleep Study and this time they'll put the CPAP machine on me to determine at what level I need it at and then I'll get a prescription for it to use at home. That's gonna be SO WEIRD! I don't know how I'm going to adjust to it, but, I am soooo excited to actually start it cuz I'm hoping my AWFUL AWFUL memory gets better, I can lose weight, and have energy to get up and won't feel like sleeping all freakin day long!!
So I don't have regular Apnea, folks, I have severe Apnea. My airway is completely blocked and staying at 84% oxygen all night long is seriously dangerous. No wonder I'm so freakin brain-damaged!! hahahaha

So progress in my health crap! YEA!!!!!!!

Another One!

So I went to the dentist today. I had two teeth worked on and one of them was really really close to being a root canal but luckily didn't do it. We'll see how it holds for now to decide if I'll need one or not.
They had to numb me up three different times!! My body soaks up anesthesia like a dry sponge. Dead serious! When I had my babies I'd have to have my epidural adjusted and fixed several times.
And in surgery the last time I woke up in the middle of it. I don't remember any pain or hearing anything or feeling anything else, just a nurse behind my head looking down at me with a mask on and a hat that covers the hair. Then she put something over my mouth and that's it.
My gums and jaw hurt and my teeth, too, now. They're giving me a migraine.

So I got a call from an associate of my Neurologist today. He called to tell me Dr Taher ordered a Sleep Study since my oxygen test went really bad. In other words, I failed miserably. Ha ha. No surprise there! When I was AWAKE and looked at the machine my oxygen was 85 and my heart rate 50. So yeah, not super good. It would explain A LOT if I have Sleep Apnea.

So tonight the girls went to Michelle's for the night (great break for us. They kept us up all night last night!!) and we babysat Kristen & Kevin's little kids. I LOVE new babies!! Made me so baby hungry taking care of that little newborn! It feels so natural to care for a tiny baby. Even Tyler loved it. It was cute seeing him with that new baby and cuddling her and taking care of her. She's such a pretty little baby.
Anyway, so since our babies are gone tonight we got to go see a movie! An early Valentine's date thing for us. We went to see "Taken". It was such a super super cool movie!! It got an applause by most everyone in the theater! It was FULL. We had to sit in the very front and the screen was HUGE but it was so worth going! It was go go go through the entire movie. Never boring and very interesting and educational, too. We totally recommend it!!!

Okay, then also I'm going to be starting Clomid. I got my prescription and how it works is taking it on the 5th day of my cycle through the 9th, then doing "the thing" every other day from day 10-20. If we don't get pregnant this month she gave me like 3 refills. Kinda nice. I guess we'll see if this does the trick, eh?

Oh, and Tyler got me Guitar Hero World Tour!!! Just the 1 guitar, but hey, I'm so excited to play it!! Yipee!! I LOVE tax return season!!!

okay, so that's my "another one" update for y'all.